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For the Birds

14 Jan

Over the holidays, my brother took his family to Orlando to visit the various theme parks. They hit all of the Disney ones – Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Hollywood Studios. Then, they headed over to Universal to experience the Islands of Adventure in general and the Wizarding World of Harry Potter specifically. They experienced thrills and chills; waited in long lines because it was the busiest week of the year; and, saw plenty of muggles dressed like wizards. However, they all agreed (except for one) that the funniest thing happened at a concession stand.

To set up the story, I need to explain my brother’s family. It is the statistical norm with the parents and two kids. The oldest son is 17 and reminds every one of Sheldon on “The Big Bang Theory”. I realize that it sounds like bragging, but he honestly is the smartest person I know. He aces all of his classes and is line for the Ivy League. His brother is 14 and is as much a smart ass as his older brother is smart. The young one is always making wisecracks and thinks that he has a way with the women. In short, he is full of himself. With this dynamic, these two are on each other all the time.

So, there they are roaming around Universal and heading toward Harry Potter World when they spy a concession serving cinnamon and sugar on a stick. I have no idea what it looks like, but it has to taste awesome. Of course, both of them want one. They mosey up to the bar; order their sticks; and, turn to walk away. That’s when a huge bird swoops down from behind; grabs the youngest one’s stick; and, before he realizes it, is munching on the stick in the top of a tree. My nephew stands there stunned as dozens of people, including muggles dressed as wizards, burst out laughing. One kid with a wand starts saying, “No refunds! No refunds!” My brother, his wife and my other nephew all agreed that it was the highlight of the trip.

Amazingly, the concession stand workers say that was the fourth time it had happened that day. Birds hang around all of the time and steal people’s food. Despite the claims of the wand-kid, they gave him another stick which he crouched over and protected like gold. Perhaps, they should get Harry and the gang to put a spell on the birds and make them like broccoli or some other unfun food.

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Nashville Nights (And Days)

12 Jan

As my last post indicated, I have been lucky enough to travel throughout the United States and struck up conversations with people from all regions and all walks of life. When I speak, they never fail to ask where I am from. I suppose it is due to my southern accent. Although I live in a suburb, I always say Nashville because most everyone knows where that is. Most everyone has a preconceived notion of it as well. Either, everyone here wears cowboy hats and sings, or everyone here wears cowboy hats and watches Hee Haw. Well, there are plenty of people here who have jobs outside of the music industry. Hee Haw hasn’t been on television in decades. And, the only people I see wearing cowboy hats are the tourists.

Obviously, Nashville, nicknamed Music City, is known far and wide for country music and it has been the driving force behind the city for decades. However, there is more to our fair city than that. It is a cosmopolitan city with a thriving scene built around art, dining, and various forms of entertainment that includes all kinds of music. I have written a couple of posts about places to which I have traveled. Now, I want to tell would be travelers what they may find around here.

What Every Tourist Must Do

People come to Nashville to discover the roots of country music and maybe see somebody famous along the way. The quest needs to begin at the Ryman Auditorium, the mother church of country music, where the Grand Ole Opry was broadcast for decades. The radio show made Nashville the country capital of the world, and a backstage tour of the music hall is essential. Behind the Ryman sits a row of Honky Tonks that have become favorite tourist hangouts. This is where you will see the cowboy hats. Each bar is essentially the same with live music and plenty of alcohol. However, Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge is the destination for most. It gained fame as the place where Opry performers spent time between sets. Legend has it that Willie Nelson was so despondent about his singing career that he walked out of Tootsie’s and laid in the middle of the street. There are no famous people there now, but it is a fun place to go.

The performers of the past no longer haunt Tootsie’s, but they can be learned about at the Country Music Hall of Fame, a great museum with priceless artifacts. To find singers in their natural habitat, a trip to Music Row is required. If you are lucky, then you may be able to see someone going in or out of a recording session. More than likely, your sightings will only include some giant statues of nudes. However, I have seen more celebrities at Green Hills Mall, an upscale shopping destination, than anywhere else.

Being a historian, I must mention some locations that do not involve history. Nashville was prominent city long before the music industry existed, and several historic sites reflect this. The first would be the Hermitage, home to President Andrew Jackson. It is a good place to learn about one of our most powerful presidents and of life in the south before the Civil War. A second would be the Belle Meade plantation. Like the Hermitage, it is a pre-Civil War home with a distinction. Every Triple Crown winning horse is descended from a horse on the plantation. Our legislature, in its infinite wisdom, outlawed gambling and drove the thriving thoroughbred industry to Kentucky.

What the Locals Do

Nashville residents like live music as much as tourists do, but it may not be country or at Tootsie’s. There are several options that locals enjoy.

The Bluebird is pseudo-touristy and fun. Songwriters sit in the round; talk about their songs; and play them. Plenty of alcohol is served, but it is more of a classroom atmosphere as talking is not allowed. It is an intimate setting of the true music industry.

Sambuca, in the Gulch, is one of my favorites. A restaurant but more bar, it has a live bands of different genres throughout the week.

Bourbon Street Blues Club sits in Printer’s Alley, an area with a history of underworld mystique. For good blues and fabulous guitar playing, this is a great place to go.

However, the Schermerhorn Symphony Center is my favorite place to listen to music. A state of the art music hall, it is home to the Nashville Symphony and hosts performers, both classical and otherwise, from all over the world.

Of course, Nashville has a lot of watering holes where live music is not played, but they are cool hangouts nonetheless. Many of these are located in Midtown. Losers. Winners. Broadway Brewhouse. South Street. The list goes on and one. Taylor Swift also lives in the area, so a sighting could take place.

Up the street, there are other great hangouts such as Tin Roof and Whiskey Kitchen.

What Locals Do for Non-Music Entertainment

Obviously, man cannot live on music and liquor alone, and Nashville provides other forms of diversion as well. Small art galleries dot the city map, but the Frist Center remains the center of Nashville’s art community. Housed in the old post office, it hosts collections from the best museums in the world. Cheekwood Mansion also hosts artistic and historical collections and currently houses an exhibition of western artifacts from the Buffalo Bill Cody Museum.

Nashville is also home to many parks, the most famous of which is Centennial Park. Created during the city’s centennial celebration, it is home to an exact replica of the Parthenon in Greece. Why is the Parthenon in Nashville? Because the city has another nickname, Athens of the South, due to the number of universities in the area.

However, for a really good time, go to the Belcourt Theater, an old movie house that has been refurbished. It now serves as a viewing room for independent films, documentaries and movie classics. Also, there is a stage for intimate musical performances by some very famous people.

Where the Locals Eat

Visitors to Nashville can always eat at the Hard Rock Cafe, Margaritaville, or Cracker Barrel, which was founded in my hometown. However, to get a true taste of the city people should branch out. The following are a few of my favorites.

Bricktop’s – Americana food with a little flair. It is a great local hangout with a cool bar.

Virago – The best sushi in the city and a porch/bar with a great view of downtown.

Tayst – Serves organic food produced by local farmers. The best dish is the bread pudding made from a Krispy Kreme doughnut.

Rotier’s – Legend says that Jimmy Buffett wrote “Cheeseburger in Paradise” about this place. Enough said.

Pancake Pantry – Nashville’s favorite breakfast spot. Be ready to stand in line.

Eastland Cafe – Americana food with a lot of flair.

I Dream of Weenie – Any kind of hot dog you want served out of a 1960s mini-van.

There you have it – a guide to the Nashville experience from a person who has been around Nashville all of his life. Nashville has changed a lot in my lifetime, and it keeps changing for the better. Everyone is always welcome, and they can even bring their cowboy hats if they want.

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Touching Them All (50 States That Is)

10 Jan

I have been lucky enough to do quite a bit of traveling. As I was growing up, my parents took road trips for family vacations and took me to various places on the map. Because of them I was able to visit each of the states in the U.S. by the age of 24. Several posts on this blog have chronicled the places they took me and the places I have visited in adulthood. This post does the same but with a different tack. I will list the states in alphabetical order and match them with my favorite location in each. Many states will be difficult to limit while some will be difficult to list at all. Obviously, the list will have a historical leaning, but there will also be other types of places. I will not write any descriptions. However, if anyone wants to know more about something then give me a comment. I will be happy to post about it later. Here goes:

Alabama = The All Steak House in Cullman

Alaska = Glacier Bay

Arizona = Jeep Tour in Canyon de Chelly

Arkansas = The Farmer’s Market in Little Rock

California = The Green Door Room in the Mitchell Brothers O’Farrell Theatre in San Francisco

Colorado = The Strater Hotel in Durango

Connecticut = Yale University Campus in New Haven

Delaware = The Coastal Drive Up Highway 1

Florida = The Thomas Edison and Henry Ford Winter Estates in Fort Myers

Georgia = The Varsity in Atlanta

Hawaii = The Arizona Memorial at Pearl Harbor

Idaho = The Oasis Rooms Museum in Wallace

Illinois = Abraham Lincoln’s Home in Springfield

Indiana = The Indianapolis Motor Speedway in Indianapolis

Iowa = John Wayne’s Birthplace in Winterset

Kansas = The Kirby House Restaurant in Abilene

Kentucky = The Louisville Slugger Museum and Factory in Louisville

Louisiana = The Town Square of Carencro

Maine = The L.L. Bean Store in Freeport

Maryland = The United States Naval Academy in Annapolis

Massachusetts = The House of Seven Gables in Salem

Michigan = The Palace of Auburn Hills

Minnesota = The Softball Fields in Brooklyn Park

Mississippi = Square Books in Oxford

Missouri = Harry S Truman Home in Independence

Montana = Last Stand Hill at the Battle of Little Big Horn

Nebraska = A Gas Station in North Platte

Nevada = The Blackjack Tables at the Mirage

New Hampshire = Where the Old Man of the Mountain Once Stood

New Jersey = The Meadowlands in East Rutherford

New Mexico = The High Mesa Trail in Chaco Canyon

New York = Niagara Falls on the Niagara River

North Carolina = The Lobby at the Grove Park Inn

North Dakota = Fort Abraham Lincoln in Mandan

Ohio = The Professional Football Hall of Fame in Canton

Oklahoma = The Oklahoma City National Memorial in Oklahoma City

Oregon = Crater Lake National Park

Pennsylvania = The Hotel Hershey in Hershey

Rhode Island = The Breakers in Newport

South Carolina = The Five Points District in Columbia

South Dakota = Mount Moriah Cemetery in Deadwood

Tennessee = My Mom’s Kitchen

Texas = Keel Drug Store in Ballinger

Utah = Monument Valley in the Navajo Nation

Vermont = Interstate 91 from Massachusetts to Maine

Virginia = Mount Vernon near Old Town Alexandria

Washington = The Space Needle in Seattle

West Virginia = West Virginia University Campus in Morgantown

Wisconsin = The Softball Fields in Stevens Point

Wyoming = The Old Faithful Inn in Yellowstone National Park

If I could choose one place in each state to go, then this is the list. Obviously, other people will have a different list. Let me know what a few of those locations might be.

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A Historian’s Office

6 Jan

Two days of constant meetings have melted my mind, and the only sounds I can hear over the drone of voices are my brain cells screaming as they leap to their deaths. As I sit in my office in an attempt to recover, I  can’t think of anything clever or interesting to write about. Therefore, I am going to take the easy way out and describe what I see – my office.

My office has turned into a popular hangout on campus, and I sometimes describe it as the El Paso train station. People are always coming and going. Students and teachers drop by to visit on a regular basis, and they often comment on the things I have scattered about. Of course, that is once they get past the darkness of it all. I keep all lights off except for one desk lamp. I have been accused of being a vampire; of trying to be mysterious; and of being a cave-dweller. I usually reply that I do my best work in the dark, but the truth is that the bigger lights hurt my eyes. Whatever the complaints and smart comments, people must like my office because someone is always in it.

With that in mind, I am going to attempt this blog experiment to test my descriptive skills. I am going to sit at my desk and describe the things I can see. We will do this in categories.

Category 1 – Wall Hangings

As I look to my left, there are four things hanging on the wall.

1. An old print of a cattle drive that I stole out of one of the classrooms. The teacher in that room is a Native American, so I figured he didn’t want cowboys in there anyway. Two cowboys are riding hard to stop a stampede that began with a lightning storm.

2. A photograph of Ulysses S. Grant. It is an iconic photo of the general as he leans against a tree. The best part is his original signature that is matted underneath.

3. A collection of Confederate money. There are six Confederate bills – One, Two, Five, Ten, Twenty, Fifty – matted and framed. There are a lot of Sons of Confederate Veterans members around here who wish the money was still good.

4. A photograph of Adolph Hitler and a Nazi arm band. It is a typical picture of the tyrant in civilian clothes. Like the photo of Grant, the most interesting part of this item is the document included with his original signature. I explain to everyone that I am not a Nazi. I simply think it is a remarkable piece of history.

Now, I move to the wall in front of me.

1. Above the door, there hangs a panoramic of the Tennessee Maneuvers. When the U.S. entered World War II, the military believed that troops needed to be seasoned with war games before going to Europe. Tennessee is geographically similar to where they were going, and the area was selected for that purpose. My university was chosen as the headquarters, as troops fought battles; liberated cities; and built bridges across rivers.

2. A plaque given to me after serving as honorary coach for our men’s basketball team. It was a resounding victory.

3. A plaque given to me in recognition for serving on the community council of a local bank.

4. A plaque given to me as the “Most Outstanding Faculty Member” for last year. I was proud of this because I beat my mentor before he retired. He had won the award a million years in a row.

5. A certificate honoring me as a Colonel Aide de Camp for the governor of Tennessee. They pass these things out like candy. It is the same certificate given to Harlan Sanders in Kentucky. He wasn’t a real colonel. He was  a fake one like me.

6. A drawing of the old county courthouse. It was consistently voted the ugliest courthouse in Tennessee and was demolished before I was born.

I hope this is not getting monotonous. On to the wall on my right.

1. My favorite plaque. It reads, “On This Site In 1897 Nothing Happened”. I got it at the Longwood Plantation in Natchez, Mississippi. Some of you may know it better as the home of the king of Mississippi in “True Blood”.

2. A license of prostitution given to Rosita del Oro in 1876. This probably attracts the males to my office because it is included with a photograph of a nude woman playing a harp.

3. The next item covers a lot of the wall. I took a lot of pictures of the Dumas Brothel when I researched it in Butte, Montana. Upon my return, I had a local artist paint a few of the photographs. This one depicts the interior of a crib, a one room shack that prostitutes would work out of. A woman is sitting by the window in an attempt to draw customers. I will blog more later about the women of the cribs.

Finally, the wall behind me.

1. Another painting of the Dumas depicts the outside of the building. It is a two-story brick building that the artist placed in a Victorian setting. I am not real happy about the woman in the window. She looks a lot like Morticia Addams.

Category 2 – Filing Cabinet Decor

1. A magnetic fish with legs and Darwin written inside of it. I picked it up in Santa Fe and have to hide it when my parents come around.

2. A sticker of George Washington with a dialogue bubble that says, “I grew hemp.” I believe he was the largest producer in the colonies.

3. A magnetic voodoo doll that I bought in New Orleans. I haven’t tried it out yet, but people better watch out.

4. A bumper sticker with an alien on it that says, “You Don’t Scare Me. I’m A Teacher!” It came from the UFO Museum in Roswell, New Mexico, one of the greatest museums ever.

5. On top of the cabinet sits an original World War I German helmet – the kind with the spike on top. They would jab it into the ground and use it as a cooking pot. They used it as another got of pot as well. You can use your imagination.

Category 3 – Bookshelf Without Books

Top shelf first.

1. A miniature of the Roman Coliseum. I got it in Rome.

2. A candle from the San Xavier del Bac in Tucson, Arizona. An ex-girlfriend got it for me, and I finally visited the site last year.

3. A model of the Mayflower, the boat filled with pilgrims searching for religious freedom. Ugh. The real story of the Mayflower is a lot more interesting.

4. Two bobbleheads. One is a sheik wearing sunglasses. The other is a Muslim woman wearing an abaya. This is not an attempt at a political or religious statement. They were given to me by an ex-girlfriend who moved to the UAE. They sold them. She bought them. I displayed them.

Next shelf.

1. A textbook on Western Civilization. This is very outdated.

2. A book called, “Pauline’s: Memories of the Madam on Clay Street”. It was given to me by the university president and chronicles the life of a madam in Bowling Green, Kentucky.

3. Another book titled, “Life of Tom Horn”. He was a prominent figure in the cattle wars of Wyoming. Bad ending, they hung him.

4. And another book called, “Intimate Papers of Colonel House”. I have not read this. It is an old book gifted to me by a professor who passed away.

5. A little set of nuns and priests playing poker. This is from the same ex-girlfriend who gave the candle to me. These little guys came from Italy. I wouldn’t want to sit across the table from any one of them.

5. Along side those things is my Masters thesis about prostitution in mining camps of the American West. I don’t have much to say about this, except that I finished it.

The bottom shelf (I know. Thank God!)

1. A replica of a statue on campus. It was built to honor the laborers who built my building during the Great Depression. It is meant to symbolize the New Deal and other aspects of the era. Unfortunately, it is out of proportion and looks like a midget.

2. A brick from this building that was dislodged during renovation. It was originally laid in 1936 and looks like it.

3. A beer stein decorated with John Wayne pictures. I can’t help it. John Wayne is my all time favorite actor. Inside the stein, I placed glass sunflowers that a weird female student once gave me. Don’t ask.

I suppose this should end, but I can’t describe a historian’s office without listing a few books. We all have to have books. So, I will name the first book I see on each shelf.

Category 4 – Books

1. “Soiled Doves: Prostitution in the Early West” by Anne Seagraves

2. “The Pueblo Revolt of 1680: Conquest and Resistance in Seventeenth-Century New Mexico” by Andrew L. Knaut

3. “Parlor Politics: In Which the Ladies of Washington Help Build a City and a Government” by Catherine Allgor

4. “Authenticated History of the Bell Witch, and Other Stories of the World’s Greatest Unexplained Phenomenon” by M.V. Ingram

5. “Awash in a Sea of Faith: Christianizing the American People” by Jon Butler

6. “Mining Town: The Photographic Record of T.N. Barnard and Nellie Stockbridge from the Couer d’Alenes” by Patricia Hart and Ivar Nelson

Thankfully, that’s it. Oh, you may be wondering about my desk. Classes haven’t started yet, so there is nothing on it except sunglasses and a lamp.

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I Left (Some of) My Money in Tunica, Mississippi

29 Dec

For the past few days, I have been immersed in the entertainment possibilities of Tunica, Mississippi, a place to which I have been traveling with my family and friends for many years. Quite a few people in these parts go to Tunica, but you may not know that it is the gambling capital of the South. It doesn’t have the glamor of Las Vegas or the boardwalk of Atlantic City, but it has all I need to escape from the stress and worries of life – Blackjack tables.

Dominated by cotton and other crops, Tunica County was the poorest area in the state. Then, the Mississippi legislature, ahead of other states, legalized riverboat gambling. Casino owners, wanting access to the growing population of the South, quickly searched for a willing municipal partner, and the leaders of Tunica were eager to take advantage of their vicinity to the Mississippi River. It wasn’t long before casinos and grand hotels were springing from the flat bottom lands. Imagine looking out of your hotel room and seeing cotton fields all around. That is Tunica.

Gambling hit northern Mississippi a few decades ago, and I have visited the area countless times since. Many of the trips have been lost from memory or have blurred together, but the first time always stands out. I went with a bunch of friends, and we spent the first night in Memphis. A member of our group had a friend that we were going to meet up with, and when we met I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She was beautiful with jet black hair and dark eyes. Coincidentally, we had the same last name, and I started to think that will make things simple. We hit the town hard that night and headed the 30 miles south to the casinos the next day. I had just lost quite a bit of money in Las Vegas and began to brag that I was going to win all that back and more. Everybody was telling me that it was impossible and that I needed to shut up. However, she took it further. If I won more than I had lost, then she would take off all of her clothes and let me do a body shot off of her body – on any area I wanted. Game on.

When we walked into the casino, I picked out a Blackjack table and told them to get me there when they were ready to go. The table was packed with fun-loving people. We drank, laughed and gambled. I drank so much that I lost track of what I was betting (not a good idea generally). I was also distracted by the girl sitting next to me – Holly from Hope, Arkansas. We talked and flirted and bumped up against each other all night. She wanted my undivided attention, and I probably should have given it to her. But, I was on a mission. I don’t know how much time passed, but my good friend walked up and said everyone was ready. I said goodbye to Holly and went to the bank to cash in my chips without knowing exactly how much there was. With money in hand, I walked to where the group was sitting and pulled the cash out of my pocket. “Shot Girl” couldn’t believe that I had won double what I lost in Las Vegas. To her credit, she went through with our agreement, and a good time was had by all. Well, maybe not all, but I had a blast.

Through the years, my trips have calmed considerably. I have taken several girlfriends, but they didn’t grasp the enjoyment of gambling. My parents like to go, and I have taken them several times. The most fun was with my uncle. He loved Blackjack as much as me, and we spent many hours sitting at opposite ends of a table trying to break the bank. He passed away last year after a decade-long battle with cancer. Whenever we walked into a casino, he would say, “I’m getting well.”

This trip was just me and my parents. We stayed at Harrah’s and did most of our gambling there. I always start slowly and build up my pace. I played some video poker with my dad while my mom worked the penny slots. Then, I found my own penny machine based on “The Hangover” and won some money. By this time, we were getting hungry and hit Paula Deen’s Buffet. I am sure Paula’s real restaurant is a lot better, but this one is a great place to eat. Plus, gamblers get to eat for free, and it is easy to get into than her original locale – or so I hear. After dinner, I tried my first foray into Blackjack on a $5 table where the players were not too bad (more on that later). The conversation was fine, but I would rather not talk to anyone. The dealer should be a robot and the other players should just play. But, this was a chatty bunch.

I was at my usual 3rd base position (the last player before the dealer), and the guy at 1st base (the first player) was having a difficult time making decisions. On one hand, the guy asked for advice, and another player told him what “The Book” says. For serious Blackjack players, “The Book” is like the Holy Grail, as it charts every situation that you’ll face and tells you the play to make. Before sitting down at a table, I highly encourage you to memorize it. However, players have a love/hate relationship with it. They follow it but complain about it when they lose. The key is to play the percentages and get the best odds on your money while understanding that the house is still the favorite. That’s why they can build big buildings and provide free rooms, food and drinks.

Anyway, the player giving advice said that the only person to make money from the book was the guy who wrote it. It’s a common line with people who lose after making the right play. I hate it.

So, I interjected that I watched a documentary about him man who developed the Blackjack chart. He was a mathematician who was approached by a gambler about helping him win. After a weekend proving his theory worked, the math whiz quit Blackjack and used his formula to gain wealth in the stock market. In return, I received a smart remark about how it must have been a long time ago because nobody makes money in the stock market now. No shit, Sherlock. How long do you think “The Book” has been out? Another thing to remember, don’t try to bring an intelligent conversation to the table.

The next day we decided to get out of the casino for a while and check out the countryside. Most people who go to Tunica think they have actually gone to the city of Tunica, but they haven’t. The casinos sit in the Robinsonville community, and Tunica is several miles down the road. Riding through the city provides clues that the city fathers did not anticipate this. There is a History of Tunica Museum, and the town center has been turned into a park-like area surrounded by shops and small restaurants. Obviously, they expected an influx of tourists that did not show up in the expected numbers. And, the people who do not venture out are missing a lot. Tunica is a nice little town with a beautiful courthouse and interesting things to look at. Also, the Hollywood Cafe is closer to the casinos than Tunica. It was one of the great music clubs where many of the great Blues artists got their start. When Marc Cohn sings “Walking in Memphis”, he includes this line:

Now Murial plays piano

Every Friday at the Hollywood

He is referencing this place. I wonder how many gamblers even know it’s there.

However, a more famous blues place is just south of Tunica on Highway 61. Clarksdale, Mississippi was also one of the great Blues locales, but one with more mysticism. According to legend, it is where Robert Johnson went to the crossroads and sold his soul to the Devil in return for being a great Bluesman. Again, I wonder how many gamblers have ventured that far away from the slot machines.

When I returned to the tables, I realized how bad it can get. I sat at another $5 table and immediately knew that I had made a mistake. No one was playing by “The Book” except me. The man next to me even asked why I was making bad decisions. The guy at 1st base agonized over every decision. This is a bad sign because if someone knows “The Book”, then there is really no tough decision. You just do what you have trained yourself to do. Play the odds instead of hunches. In short, it was terrible, so I got up and went to a $25 table. Most people who are willing to bet a minimum of $25 and probably more know how to play the game. It was wonderful. No delayed decisions. Everything by “The Book”. Splits. Double downs. Fast-paced. I lost $600.

The only person to make money from “The Book” was the guy who wrote it.

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Childhood Memories – Road Trips

14 Dec

I am amazed at what my friends call a vacation. They talk about going to the beach; staying in a condo; eating seafood; and, generally, lying around for several days. They talk about how great it is to relax in the sun and read books. I know that many people think this is the perfect idea of fun and frivolity. I think it is hell on earth. It’s hot. It’s sweaty. Sand gets everywhere. Seafood is not meant to be eaten for a solid week. But most of all, sitting around all of that time is mind-destroying. I need to see something besides the same waves coming in from the same horizon before eating the same crab legs while wearing the same lobster bib. And I know whose fault it is that I think this way…

My dad dreamed of being a truck driver when he was a kid. He did not reach his dream but did become successful in the business world. With his dream of being a trucker dashed, my dad made sure that he ventured on that endless black ribbon by taking his family on road trips every summer. Other families went to the beach. We picked a cardinal direction, usually west, and headed out for a couple of weeks of constant changes in hotels and landscapes. My dad’s motto was “never burn daylight”, so we went from daylight to dark touring the country and checking out the scene. My mom even packed a cooler with sandwich stuff and drinks, so we could eat on the move. We were the real Griswold’s, and nothing from a movie can come close to what we experienced.

Because of my dad, I had visited all 50 states by the time I was 24. I developed a love for history from visiting the places where history happened. Some of my greatest memories are from the road, but it wasn’t all pleasant. Spending that much time in a cramped vehicle led to funny events that weren’t very funny at the time.

1. The Great Winnebago Trip – One year my dad got the bright idea to rent a motor home to drive cross-country. It started out good enough with my dad driving while the rest of us whooped it up in back. However, problems soon arose. The Winnebago broke down. And it broke down again. And it broke down again. In fact, it broke down all the way to California and back. It ended up with three fuel pumps that my brother had to hose down every time we stopped. The trip is legendary in these circles and can’t be accurately depicted here, but a few things stand out.

On a Saturday night, we broke down in Amarillo while heading west. The next Saturday night we broke down in Amarillo on the way east. The same mechanic worked on it both times. My mom took his picture. In between those two stops, we broke down in the middle of the Los Angeles freeway. We also broke down in a blasting zone. There was also the time we broke down in Needles and watched them fry eggs on the sidewalk. That was the last motor home.

2. The “My Mom Lost Her Mind” Trip – We spent the night west of the Colorado/Kansas border with the plan to drive to St. Louis the next day. Road trips are a loop, and the turn home was always seen as the home stretch. My mom was driving as we neared St. Louis in a rain storm. It was then that we discovered no rooms at the inns. St. Louis, big city that it is, was completely booked. My mom drove on. And drove on. And drove on. We tried to get her to stop, but she held a death grip on the wheel and wouldn’t listen. Her eyes got wide as she focused on the road. Ignoring the pleas of myself and my dad, she drove all the way home. We drove from Colorado to Tennessee in one day.

3. The “Speed of Sound” Trip – In junior high, my teacher asked us to write an essay about our summer. I wrote about our road trip, and she gave me an F for making it up. My mom had to call her and explain that it was all true. Simply, we drove to Virginia and toured the sights around Washington. We saw Mt. Vernon, Monticello, Arlington Cemetery and the Smithsonian. We then drove to Philadelphia and saw the history made there. Next, came New York (which I will discuss in more detail in #4), and a drive up to Niagara Falls. After the falls, we went into Canada and reentered the United States at Detroit. There we toured the Ford Museum. All of that took five days.

4. The “Tour of New York” Trip – Technically, this is the “Speed of Sound” Trip, but it deserves its own number. By this time, I was the official navigator and map-reader, and this was my job as my dad drove through the streets of New York City. He wanted to see Central Park, so I got him there. As we went through the park, I set the map to the side and looked around. When we came out of the park, we began to notice a degradation of our surroundings. Cars were on blocks. Windows were smashed out of buildings. It looked like a war zone. I picked up the map and told my dad not to stop at any cost. Don’t stop at red lights. Don’t stop if someone walks in front of us. My dad was driving his Cadillac down the street that separated Harlem and the Bronx. His orders were to drive to Yankee Stadium as fast as possible and get on the interstate.

5. The “That’s A Big Hole” Trip – Like a lot of people, my dad always wanted to see the Grand Canyon, and he made sure to stop the first chance he got. We parked the car and walked to the edge. As we stood there my dad declared, “That’s an awfully big hole.” We replied that it was. Then, he asked, “Ready to go?” In unison, we said, “Yes.”

Everyone should see the Grand Canyon once. It’s one of those things that makes the American landscape what it is. But, I’m not impressed with it. I think that it may be too big to appreciate, but it is not my favorite natural wonder. My nephew camped in the bottom last year and said it was great. That may be true. Riding the mules or flying over in a helicopter may be great too. However, I would rather see a lot of things than stand at the edge of the Grand Canyon and look into a big hole.

I know. All of this sounds terrible, and you are thinking that we would have been better off at the beach. However, these bad experiences were few and far between and gave us great stories to tell at family gatherings. The road trips were great bonding experiences and gave me the opportunity to see things that many people do not. For that, I am eternally grateful. Therefore, I am going to end this post on a positive note and list my favorite historic sites and natural wonders. I owe my parents for the love I have for these places.

My Favorite Historic Sites

1. The Little Big Horn Battlefield – I have mentioned this several times in other posts and will not go into great detail here. Just know that this is the one place where I can mentally take myself back in time.

2. Alcatraz – The first time I saw it the prison wasn’t open for tours. The second time it was and proved to be an amazing experience. You haven’t done anything until you have stood in Al Capone’s cell.

3. Biltmore Estate – This is the largest privately owned home in the United States. Built by an heir to the Vanderbilt fortune, it is the perfect example of Guilded Age decadence. No castle in Europe has anything on this.

4. The OK Corral – Tombstone, Arizona is the quintessential tourism laden ghost town. It looks kind of hokey today, but it held an important place in Old West history as the location of America’s most famous gunfight. As a bonus, Ben Traywick, who is from my home county, is the unofficial Tombstone historian.

5. Pearl Harbor – Technically, I did not see this on a road trip. Even my dad couldn’t drive to Hawaii. However, this is a historic site that everyone should see. Walking onto the Arizona Memorial is a spiritual experience.

My Favorite Natural Wonders

1. Monument Valley – The banner at the top of this blog is a photo I took at Monument Valley. Those buttes have been shown in countless movies and have long been symbols of the American West. It sits in the Navajo Nation and serves as a reminder of what they lost in the United States’ drive toward Manifest Destiny.

2. Yellowstone National Park – There is so much in the park that it is indescribable. Therefore, I will boil it down to my favorite thing. There is nothing like waking up in the Old Faithful Lodge; walking onto the porch; and, seeing buffalo walk through the steam of the geysers.

3. Sequoia National Park – Imagine trees sold old that they started growing when Jesus supposedly walked the earth and so large that they look as if they had been constructed. That is the best way I can describe this park. I will leave out the time I got lost in it when I was two.

4. Bryce Canyon – This is a canyon filled with rock formations called “hoodoos”. They fill the landscape and make you feel that you have landed in another world.

5. Denali National Park – We did not drive to Alaska, but Mt. McKinley is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. We were lucky enough to view it on a clear day and see the peak. I have no idea how big the mountain is, but I know that it filled the landscape from miles away.

There you have it. My road trip adventures. Isn’t that better than a beach?

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