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Menacing Phantom?

2 Mar

Earlier in the week, my nephew wanted me to see The Phantom Menace (I decided not to put the words “Star Wars” with it.) with him. I didn’t want see it, but I didn’t want to disappoint him either. He’s 18 and has seen all of the good (read: original ones). Apparently, he just couldn’t miss the 3D, big screen version of this one. A smart lad, he made a 35 on the ACT, but I knew that he didn’t know what he was doing and would be disappointed.

How did I know that? Because I was disappointed when I first saw it. I could remember the awe of seeing Star Wars (before they added “New Hope”) on the first row of the old Capitol Theater. The music. The spaceship flying across the screen. It was beautiful. I hoped against hope that The Phantom Menace would provide the same feeling but deep down knew that it would be impossible. George Lucas should have known it would be impossible too.

Anyway, we went to the movie and donned our glasses. The music played and an old feeling of awe emerged. Then, the paragraph hit the screen with the words “taxation” and “trade routes” Who in the world would make a movie about those things? A lot of action there. That feeling of awe seeped right out of my soul. Throughout the movie, I kept thinking about all of the problems.

1. They made a complicated series about economics and politics. I have to put up with that in real life. When I go to a movie named Star Wars, I want to escape my world. The first movie (I mean the real first one.) was a simple good guys v. bad guys affair. The story has been filmed countless times. Lucas just added some special effects to it. Although, he says otherwise. I am convinced that Lucas had one western-type story to film, and it hit huge. When the studio saw that money could be made, they asked for more. There couldn’t have been a grand plan for an epic. If so, then why did a brother kiss a sister? There is no way he thought past the first one.

I know. This is going too long. However, the richer Lucas became the more he thought people were interested in his views on the world. We are not. We are interested in him making simple stories with a lot of cool effects.

Oh, and how do you democratically elect a queen?

2. Everybody complains about Jar Jar Binks, but he is actually the most endearing member of his species. The fat leader was ridiculous. I know people jumped on Jar Jar because of racism, and there is no way he is a good sidekick replacement for Chewy. However, the absolute worst character is the announcer for the race. In action films, comedy should be subtle. You don’t need clowns spouting off everywhere.

3. Computer generated aliens are not as good as people dressed like aliens. Lucas got all happy with his technology and made too many insect-looking creatures. The cool ones were walking around on two legs with humanoid features. Like the plot, some things should be kept simple.

4. Lucas introduced a kid. How can we believe that a cute little blonde kid is going to grow up to be one of the greatest villains in movies history? It should have started with him being a pissed off teenager. And, how gross is it to see Natalie Portman and this kid together when we know that they will eventually get it on? Very upsetting.

I could go on, but I don’t want to be like Lucas and drag this thing out. When the film ended, I asked my nephew how he liked it. He liked it. A lot. In fact, he liked it better than the original. How could that be? Maybe it was seeing it on the big screen. He has only seen the first ones on TV, and, honestly, that does take away some effect. He’s a smart kid. I had to know. So, I asked why. He replied that the first one was too slow with too much talking. I couldn’t believe it, so I watched it the next day. Turns out that he is right.

Star Wars was groundbreaking movie that changed the audience and the industry, but, like many things, it seems bigger as a child. Like I tell my history classes, people talk about the good old days, but they were never really that good. All generations have problems, but we look at the past through rose-colored glasses. I think some Star Wars fans, including me, have done this. The first movies had such an impact that nothing else could compare. But, young people like my nephew have a different perspective. Not just about Star Wars but about the world.

So, maybe Lucas was right after all. They are his movies to do as he pleases. Just like a professional football team, there are fans, but there is also an owner. In the end, it belongs to him. Star Wars belongs to Lucas. Maybe he realized the purity of the first ones needed to be changed for a new world view. Perhaps he realized that 21st Century audiences needed a more complicated story. It could be that he wasn’t making them for the 1970s/80s fans.

With that in mind I started thinking about The Phantom Menace with a more positive view.

1. It was cool to see the Jedi Council building. I only wish that Samuel L. Jackson had looked at Liam Neeson and said, “Look motherfucker! Can’t you see that this little punk is going to become the baddest ass we have ever seen?!”

2. Darth Maul was cool too. How can you go wrong with a red dude with horns? After all, only Satan could precede Darth Vader.

3. Liam Neeson made an excellent Jedi. At least he made the movie and didn’t bitch afterwards like Alec Guiness did for years.

4. Jar Jar and the gang turned out to be pretty good on the battlefield. They stood up to the droid army and didn’t slobber on themselves too much. Besides, how bad could they be compared to Ewoks?

In the end, my nephew changed my mind a little about The Phantom Menace. Then, he asked, “Which is better, Star Wars or Star Trek? Sigh.

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Putting the Amp Back into Vampire

24 Feb

Last year, I saw Ozzy Osbourne in concert, and, like everything about the Ozzman, the show started out strangely. As the lights went down, movie scenes were shown on a giant screen with one caveat, Ozzy was superimposed into the scenes. One had him as a blue person from Avatar. As Ozzy checked out his new body, his arms and legs were not the only giant blue appendages showing. He was also placed in a scene with the Twilight girl. As she gazed into the distance, Ozzy slipped up behind her and said, “Vampires are (a slang term for female genitalia), I am the Prince of Darkness!” And with that, Ozzy hit the stage.

Now, Ozzy Osbourne is not a great philosopher by any means, but he is correct when he states at vampires are (a slang term for female genitalia). Things such as True Twilight Blood have taken one of the great characters of folklore/literature/movies and turned him into a dream boat for teenage girls in one incarnation and one member of a creature ensemble dropped into a southern gothic tale in another. How can vampires be reduced to such a status? Well, I am here to fix this and remind people of what a vampire is really meant to be.

The following is a list of real vampires who would not be caught “living dead” in a series of books with a girl named Sookie or in a series of movies that attracts squealing girls.

Eleonore von Schwarzenberg – Everyone should have the Smithsonian Channel because it has cool documentaries like The Vampire Princess.

Bram Stoker's Inspiration?

An Austrian princess, Eleonore gained the suspicions of her people as she battled cancer. Her physical appearance and her attempts to gain better health seemed strange to the people of the early 18th Century. Rumors fed into local folklore, and soon people began whispering that she was a vampire. Upon her death, steps were taken to make sure she would not awake. Some scholars believe her story was the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s writings and use the deleted opening of Dracula as the proof. It seems that the original beginning had a vampire attack at the tomb of an Austrian princess.

Nosferatu– What would happen if this guy showed up at Sookie’s house?

Sookie! Sookie! Where's my cookie?

Ok, I have to admit that I have never seen this classic silent movie, but it is high on my list of things to do. After all, it introduces the concept that vampires can be killed by sunlight. And, the director thought Max Schreck, who played Nosferatu, was so ugly that all he needed was some pointy ears and false teeth. That’s a little more realistic that what is put out there today.

Bela Lugosi– The quintessential vampire for many people, Lugosi actually played Dracula on Broadway before he ever played the role on film.

The Curse of Dracula

On playing Dracula, Bela Lugosi once said, “It’s a living, but it’s also a curse. Dracula’s curse.” Perhaps no actor has been associated with a character like Lugosi was associated with Dracula. He played the character with style and a hypnotic personality. He didn’t have fangs because he didn’t need them. Lugosi had aspects that were more deadly. Dracula, one of Lugosi’s first films, was released in 1931, and he seemed stuck playing in horror movies from that point on. In fact, he returned to the role in an attempt to make fun of it when he appeared in 1948s Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein.

Blacula– Two genres come together as Blaxploitation meets horror. William Marshall plays an ancient African prince who is turned into a vampire by Dracula.

I'm Gonna Catch You

With a soundtrack featuring the Hues Corporation, the movie finds the vampire awakened in Los Angeles where he finds his reincarnated wife. In effect, he is played as a sympathetic figure who was a victim of the more famous Dracula. As a fan of Blaxploitation films, I have several songs from the soundtrack on my iPod and know that Blacula better be happy that he did not run into Pam Grier.

Lily Munster– Vampires are supposed to have a sex appeal that attracts their victims. That’s why we have the pop culture vampire problem of today. For my money, the sexiest vampire of all time appears in a sit-com.

Look into my eyes.

Yvonne De Carlo played Lily as a housewife trying to get through the zaniness of her husband and father. However, she also had a bit of spice because De Carlo simply couldn’t help it. Those who know her only for The Munsters have missed out on one of the sexiest and most beautiful actresses of all time. I must admit that the show never made sense to me because I never understood why she was married to Herman. Lily could have sunk her teeth into any man. (Sidenote, the Munster house sits on Wisteria Lane and is not far from the Bates Motel.)

Gary Oldman – Apparently, this is coming full circle. The list started with the princess that inspired Bram Stoker and ends with an iconic portrayal of Bram Stoker’s creation. Obviously, producers wanted everyone to know that Bram Stoker’s Dracula was based on the original work. Why else would they put Stoker’s name in the title? But, I am not honoring Stoker here. I am honoring Gary Oldman.

Nice Shades

I mean, how cool is that? Blue-tinted sunglasses. Top hat. Stick pin. He could be a ZZ Top song. But, the best part about Oldman’s version is his choice of damsels to quench his thirst. Winona Ryder is my favorite actress of all time. I’ve had a crush on her since Beetlejuice, and I am serious when I say that she can steal from me anytime. On top of having Winona hanging around, Dracula gets to have sex on a park bench with the hot redhead.

Look, I don’t know anything about Team Blonde Vampire or any of these other reincarnations, but I know one thing for sure. If I ever head to that little Louisiana town in search of Sookie, then this is the team I am taking with me.

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The Horror of It All

15 Feb

Recently, my nephew and I saw The Woman in Black, the horror movie starring Daniel Radcliffe. When I told my girlfriend that we were going, she immediately started in on the “I Hate Horror Movies” conversation. She went on about how she doesn’t understand why they are enjoyable and how she can’t sleep if she watches one. Of course, she has become a pro at watching movies through her fingers. After we saw the movie, she asked if I had to lock my bedroom door and sleep with the covers over my head.

Well, nothing like that happened. In fact, the only thing that scared me about The Woman in Black was the future prospect of Radcliffe’s acting career. The audience consisted mostly of mothers with their Tween daughters, and I reckon they thought it was going to be Harry Potter versus Valdemort’s younger sister. With that being said, I must admit that there were a few times when I thought he should just pull out his wand and get rid of the bitch. That’s unfortunate for Radcliffe because I am afraid that he is heading down the path that Sean Connery took after James Bond. Although Connery made some good films, people did not accept his new roles, and his career stagnated until it recovered with The Untouchables. The one thing I fear more than Radcliffe’s future is being forced to watch a screening of Zardoz.

This is probably a good time to get back to my original point. The Woman in Black did its best to scare me, but no “scary” movie has ever accomplished that. It’s just a movie. I have never understood why people fear something on a screen and jump at every noise when they get home. I say again that it’s just a movie. However, my girlfriend’s comments did make me think. Have I ever locked my bedroom door after a movie? No. Have I ever slept with my head under the covers? No. But, I have had a few movies that stayed with me for a while. They did not make me afraid, but they did give me the creeps and made me think. These are the ones that will never get a second viewing by me.

Misery – The idea of being trapped or held prisoner has always bothered me, but a lot of movies play off that theme. This one really hit the cringe quotient when Kathy Bates took a sledge-hammer to James Caan’s legs. He got massacred as Sonny Corleone and played the toughest sport ever in Rollerball, but nothing compared to this. It took days to get the sound of bone crunching out of my head.

Pet Sematary – My friends and I saw this one at the old multiplex in town. The details have faded, but I know shit starts getting up and walking out of a cemetery good things will not happen. This is not a very scary movie on any scale, so I don’t know what hit me wrong. It was just creepy. (Oh, one more thing. I suppose the kid could be considered a zombie since he is the living dead, and that brings up a pet peeve of mine. When did voodoo lose the monopoly on zombies? Now, it’s always a disease that causes it.)

The Ring – This was a cool movie in every way. Cool concept. Cool filming. I was thoroughly entertained until the epilogue. When the girl crawled out of the television, I got creeped to the max. Of all the films, I carried this one the longest and didn’t watch television in my bedroom for a long time.

Paranormal Activity – This is one of the best horror concepts in a long time, and it scares me to think they will mess it up with continuous sequels. The latter ones a weaker than the first, but that could be because it was so great. It increased my creep factor by placing the story in an everyday setting about everyday people. There are no weird priests or spooky fog in this one. It’s in a suburban house that could be down the street. Or could be the one you live in.

The Grudge – I don’t remember much about his one, but I can never forget the creepy ghost kid that looked like Mikey from those old cereal commercials. The only difference is that after he ate anything – the anything turned out to be rat poison. And, that black blob thing was kind of strange as well. It was the scariest blob since James Arness in The Blob.

Twelve Monkeys – This movie is not really part of the genre. It is more of a desolate future kind of story. However, it stayed with me for a while. As I wrote earlier, I am not big on movies that show people being trapped, and I am sure my therapist would say there is some deep psychological reason for this. And, this movie is about being trapped in a time loop. We don’t know it until the end when Bruce Willis realizes it. It was a great movie until I figured out that the story was going to keep going and going like some evil Energizer bunny in Groundhog Day.

There you have it. The movies that stayed with me even though they didn’t scare me. I promise they didn’t, and I didn’t cover my eyes once.

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King of the Pecos

11 Feb

Did you know the King of the Pecos was from Tennessee? Born in Hardeman County in 1824, John Chisum’s family moved to Texas when he was a teenager. As Chisum grew older, he became a leader in the booming cattle industry of the area and provided beef for reservations in New Mexico. As a result, Chisum moved his operation to a 100 mile range on the Pecos River.

With his 60,000 head of cattle, Chisum became known as the King of the Pecos. As his wealth grew, other cattlemen challenged Chisum’s power, and the famous Lincoln County War ensued, an event that made Billy the Kid famous. Chisum died in 1884, but he has been immortalized on film by such stars as James Coburn and John Wayne. While the portrayals have not been accurate, they have made for some entertaining movies and memorable quotes. Consider the following from Wayne’s Chisum.

James Pepper: You know there’s an old saying. There’s no law west of Dodge and no God west of the Pecos. Right, Mr. Chisum?

John Chisum: Wrong, Mr. Pepper. Because no matter where people go, sooner or later there’s the law. And, sooner or later they find God’s already been there.

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Brought to You By the Number 20

7 Feb

Count von Count makes his return on a milestone day in the world of “Surrounded by Imbeciles”, as of this moment 20 people are following the blog. I realize that’s not a great amount in comparison to many of the blogs out there, but that’s around 19 more than I thought would ever click the follow button. What makes it more special is the fact that no one in my non-internet life knows this blog exists. So, I appreciate everyone who follows this blog. With that in mind, here is a tribute to the number 20 HA HA HA HA!

20/20 – Obviously, this is the measurement for perfect vision, which is something I do not have. It is also the basis for the old saying, “Hindsight is 20/20.” However, this represents the television newsmagazine 20/20. Actually, I should narrow it further. This represents 20/20 in its original form with Hugh Downs as the host and reporters such as Geraldo Rivera and John Stossel. When I was a kid, I thought it was a cross between 60 Minutes and Real People. Looking back, I may not have been too wrong. Just remember, “I am Hugh Downs, and this is… 20/20.”

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea – The book? I have never read it. The movie? James Mason is cool, but Kirk Douglas is miscast. I am talking about the old ride at the Magic Kingdom in Disney World. It could have been the lamest ride ever. At least with “It’s a Small World” you know what you are going to get. “20,000 Leagues” faked you out with these cool looking submarines sitting in a lagoon. Once you climbed in there were these uncomfortable benches and the distinct smell of a locker room. Then, you look out of the windows at fake looking fish and plants. I changed my mind. It was the lamest ride ever.

$20 – This denomination honors Andrew Jackson, who lived down the road from my town. We hear a lot about “Old Hickory” in these parts, and I teach with a couple of Jacksonian historians. Jackson is a controversial figure of presidential history due to his policies toward Native Americans. In fact, the 20 is not a welcome denomination on many reservations. So, take some other money if you ever find yourself on one. There is some irony to Jackson’s portrait. He hated paper currency and shut down the national bank that issued it.

20 Questions – People say this is a fun game, but I have never had the patience for it. Once I get past “is it bigger than a breadbasket” I am throwing guesses out there.

20th Century Fox – The movie studio came into existence in 1935 with the merger of (surprise) 20th Century Pictures and Fox Film Corporation. It produced classic musicals such as The King and I and The Sound of Music. It got in trouble when management offered Elizabeth Taylor $1 million to star in Cleopatra, and she took it. However, there was a rebound in Science Fiction with Fantastic Voyage and Planet of the Apes. Of course, the studio reached Sci-Fi perfection in the 1970s with Star Wars. As a major studio, there are too many movies to list.

1920 – A big year in history, the 19th Amendment was ratified and gave women the right to vote, an event that my state played a major role in. Warren G. Harding was elected president of the United States. Bill Cullen, the host of more game shows than anyone in history, was born. George Gipp, the football player immortalized on film by Ronald Reagan, passed away.

There you have it. In honor of the 20 blog followers, a short dedication to the number 20.

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Brains, Brawn and Beauty

5 Feb

I was reading an article about the disappointing box office performance of Haywire, a movie that I can’t explain very well because I haven’t seen it. But, the previews looked cool as a secret agent-type is double-crossed by her organization, and she has to fight her way to the top. This is typical fare for the genre, but critics gave good reviews and felt that the movie would be a hit. Apparently it wasn’t, and the article looked into the reasons why. Most felt that it was due to the fact that it was the first movie for the female lead. Perhaps they are correct, but it immediately reminded me of a conversation with some guys I eat lunch with every week . When I said that Haywire looked cool, the general reply was that it was stupid because they put a woman in a man’s role. It wouldn’t be realistic. As if anything Sylvester Stallone did was realistic.

That conversation and article made me start thinking. Do men, who are the target audience for action movies, not want to see a woman in a strong lead role? Do they want them to be eye candy as the bullets fly? Surely not. Some of the best characters have been women who could kiss a man and kick his ass just as well. I decided to list some of my favorites, which I believe handle any situation with brains, brawn and beauty.

Pam Grier as Coffy –

70s Heaven

Actually, I could pick any character played by the Queen of Blaxploitation. Friday Foster. Foxy Brown. Sheba, Baby. She was the baddest woman around. As Coffy, she is a nurse whose sister becomes addicted to heroin. For revenge, Grier goes undercover as a prostitute for King George. Along the way, she kills mobsters, drug dealers and pimps. However, she shows her true talents while fighting one of George’s women. When the woman grabs Coffy’s hair, she finds that it is filled with razor blades.

Wonder Woman as herself –

Robin, you're next.

I am not talking about the Linda Carter version. This is a tribute to the Wonder Woman from Superfriends. She’s like a patriotic dominatrix with the boots, the bustier, the metal arm bands and the rope. But, it’s not just any rope. It makes the person tied up with it tell the complete truth. Who couldn’t use a bondage instrument like that? Somehow, I got the feeling that Superman, Batman and all the rest were afraid of her. Robin (Holy Safe Word, Batman!) definitely was.

Angie Dickinson as Pepper Anderson –

Anyone named Pepper has to be hot and spicy.

I must admit that I barely remember Police Woman, but my dad always had a thing for Angie Dickinson. So, in honor of him, I am placing her on the list as Sgt. Suzanne “Pepper” Anderson. She has the looks, the gun and, obviously, the brains. However, Dickinson had all of this before she ever played a cop.

Jillian Michaels as, well, Jillian Michaels –

One way or another, I will make you cry.

If I met Jillian Michaels I wouldn’t know whether shake her hand or beg her not to put me on a treadmill. She gained fame by helping people get physically healthy but affecting their emotional health at the same time. Obviously, she is a driven woman who resculpted her body and believes everyone can do the same. Robin, I don’t know what the safe word with Jillian is, but I hope it’s not pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

Deidre Hall and Judy Strangis as Electra Woman and Dyna Girl –

Look, It's Wonder Woman and that dumb jet that she thinks is invisible.

From the minds of Sid and Marty Krofft, the superhero pair fought the likes of Glitter Rock and the Empress of Evil while wearing brightly colored spandex. They operated from Electrabase and drove the Electracar. The whole point was to make fun of Batman and Robin, which wasn’t difficult in those days. All I know is that the little people in Dr. Shrinker and the people in The Land of the Lost could have definitely used the services of Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.

Nichelle Nichols as Nyota Uhura –

Not red skirt! Red alert!

Most female characters on the original Star Trek were there to walk around in short skirts and go-go boots. Nichols could do that as well as any of them, but she also played a vital role as a member of the deck crew. Kirk could not have pulled off many of his famous bluffs without Uhura as his communications officer. She was also one half of television’s first interracial kiss, even though the writers tempered it by having an alien force it upon her and the captain.

Linda Gray as Sue Ellen Ewing –

Well J.R., it looks like you got exactly what you deserved.

Sue Ellen is not an action oriented character like the others, but she is tough nonetheless. Anyone who can stand toe-to-toe with J.R. Ewing may be the toughest person on the list. Gray brought grace and strength to a character who faced weekly travails caused by her ruthless husband. She didn’t shoot J.R., but it was probably because sister beat her to the trigger.

Sandahl Bergman as Valeria –

I'll be ok as long as they don't shoot any snake arrows.

Weilding a sword and her sexiness, Valeria fought alongside Conan the Barbarian and took his heart in the process. After being killed by a poisonous snake arrow, she continued to haunt Conan’s dreams and inspired him to decapitate James Earl Jones and destroy a cult that convinced people to wear robes, have orgies and jump to their deaths. Conan the Destroyer is a far worse movie than Conan the Barbarian, and the reason is obvious. Bergman wasn’t in it. Arnold may have become the star, but Sandahl was a better warrior.

Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium –

She can strip while balancing feathers on her head and handling an obvious phalanx symbol.

From Dusk Till Dawn finds criminals played by George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino heading to a Mexico tavern to meet Cheech and discuss whatever happened to Chong. Instead of running into Cheech, the pair is mesmerized by the dancing of Santanico. And, what puts her on this list? She is a stripper that moonlights as the queen of the vampire colony that they have stumbled into. With Hayek putting a new definition on vamp, this is the coolest vampire movie ever.

Princess Ariel as herself –

Thundarr, you make my hands glow.

“Demon Dogs! I’ve screwed myself again!” How many times did Thundarr the Barbarian say that? It’s a good thing he had Princess Ariel around because her sorcery got him out of many a jam. Raven hair. Ruby lips. Sparks fly from her fingertips. She could have been a song by The Eagles. Instead, she spent her days being the smart member of a trio trying to make their way through a destroyed Earth. “Lords of Light! I must be an idiot for not hooking up with you!” Thundarr said that a lot too.

There you have it. My list of female characters who have brains, brawn and beauty. Any man who doesn’t like them is plain scared.

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Movies that Time Forgot

3 Feb

Classic movies of the past are remembered and often honored. They continue to live on movie channels and Blu-Ray discs and are watched and analyzed by cinema scholars and ordinary fans. But, what about the movies that did not become classics – the ones that had a short run on the silver screen and a bit longer run on late night cable. These are not analyzed or held up as artistic achievements. They are the movies that time forgot. They exist only as memory fragments of those who saw them. Today, a stream of consciousness led me to such a movie.

This was test day in my classes, and I promise that teachers love test days. While the students are searching their brains for answers they hope will come, teachers can sit back and relax. For me, this means a day of surfing the internet. An activity such as this can get tedious after a while and can lead to some strange places. A stop by the Entertainment Weekly website led me on a journey that I never expected.

As I scanned the site for news about The Hunger Games movie, I noticed a snippet about Sherilyn Fenn, an 80s vixen that I was totally infatuated with, and her upcoming role on a television show that I never heard of. Wondering what she looks like these days, I googled her images and found that she has aged well. Then, I went to the Internet Movie Database to recount her career. There was Boxing Helena, a controversial movie if I remember correctly, and Two Moon Junction, an erotic thriller designed to show off Fenn’s assets. Interestingly, it was also the last film for Burl Ives and Herve “Da Plane, Da Plane” Villechaize. But, I didn’t stay with Two Moon Junction for long because I suddenly remembered my favorite Sherilyn Fenn movie, The Wraith.

Charlie Sheen used to be cool. Here's the proof.

In The Wraith, Charlie Sheen, Fenn’s boyfriend, was killed by a drag-racing gang. Apparently, he took tiger blood before his death because Sheen comes back as the Wraith, a drag-racing, ass-kicking ghost – perhaps the coolest ghost ever. He had a fast car and an awesome racing helmet. He kills the gang leader, Nick Cassavetes, in the end, and Sherilyn finally figures out who he really is. Then, Sheen drives off into the sunset. Too bad for him that his career has not had the same cool fade out. As I read about The Wraith, I began thinking about other car chase movies and remembered The Last Chase.

The Six Million Dollar Man meets Speed Racer

I watched The Last Chase almost every time it was on cable. This movie starred Lee Majors as an old race car driver living in a future USA that has faced some real issues. A plague had killed millions, and OPEC had cut off our oil supply. A totalitarian government ruled over a populace that traveled by bicycles and electric golf carts. Apparently, golfing was still a popular pastime. Majors, the government spokesman proclaiming the evils of cars, tired of this way of life a rebuilt a race car that he had hidden under the house. After picking up a stowaway in the form of Chris Makepeace, Majors heads on a cross-country trip to “free California”, which has broken away and started using gas-guzzling cars. This has always seemed ironic to me. A state full of environmentalists who do not want us to pump our own fuel ends up being the one that brings the fuel back. At any rate, the government unleashes Burgess Meredith, an old Vietnam War pilot, to chase the car in an antique fighter jet. How can a movie be better than that?

For some reason, this movie has always stuck with me, and certain spots stood out.

1. Chris Makepeace learned how to drive in a race  car. How cool is that?

2. Authorities used an old Coca-Cola delivery truck to block the roads. I wonder if it still had fizz.

3. Native Americans took back control of their land once the USA retreated to the cities. This was always my favorite part. With a lot of patience, they won in the end.

Anyway, I have always wanted to see this movie again, so I headed over to Amazon to see if it was available. Lo and behold, it has been released on DVD, and I bought it immediately. I suppose it wasn’t Blu-Ray worthy. So, my trip through the movies that time forgot led me to The Last Chase, which I eventually caught. I wonder if it will be as good as I remember.

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Your Assignment…Should You Choose to Accept

27 Jan

This semester I have the good fortune of teaching my favorite class, a history of the American West. This is my major area of study, and I get a kick out of talking about all of the things I have researched and written about. However, it needs to be fun for the students as well. I believe that many historians do a wonderful job of making an interesting topic as boring as possible, and I attempt the opposite. History is fun for me, and I want the students to have the same experience.

Several years ago, I developed something that the students call the “Movie Assignment”. They watch a movie based within the time period we are discussing and compare it to actual events. The scenery and action of the films provide them with a visual clue of what may have been like, and the story often gives them an idea of life itself. Obviously, not all movies are appropriate for this type of activity. Pearl Harbor may have been the dumbest plot ever written. Therefore, World War II class did not get the option to watch it. They got movies with deeper meanings and more of a foundation in reality.

In the American West, students have the pleasure of watching films from my favorite genre. Except, there is a different aspect to the assignment. Western settings have long been used to offer more contemporary lessons. Think of it as the Mt. Olympus of the United States. It is the place with myths are made, and flawed heroes face decisions with no correct answers. To get the students on the right path, I recently assigned each of them a movie to watch. We haven’t discussed what they should look for because I want them to watch the movies for enjoyment first. This post lists the movies and why I chose them. If you get the chance to watch them, then perhaps these are things you can look for.

1. Rango– I know, it’s a cartoon. However, it pays homage to westerns throughout the decades. Watching closely, you can pick up small details that bring to mind the great western movies and western actors. Besides, how can a movie be bad when “The Man With No Name” shows up as the Spirit of the West. I only that the original “Man With No Name” could have been used to voice the character.

2. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance – “This is the West, sir. When legend becomes fact, print the legend.” One of the great lines in western history and an statement that describes how difficult it is for historians to dig through the legend to get to the fact. This film is filled with symbolism, as each character represents an aspect of the “taming of the frontier” experience.

3. Fort Apache – The second John Ford/John Wayne movie on the list (TMWSLV was the first), this is one of the first movies to show Native Americans in a positive light. It takes real battles of the Indian Wars and combines them into a fictional one. In the process, it shows the misguided policies of the United States toward native peoples. This could be relavent for a lot of times in history – Indian Wars, Vietnam War, Gulf War.

4. The Searchers – The third John Ford/ John Wayne installment (I promise that they don’t make up the entire list) is an epic about a man searching for his niece, who was kidnapped by Indians. It shows his maniacal racism toward these people and how it increases throughout the film. Most of the underlying currents were missed by the audiences of the time, but they come to light as the years pass.

5. The Magnificent Seven – A remake of the Japanese film, The Seven Samurai, this movie was had a compliation cast of stars in an action packed adventure. However, many don’t realize that the original Japanese film was a western placed in a different time and place. So, a western copied a foreign film that copied a western storyline. This shows that the themes of the western genre are actually universal.

6. Dances With Wolves – The Kevin Costner movie won the Academy Award for Best Picture. did you know it’s more popular “remake” lost the same award? Avatar has made more money than any movie in history, but it should be renamed to Dances With Aliens. It’s the same storyline. Watch them back to back and see what I mean. This shows that the western never disappeared. It simply got better graphics and tuend into Sci-Fi. For example, Gene Roddenberry was a writer for Wagon Train when he pitched Star Trek as “Wagon Train to the stars”. And , can’t you picture the black-hatted darth vader as a cattle baron building his empire on the backs of settlers (before the later movies became some convuluted political statement)? Also, when Luke returns to find his uncle’s homestead burning, it reflects Ethan Edwards returning to find his brother’s homestead burning in The Searchers.

7. Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid – Sam Peckipah uses this movie to depict his idea of the destruction of the American west. Look at all of the western character actors that are killed or shown in stages of degeneration. Peckinpah’s version of western history is inaccurate, but his portrayal of the disappearing frontier is poignant. Plus, Slim Pickens dies with Bob Dylan singing “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door”. The best dying scene ever.

8. The Outlaw Josey Wales – There should be a law that says everyone has to watch this movie once a year. Josey sees his life ripped apart by the ravages of war. In response, he becomes a gunfighter to reap revenge on those who killed his family. Along the way, he picks up a surrogate family of people who have seen their lives destroyed by violence and hardship. It turns out that the “loner” isn’t alone after all. Filmed in the mid-1970s, the Civil War and its aftermath can easily be seen as the Vietnam War.

9. Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee – An attempt to depict the plight of Native Americans as they saw their lifestyle and land taken away. It is a noble attempt. Unfortunately, there are a lot of inaccuracies. The Native American story needs to be told and can be told in an accurate and informative way. This movie, in an attempt to tell the other side of the story, goes to far the other direction. As in all conflicts and clashes of cultures, there are good and bad people on both sides. Portraying that inaccurately takes the meaning away from all of them. On top of that, the portrayal of the Battle of Little Big Horn is shameful.

10. High Noon – This movie is not exciting at all. And, I cringed each time I see the sheriff ask for help. However, there is a reason he does. This movie places real life events in another setting as the sheriff represents those victimized by the House on Un-American Activities Committee that was led by Joseph McCarthy. Audiences of the time would never watcha movie about a supposed communist, but they would watch a movie about a sheriff in trouble.

11. Jeremiah Johnson – Based on an actual mountain man, Robert Redford shows the harshness of life as a Rocky Mountains trapper. There are accuracies and inaccuracies, but the overall story is true to the experience. The scenery is fantastic and the dialogue is witty and appropriate. Under the current, you find the story of a man who tries to run away from civilization only to find that it is never far away.

12. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly – A western about the Civil War in New Mexico that was filmed in Europe. What else can I say? When it came out, many movie critics panned it because everyone knows that the Civil War took place in the east. Wrong. It is based on a reall mission to capture what is now New Mexico. This movie shows how westerns influenced film makers in other countries and how they, in turn, influenced the genre and the view on the region’s history. Also, the musical score is the best of any western ever. And, an American didn’t compose it. Weird for those people who believe the west is all about independence and the American ideal. It wasn’t about that at all.

So, there is the list for my students. Can you think of any other movies I should have used instead? Do you think my students will stumble upon this in their research. If they ever get away from Wikipedia that is.

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Brought to You By the Number 50

26 Jan

The “Surrounded by Imbeciles” world hit a milestone yesterday with its 50th post. With that in mind, this installment is dedicated to the number 50 HA HA HA HA!

I never realized until this moment that his name is Count von Count.

50/50 – The chance that I would reach 50 posts when this blogging experiment began.

50 First Dates – Adam Sandler + Drew Barrymore + Groundhog Day = 50 million dead brain cells. Also, when was the last time you saw something about Hawaii without the Israel Kamakawiwo’ole version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” included on the soundtrack. Great song but don’t overdo it.

50 States – Do you know why it’s an even number? Because they had to bring states in two at a time before the Civil War to make sure that the number of free states and slave states was equal.

Hawaii 5-0 – Are you Team Jack Lord or Team Alex O’Loughlin? Honestly, I have never seen an episode of either incarnation. The opening is cool, but I could never get past it.

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover – Actually Paul, there are countless ways to leave your lover, but 50 makes a good round number for a song title. When I was a kid, I could sing the parts like “slip out the back, Jack” and “make a new plan, Stan”. However, as an adult my favorite line is the first – “The problem is all inside your head”, she said to me. Truer words have never been sung. Just ask my ex-girlfriends.

50 Cent – Is he a good rapper? I have no idea. However, he hooked up with Chelsea Handler, so I have to include him for that accomplishment.

50 Hard-Boiled Eggs – “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.” One of the great lines in movie history. What does that have to do with eggs? Cool Hand Luke ate 50 hard-boiled eggs to win a bet. Later, the speech was given while he lay crumpled in a ditch.

50 Bonus Points – There is nothing (well, there may be a few things) better than using all of the letters in Scrabble and getting the bonus points.

50 Steals – Ty Cobb stole home a record 50 times. He did that while beating up a man with no hands; investing in Coca-Cola; being a racist; and, spending his days being an all around prick. They claim that he covered for his mother when she shot his father by accident. She was with her lover at the time. Not sure that’s a good enough excuse for a lifetime of degeneration.

1950 – A year of great events. “Peanuts” debuted in American newspapers. Victoria Principal, the hot wife on “Dallas”, was born. “All the King’s Men”, a fictionalized account of Huey Long, won the Academy Award for Best Picture. The game show “Truth or Consequences” debuted. A New Mexico town was later renamed in the show’s honor.

There you have it. A short homage to the number 50 HA HA HA HA

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For the Love of Post Apocalyptic Movies

30 Dec

I love post apocalyptic movies, and I am not sure why. The entire premise involves the destruction of life as we know it and the decimation of the human race….wait, maybe that’s it. The theme invokes a fantasy of solitude that we can never truly reach and also offers a do-over for the mistakes that the human race has made. Many of us are fascinated by this genre, and it just occurred to me that it could be because of a hidden message. Post apocalyptic movies are not just about the end but also about a new beginning. They can also be classified as futuristic westerns (which is my other favorite genre) since they inherently create a new frontier.

But, enough philosophizing about movies and their hidden themes and attractions. Here is the list of my favorite post apocalyptic movies. Like other lists on this blog, there is no particular order.

1. Damnation Alley (1977) – Nuclear war has disrupted the planet’s atmosphere and caused the skies to become a psychedelic ceiling of a disco. Giant bugs roam the desert around a distant military outpost. The survivors build awesome vehicles to move them across the barren landscape to a radio signal coming from Albany, NY.

This film provides cool 1970s special effects and acting. It has George Peppard transitioning from suave (Banacek) to his later roles as a commando (A-Team). It also has two of the great 3-named stars of the 1970s, Jan-Michael Vincent and Jackie Earle Haley.

2. The Omega Man (1971) – Charlton Heston stars as the “last” man on Earth after a virus has killed almost everyone and turned the rest into zombies that are a cross between Hippies and black robe wearing members of the Church of Satan. There is a lot to like about this movie – Heston driving through an abandoned Los Angeles and going to the movies (why would you sit in the dark when that’s where the zombies live?); Heston’s home with a balcony where he can give speeches to the zombies; the hot woman who Heston has sex with before she turns into a zombie (remember, he is that last man – not last human); the ritual/torture scene in the middle of a football stadium; and Anthony Zerbe as the news anchor turned zombie leader.

Will Smith tried to recreate this in “I Am Legend”, but how can you beat those sunglasses?

3. The Postman (1997) – In 2013 (wow, that’s not far off), the United States has collapsed after another Civil War. Kevin Costner roams the land while trying to avoid the militaristic leaders who have taken control of different regions. Think of feudalism of the Middle Ages coming to America. Anyway, Costner stumbles on some mail and begins to deliver it as a way to access fortified towns. Eventually, this becomes a unifying practice that brings hope of a rebuilding government. Feudal lords do not need a rebuilt government, so fighting commences.

The fighting mailman wins and helps repopulate the globe by impregnating another man’s wife. In the end, the United States is back and regular looking people are dedicating a statue to him. In essence, it’s like the end of civilization never happened. I just hope that Tom Petty got to keep his cool house on the dam.

4. Planet of the Apes (1968) – Charlton Heston strikes again as an astronaut that finds himself on a planet of backwardness. The apes can talk and are in charge while humans can’t talk and run around the wilderness. Unfortunately for him, he has a throat injury that hinders his speech for a while, and his surviving space mate has had a lobotomy. When Heston finally talks, the apes are stunned.

Of course, we do not realize that this is post apocalyptic Earth until the very end and the iconic scene of the destroyed Statue of Liberty. It goes to prove that if you are recruited to go on a time shifting space mission, then you should stay at home.

5. Logan’s Run (1976) – Life inside the dome is perfect. Days are filled with leisure, and everyone is attractive. If you want some private time with one of these attractive people, then all you have to do is dial one up on the computer. However, there are some pesky problems – at the age of 30 everyone must take part in Carousel (DEATH), and the ones who try to run from it are tracked down by Sandmen. Clothes (what little of them there are) are color coordinated according to age. Wearing red means your time is running out. Green means you are alright (as you can see).

Sandman Logan is given the task of investigating the rules of society. In the process, the becomes a runner with the damsel above and is chased by his former best friend. During the run, Logan escapes from the domed city and reaches a destroyed Washington, D.C., where he finds an old man living in the Capitol with a bunch of cats (I am sure they are smarter than the cats we have there now.). Logan kills his former friend and returns to the city with the old man, proof that you don’t have to die at 30. But, you can still dial up sex partners if you want.

6. Soylent Green (1973) – This must be Charlton Heston’s “end of the world” period, but I am not sure this qualifies as post apocalyptic. The world is overcrowded and food is at a premium. Only the wealthy can eat steaks and stuff. Everyone else must eat soylent green, which is supposedly made of plankton. Heston is a New York City police officer who embarks on a mystery.

At the end of his investigation, Heston discovers that “SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!”. That’s one way to feed an overcrowded population. Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. And, Edward G. Robinson, in his last movie, commits suicide and presumably gets eaten.

7. Priest (2011) – This is definitely post apocalyptic, but it could be another world. Does that mean it doesn’t count? It still counts on my list. The world has been ravaged by a war between humans and vampires. The humans won by employing Priests, a team of church trained commandos, and vampires are confined to reservations. Now, the vampires are tired of reservation life and are on the rampage. They attack a homestead and kidnap the niece of a war veteran. He, along with a sidekick, go on an epic journey to save his niece (which is really his daughter) and put the vampires back in their place.

It is a typical movie, but as I watched it I got the feeling that I had seen it before. First, “savages” attack a homestead and kidnap a young girl. Second, her uncle, a hardened veteran and old “savage” fighter goes after her. Third, a young sidekick who cares for the girl travels by his side. Fourth, the uncle says he will kill her if she has turned “savage”.

This is “The Searchers” with vampires in the place of Native Americans and the Priest in the place of John Wayne. They took my favorite Western and placed it in a post apocalyptic setting.

There you have it – a short list of my favorite post apocalyptic movies. Some of them are considered classics and some of theme are considered a waste of film, but I found something to like about all of them. There are others that could have been included:

Blade Runner (although I fell asleep watching it)

The Book of Eli (a cheap knock-off of “The Road” before “The Road” could be made into a movie)

Escape from New York (call me Snake)

The Running Man (with an awesome Richard Dawson)

V For Vendetta (Remember the Fifth of November and its connection to Halloween)

Rollerball (JONATHAN! JONATHAN!)

12 Monkeys (watch out for familiar looking guys in airports)

The Road (better than Denzel’s version but not as good as the novel)

But honestly, I got tired of typing. There are so many movies in this genre that I find enjoyable that I couldn’t include them all. What is your favorite movie genre? If you like post apocalyptic stuff, then what are your favorites? And don’t forget, “The Hunger Games” are about to begin.

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