This weekend, we went to a wedding, and, as we made our way through the celebration, a blog post worked its way through my mind. It was about how women love weddings and get excited about every aspect of them, but men would just as soon be somewhere else. It was going to continue with the idea that weddings are to women like football games are to men.
For example, I have never understood why someone would get married in the Fall because it is in the middle of football season. Even if it is on a weekend when your team is not playing, your team might be playing on a future anniversary. Why cause that future conflict when there are tons of other weekends to get married on?
When I say that, my wife looks at me like I am insane. How can anyone place a football game over a wedding? It is because women and men view things differently. Football only takes place on certain dates at a certain time of year. People can get married on any day.
Anyway, I decided not to write that post because it would probably be stereotypical, sexist, not funny and argument-inducing. Instead, I am going to write about the preacher at the wedding.
The preacher and I went to high school together, and, although he was a class or two behind me, we worked in the principal’s office together. During our free period, we hung out in the office to answer the phone, run errands and do whatever else needed doing.
One afternoon, the office was packed with people. Parents were there to get kids out of school. Students were there because they had gotten sent to the principal’s office for getting in trouble. The phone was ringing off the hook. The future preacher was working the counter, and I was answering the phone. That is when I heard a voice say:
Bomb threat.
What did you say?
Bomb threat.
Then, he hung up.
There was a protocol when something like this happened. First, we were not supposed to say anything in front of other people. That is especially true when there is an office full of them. Second, we are supposed to immediately tell the principal. However, there was a problem. The principal was in a high level meeting with his assistants and members of the school board. One assistant principal, who in another life would have been an evil witch queen, made it clear that they were not to be interrupted. This was my chance to interrupt them.
I went to the office and knocked on the door before opening it. The assistant principal glared at me and asked:
What are you doing in here?
I ignored her and spoke straight to the principal. I explained that there had been a bomb threat. He told me to go back out and that he would take care of it. I am certain his plan was to wait until near the end of the class period. That way less class time would be interrupted. This was in the days before bomb threats were deemed all that serious, and it was probably a student playing a prank.
I shut the door and walked back to the main office. That is when I saw the future preacher with the phone in his hand and a shocked look on his face. Before I could stop him, he blurted out:
Bomb threat.
Apparently, the guy called back. Everyone in the office started scurrying around. The parents were freaking out, and the students were joining in.
I just turned around and went back to the meeting. I knocked on the door and opened it. The assistant principal glared at me and asked:
What are you doing here?
I ignored her and spoke straight to the principal. I explained that there had been another call, and everyone in the main office knew about it. He rolled his eyes and got on the loud-speaker. A few minutes later, everyone in the school was walking to the football field.
The story had a happy ending. The school did not blow up. People were able to get out of class for a few minutes. I got the chance to bother the assistant principal. A lot of that was made possible by the future preacher who performed the wedding this weekend. That would be the same wedding that made a lot of women excited. You would have thought it was a football game or something.
SBI: A Thinning Crowd 
Reminds me – don’t ask why – of the time I sneaked out of class and rang the ‘end-of-day’ bell half an earlier than it should’ve gone off. Made a lot of friends.
You were the most popular kid in school. How difficult of a trick was that to pull off?
Not much. I excused myself from class to take a restroom break and then went on a rule break. Scientific curiosity, man. Wanted to see for myself how that bell worked.
I agree with the first half of the post, why have a wedding during football season?
It is a terrible idea.
These days they would have a SWAT team there in five minutes flat.
I wanted to elope or go to city hall and have the mayor marry us (he would have, we knew the guy) but GARRY wanted a REAL WEDDING because he was 48, never married and planned this to be his one and only wedding.
But this is how Garry got his wedding.
“I want a real wedding. In the church in which I grew up. In New York.”
“Why can’t we just have something here in Boston? New York is 250 miles away and you haven’t lived there in 28 years.”
(Pout, frown, grumble.)
“Fine. We’ll have a wedding.”
Marilyn makes the wedding. Garry shows up in a tux.
I’m glad he got his wedding. I’m sure he appreciates all the hard work you put into it.
I sure hope so 🙂
Need to tell you about my rules on weddings in Tennessee. You can marry from the middle of April till the middle of May then in the fall from the middle of September till the middle of October but not on an UT home game weekend.
This subject to change if the Vols ever return to a winning form!
The Fall has lost some of its luster since the Vols have been losing. When they start winning, its importance will return.