The Problem With Big Ass Vehicles

7 Nov

There used to be a television commercial about a guy who wanted to be a truck driver. When he asked for a job, the guy in charge pointed at a map and said that he had no doubt the new guy could drive from here to there. Then, he pointed outside and asked if he could get that truck from there to here. Simply, could the new guy back that truck into a tight space.

I cannot remember what product the commercial was trying to sell, but I think about that whenever I see a big ass vehicle that is terribly parked. When I say big ass vehicle, I am talking about this.Truck Park

And, I am talking about this.SUV 2

Many times, I have said that people should have to prove that they can part a big ass vehicle before they are allowed to drive it, and I am not kidding. It is ridiculous to drive something that you do not have the skill to park. However, that is not my only problem with big ass vehicles. I really do not see the point in their existence.

Let us first examine the super-sized pickup trucks. I have heard that some people need them for their jobs, and I am sure that is true. There are people who have to pull trailers and haul stuff. When I see someone using a truck for work, I think to myself, “Man, they really need a truck for work.”

However, I see a lot of these big ass vehicles that are not being used for anything except to make a spectacle. The engines are made to be as loud as possible. The headlights could light up a football field. Smoke is coming out of the pipes. Metallic testicles are hanging from the trailer hitch. It makes me wonder if the metal ones are making up for the lack of real ones.

Then, there are the extra long SUV’s. I have heard that these are needed to haul around kids and the stuff that comes with hauling around kids, and I am sure that is true. After all, kids, their friends, and all of their stuff take up a lot of room. However, people were hauling kids around town before these things were introduced onto the roads. On top of that, I see a lot of them rolling through town with only one person in them, and that person looks like their kids are long gone.

I think many of these big ass vehicles are meant to be symbols of success. Look at me, I drive an expensive SUV. Look at me, I live on a golf course. Look at me, I am somebody.

This is a free country, and people can drive whatever they want. I just have one piece of advice. Do not drive a vehicle because it makes you look tough. Do not drive a vehicle because it makes you look successful. Drive a vehicle that you can actually handle. If you can handle a big ass vehicle, then more power to you. Go for it. I just think that many people currently driving them cannot do it. Heck, George Patton basically invented tank warfare, and I am not sure he could park one them.

Oh, there is one more thing about George Patton. He was a tough bastard and was the wealthiest officer in the United States Army. I bet he did not need a big ass vehicle to prove either one.

22 Responses to “The Problem With Big Ass Vehicles”

  1. Marilyn Armstrong November 7, 2014 at 22:28 #

    I particularly hat Hummers. NOBODY needs a Hummer unless it’s the military. Gas hogs, road hogs, parking hogs.

    I wish I had an all-wheel drive Suburu or something that would get us through the winter, but I think we will settle for snow tires.

    • Rick November 7, 2014 at 22:31 #

      There is nothing wrong with driving something that can get through rough places. Heck, I have an SUV, too. It is these gigantic things that I don’t understand.

  2. smbaird November 7, 2014 at 23:10 #

    Amen, brother. I can understand those who need a big pickup for hauling things from place to place… hay bales, construction equipment, tool chests, etc. But most of the monsters I see are pristine… not a speck of mud or grime. I drive an old Subaru and it may not look shiny and new, but it gets me where I need to go. Or maybe I’m just jealous? Nah.

    • Rick November 8, 2014 at 00:18 #

      Thanks for the comment. A bunch of those trucks have never seen a construction zone.

  3. Lea November 8, 2014 at 03:03 #

    I call the sensed need for one of these vehicles “short man syndrome”, and I’m not referring to height. A similar condition to folks that drive on regular roads like NASCAR drivers.

    • Rick November 8, 2014 at 04:15 #

      I think you’re right. Like I wrote, some people need large vehicles, but others are trying to convince everyone of something.

  4. frontrangescribbles November 8, 2014 at 03:50 #

    Part of the issue is parking spaces have gotten smaller. Stores try to cram more parking spaces into a small lot. I had troubles with my F150 and it was not a monster vehicle.

    • Rick November 8, 2014 at 04:13 #

      That’s true. Spaces are getting smaller. I’ve noticed that some places are going the opposite way in order to draw more customers.

  5. satanicpanic November 8, 2014 at 04:33 #

    I worked at valet parking part-time for a while and one night I was at a hotel. Someone drove up in a Hummer. It was literally so big and awkward that even us (somewhat) professional car-parkers who had been parking Escalades and Excursions all night were at a loss with what to do with it. We ended up having to park it on the front lawn of the hotel, which is probably what the driver wanted anyway.

    • Rick November 8, 2014 at 13:53 #

      Should vehicles that professional parkers can’t park really be left in the hands of amateurs? What’s the best vehicle you ever parked?

      • satanicpanic November 8, 2014 at 18:59 #

        Probably not, but like you said, it’s a free country. I don’t think there should be a law against owning them, but mocking them is well within our rights.

        No one ever showed up with anything really crazy- no Lambos or Ferraris. There was a 90s V12 Jaguar that had really cushy leather seats and felt really powerful. I parked a lot of new Benz’s, Porsches, etc. but that one stuck out in my mind as a super nice car.

  6. DyingNote November 8, 2014 at 05:43 #

    Give in to the anger and come over to the dark side 😛

    Sorry, I just read that the zillionth Star Wars movie has been named.

    • Rick November 8, 2014 at 13:54 #

      Yep, the Force is waking up.

  7. Andrew Petcher November 8, 2014 at 09:32 #

    We don’t really have big ass vehicles like that in the UK but I can guarantee that wherever I park my car somebody in a Land Rover or a 4×4 will always park next to me!

    • Rick November 8, 2014 at 13:55 #

      It’s weird that we have huge vehicles in the US. I’ve often wondered why. It never fails that one will always park next to me, too.

  8. zillasnetwork November 8, 2014 at 13:49 #

    Reblogged this on ZILLAS NETWORK.

  9. zillasnetwork November 8, 2014 at 13:52 #

    Reblogged this on ZILLAS NETWORK.

  10. jcalberta November 14, 2014 at 23:11 #

    Around here we have lots of people driving those big 3/4 ton trucks. Guess they’re good in winter ?? but I sure couldn’t afford the gas.

    • Rick November 15, 2014 at 15:10 #

      We don’t have enough winter around here to justify it.

  11. returntothe80s December 16, 2014 at 22:42 #

    Awesome! There should be some kind of driving test to see if you can park. Or even drive it for that matter. A lot of times, I see some idiot trying to speed in one of those things, trying to show how cool they are, but they are all over the road.

    • Rick December 16, 2014 at 23:28 #

      Seriously. If you can’t people can’t drive them, then they shouldn’t be allowed to have them.


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    […] This blog began as a sarcastic view upon the world. Simply, I was going to write about the dumbness that we encounter in our everyday lives. There was a diatribe about gas pumps that used to get tons of hits. Then, there was part of the Sonic Drive-In business model. Recently, I went after people who choose to drive big ass vehicles. […]

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