Archive | April, 2012

Death by Meeting

11 Apr

I was going to do a little blogging last night, but after sitting in a two-hour meeting listening to my brain cells scream as they jumped to their deaths, I decided that it just wasn’t in me to put fingers to keyboard. On top of that, I had to watch the season finale of Justified, the third greatest show in television history. As you can tell by the title, this post isn’t about the show. It is about the meeting that I had to sit through.

Before my rant, I must say that the people on the committee are good folks. They volunteer their time to help the community, and I commend them for it. I am more of a big idea guy who likes to think stuff up and back away to let someone else do the work. However, there are times when people get focused on the details and forget the big picture. Last night’s meeting was about details and went something like this.

Minutes – You know when people take the time to read the minutes of the last meeting word-for-word that it is going to be along night. Needless to say, we talked about the minutes for a while.

Sunshine Report – This is where announcements are made about people being sick or having other troubles. This is a nice thing to do I suppose. I’m not sure why it is in the regular meeting because these things can be talked about after. But, it was fine except for the lady who talked about her own problems. She is going into the hospital next week and needs our prayers. Something about that makes me feel weird. I’m not sure people should announce their own problems.

Committee Reports – This didn’t take long at all. We talked about buying some heaters for a few minutes. This despite the fact that there is no money. How do I know this? Because the treasurer didn’t show up for the Treasurer’s Report that was supposed to come before the Sunshine Report.

(Oh, I should tell you that the committee oversees a historic village in my town. It’s not really historic because old buildings have been moved there, and new ones that look old have been added to it. I’ve tried to tell them it’s not really historic, but I am only a history professor and really don’t know what I am talking about.)

Controversy arose during this part because of a scheduling conflict. There is a free event and a pay event Saturday. The guy in charge of the pay event was concerned that free people might get in. The chairwoman of the committee got really upset and said the free event has been planned for a year, and the pay event needs to work with it. This is a good time to remind you that we have no money.

Next, the pay event guy talked about his big project – live online streaming of country music from our site. It sounds good, but I don’t trust him. He’s from Australia, but each time he talks I think of the word carpetbagger. He has been talking about this for a year without anything happening. There always seems to be an excuse.

Also, we are building the world’s largest dinner triangle – you know, a thing that people rang on farms to tell field hands that food was ready. It looks like this.

Except, ours is going to be 10 feet on each side.

After this announcement, it was time to talk about acquiring more buildings. Remember, we have no money, so adding buildings is a good idea. Old buildings are expensive to keep up but adding some more shouldn’t be a problem.

One good idea came out of this part of the meeting. We are going to inventory our possessions. I was going to suggest some ways to protect our artifacts, but that’s really not the point I reckon.

Once the committee reports were completed, we moved to Future Projects. They are working on a 25th Anniversary book and want to copy Foxfire. I hope they don’t plagiarise.

Of course, we also talked about the upcoming county fair. We have the largest one in Tennessee don’t you know. Very impressive indeed.

Finally, we got to Unfinished Business, and a local producer of commemorative knives presented the idea of us buying some. We could put our name on the blade and sell them. Unfortunately, buying the knives will cost $16,500, and we have a lot of commemorative stuff that’s been lying around for years. I wonder how much building maintenance we could do for $16,500.

That;s it for the meeting, but I have one more pet peeve. People involved in this village address each other in a strange way. They call people Mr. Joe or Miss Jane – mixing prefix titles with first names. I’m not sure it’s bad, but I think it’s weird.

That was my meeting. When it was over, I was thinking it would have been better to be in a shootout with Raylan or Boyd. You’re probably thinking that also would have been better than reading this post.

Alterations

10 Apr

As Douglas MacArthur once said, “I have returned!” Although he was returning to the Philippines during World War II, I have returned to Tennessee from an excursion into parts unknown – the same place that a lot of masked wrestlers came from.

As happens a lot when someone is gone for a length of time. I came back to some alterations – not in my real life but in my blog life (which are quickly merging).

As I flew home, I couldn’t wait to open up the Surrounded by Imbeciles portal and see what I have been missing. Imagine my surprise to see a big red/yellow/orange map on a new look Site Stats page. It is a really cool addition, and it was interesting to see not only how many people have been looking in but also where they are located when they look. All this time, I have been thinking that people in a few states have been checking out the blog. In actuality, these blogs go all over the world. Imagine that! It makes me realize how big and impactful the Internet really is. Thank you, fellow Tennessean Al Gore! I know, an old joke that I have used before.

I know you blogging folks have probably been playing around with your maps. I just got into mine and found some interesting stuff. Obviously, the United States sits at the top by a wide margin. I write about the things I know, and most of that is in the United States. It makes me wonder what someone in Gabon thinks about some of my references.

Completing the top five are Australia, Canada, Indonesia and the United Kingdom. Other ones that I find interesting are Jordan, Barbados (because it’s a great island), Turkey, the Russian Federation (I wonder if Putin feels as if he is surrounded by imbeciles.), Malta, Bangladesh and Costa Rica (because, well, I just wanted to mention Costa Rica).

Anyway, I just wanted to get back into blogging mode after some time off and thank WordPress for their cool map. I always say that people should be able to read a map. That bitchy woman who gives you directions from the dashboard just isn’t the same as Rand McNally. I only wish that they could break down the states as well. Although, they may have done that, and I just haven’t figured it out yet. At any rate, it is good to be back in the blog world.

Looking It Up

3 Apr

The ladies at Book Snobbery have developed a great posting idea by turning their search terms and the search terms of others into haiku that are cleverly written and make me laugh every time. Knowing that I am nowhere near as witty as them, there is no way that I would be a copycat and try the same thing. However, their ingenuity has inspired me to look into my search terms and see how people get to my blog. Some are straightforward; some are funny; and I am thankful for each one of them.

Here are a few of my favorites from the most searched to the least.

ufo crash in town – I wonder what town they live in.

sandhal bergman bondage – This scene was not in Conan the Barbarian, but I wish it was. I bet Ahnold does too.

dylan “leaving for the coast” – Did he go with the sixteen vestal virgins? And, if he did could they understand what he was saying?

elvis presley childhood interests – They included playing guitar and eating fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

cracker barrel artifact painting with muslim woman – Cracker Barrel was founded in my hometown, so I know they have had accusations of being prejudiced. Therefore, I can’t imagine anything there with a muslim woman.

spring semester starts tomorrow and my books aren’t in – Was this a student or a teacher? Either way, I hope they made it work.

when can i find the hangover slot machine in tunica – Right now. I lost a few bills trying to become a member of the wolf pack of one.

american revolution prostitution – George Washington slept here, and so did everyone else.

True story. I was pushed into giving a lecture to the Daughters of the American Revolution about prostitution during the American Revolution. It was me lecturing about sex in front of a bunch of blue-haired ladies. To soften the topic, I used words like camp followers. As I talked, the following conversation took place.

Old Lady in the Back – What’s he talking about?

The Other Old Lady in the Back – He’s talking about camp followers.

OLitB -What?

TOOLitB – Camp followers.

OLitB – What?

TOOLitB – He’s talking about whores.

OLitB- Oh, I understand now.

does everyone wear a cowboy hat in nashville – NO

salma hayek “she kills” – A professional assassin, she also acts a little on the side.

day spa bug problems – I suggest you go to a spa that is not next to a truck stop.

electrawoman vampire – Bram Stoker meets Sid and Marty Krofft.

billy joe mccallister moustache bridge – I wish I had this when I wrote the post about misheard lyrics. Apparently, he threw his electric razor off the bridge. Mystery solved.

vampire winona ryder – She can bite my neck anytime.

acdc dirty deek and the dondo chief – Did someone really hear this? If they did, then did they sing it out loud?

did albert einstein like cheese? – Actually, he was eating string cheese when he developed string theory. Good thing he wasn’t eating squeeze cheese.

has natalie merchant had sex with women – I am not sure, but I will ask her when I see her. Or, maybe I should get a woman to ask.

that you are in fact surrounded by imbeciles – Now, you have come to the right place.

I will be away from the blog for a few days. I hope everyone has a good rest of the week

Reading for the Road

2 Apr

Once again, I will be going out-of-town this week, but, unlike the quick turnaround to New Orleans, there will be plenty of time to read. However, I don’t want to spend ALL of the time reading and am going to limit myself to one book. These are the four of which I must choose.

The Woman in Black – I saw the movie but have heard that the book is much better. With that in mind, I picked it up at Target. It has all of the qualities of a good travel book – paperback and not very thick.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks – I also got this one at Target but heard of it a long time ago. Henrietta was a African-American woman who attempted to make a living by raising tobacco. Unknown to her, doctors took her cells and have used them through the decades to develop vaccines, map genes and…well, the list goes on and on. Advantages: It’s history and a paperback. Disadvantages: It seems serious for a road reading.

Howard Cosell: The Man, the Myth, and the Transformation of American Sports – As a kid, I couldn’t wait until the Halftime Highlights on Monday Night Football and begged my parents to let me stay up to watch. It wasn’t for the films. It was to hear Howard Cosell. Anyone who watched sports in the 1970s knows what hearing Cosell was like. If his private persona was anywhere near as interesting as his public one, then this will be a good book. Unfortunately, it is a hardback and does not seem very convenient for the road.

Lions of the West: Heroes and Villains of the Westward Expansion – Obviously, this is a history book, but it also covers my area of research. Each chapter chronicles the life of a person important to expansion, and several of them are from Tennessee. I’m not a fan of all of them, but you don’t really have to like someone to read about them. It’s a hardback, so I don’t know.

Decisions. Decisions. Life is full of decisions.