Iconic Memories

20 Apr

I don’t know how many of you are sports fan, but I am one. Well actually, I am a University of Tennessee fan and follow them in just about every sport as one of those sidewalk alumni that has no other connection to the school. My dad brainwashed me at an early age, and I will remain that way from now on.

We Tennessee fans faced a tough prospect today as Pat Summitt, the legendary women’s basketball coach, officially announced her retirement due to the effects of Alzheimer’s, a disease that has in some way affected most of the people reading this. That doesn’t make Pat Summitt different from anyone else who has faced this dreaded disease, but the memories that she has given Tennessee fans does. This isn’t a tribute to her career or legacy. Those have been written by people more qualified than me. This post is about the memories that her time as coach has given me.

The first time I remember seeing the Lady Vols play was when my dad took me to a men’s game. Back then, one ticket could get you into a double-header with the women playing before the men. That was in the early 1980s, but it would not remain that way for long. Eventually, the Lady Vols would play their own schedule with their own tickets. On top of that, their attendance would surpass that of the men’s team.

I saw them play other games through the years. Regular season games in Knoxville. A few regular season games at Vanderbilt. Some SEC tournament games in Chattanooga and Nashville. However, the most memorable game was during the 1998 NCAA Tournament. The Lady Vols came in undefeated and considered one of the great teams of all time, but they were playing a tough North Carolina team to go to the Final Four. With the game taking place at Vanderbilt, I was able to get tickets on the front row for this battle royale, and the following took place.

I sat down with my friend Larry and awaited the start of the game. Then, a blue-haired lady sat next to us. She was obviously a Vanderbilt fan and cringed when she saw the gym fill with people wearing orange. (Sidenote: Vandy and UT fans do not get along.) She looked at my friend and said:

Blue-Haired Lady: How did you get these seats?

My Friend Larry: My buddy got them from a member of the Vanderbilt Board of Trust.

BHL: Who? I’ll have to talk to him.

Then, the governor, wearing a UT cap, walked in front of us.

BHL: Look at the governor wearing that orange hat. I only voted for him because Lamar (Alexander, former governor and current senator) told me to. I won’t do it again.

That’s when I yelled, “Hey, governor!” A typical politician, he acted like he knew me.

BHL: Look at that son of a bitch.

This is when Lamar walks in .

MFL: Ma’am, there’s Lamar. Looks like he’s wearing an orange tie.

BHL: (Grumble) I’m not voting for him again, either.

The game starts, and UT is in trouble. They aren’t playing well, and North Carolina is taking advantage. The blue-haired lady is shaking her North Carolina shaker in Larry’s face and knew that the Lady Vols were going to lose. That’s when Pat jumped the officials and got a questionable call to help turn the game around. As the North Carolina people boo, Larry looks at me and says, “You get those kinds of calls at home.”

BHL: (Growls) I tell you one thing sonny boy. This is not your home.

MFL: (Laughing) Well ma’am, our side of the scoreboard says home.

BHL: You’ll never get seats down here again.

Pat and her ladies won the game and finished the season undefeated, but victories were not always part of the formula. The first time I remember watching the Lady Vols on television was in 1984. My dad and I watched the University of Southern California and the great Cheryl Miller beat Tennessee in the national championship game. It was a time when people believed that Pat Summitt could not win the big game. She finally won a national championship in 1987. Then, she won in 1989. And 1991. And 1996. And 1997. And 1998. And 2007. And 2008. It turns out that she could win the big game. Together, my dad and I watched them all.

People have written about Pat Summitt’s legacy and contributions in numerous areas of sports and society. For me, her legacy is all of the great memories she gave to people like me, my dad, my friends and other Tennessee fans. The tragedy is that a point will come when Pat Summitt, the person responsible for all of this, will not be able to remember what she did and the joy she brought to so many.

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Rockin’ Rotary

19 Apr

Ten years ago, I was accepted into the local Rotary Club. I am not one of the more active members – alas, I will never be asked to serve on the board of directors or be an officer – but I show up at most meetings and pay my dues on time. That’s more than can be said for many members.

Those of us who show up on a consistent basis take part in a meeting format that has been in place for a hundred years. We don’t have secret handshakes or top-secret rituals like the Masons, and we definitely aren’t trying to control the world. However, there are Rotary guidelines (at least I think they are guidelines that all clubs follow) that we adhere to on a weekly basis.

First, we eat. This would probably be my favorite part if the food was any good. We meet at the local country club, and the cuisine leaves a lot to be desired. I understand that it is tough to cook for a large crowd, but there must be some tricks to the trade. The only trick that our kitchen has is mixing things up with cauliflower. We went two years with cauliflower every week. Cauliflower and carrots. Cauliflower and corn. Cauliflower and peas. They must have gotten an extra shipment or something.

The meat is not much better. The meatloaf is a little weird, but you know how meatloaf is – good or bad and no in between. We all look forward to the days of something fried. Everything tastes alright when fried.

After the meal, if you can call it that, the meeting officially starts. We are called to order because there is a lot of banter around the room, and everyone has to stand. Here, we pray and place hands over hearts for the Pledge of Allegiance.

(Sidenote: I have been placing my hand over my heart for the Pledge as long as I can remember. However, I don’t remember this always being the practice for the National Anthem. Politicians get in trouble for not doing it during the song, but I don’t think anyone did it until 9/11. If I am wrong, then let me know.)

We don’t sit down after the Pledge. Instead, we grab the songbooks for a rousing concert of a couple of tunes. It’s usually something like “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad” or “Home on the Range”. Imagine a bunch of grown people singing that. Then, the Sergeant of Arms tells a few jokes and introduces the guests. At one time, we had a pretty hot woman (at least I thought she was pretty hot) serve in this role and tell bawdy jokes. The old men really liked that. But, some preachers complained, and she was asked to stop. Preachers always know how to mess up a good time. She doesn’t come to Rotary anymore.

Once the fun and frivolity is over, it is time for the guest speaker. Sometimes it is interesting, and sometimes it is not. It’s educational, anyway.

So, that’s the short version of a Rotary meeting. Believe me, it seems a lot longer in person. I don’t really see the point of it all, but there is one good thing about it. The conversation during mealtime is always entertaining. You see, Rotary is like church where people sit in the same seat every time. If someone else is sitting there, then upset feelings will no doubt follow. I was raised as a good Baptist, so it is natural for me to sit in the back. That way I can skip out unnoticed. The problem is that my whole table skips out, and it’s noticeable. We are the slacker table in the Rotary mindset but not slackers for real. While others sit around for a couple of hours, we actually get up and go to work. Or, pretend like it.

Our table usually includes a college professor (me), a bread salesman, a convenience store owner, a chiropractor, a lady who used to cook at the country club but is retired (she complains about the food, too), a bank president who works more on his hair than he does at the bank, and a retired veteran who thinks he is funny but really isn’t. We talk local issues but spend most of the time picking on each other.

Folks at other tables include the aforementioned preachers, a body shop owner, one of the Cracker Barrel founders, other people from my school, and people who have been pillars of the community longer than I have been alive.

Overall, I guess I like being in Rotary. The meetings are a little goofy, but tradition often is. Mainly, I like it because I have met a lot of people who I consider friends. However, I haven’t learned to like cauliflower.

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The State of Music – Part 3

17 Apr

Well, we have made it to the long string of states that start with “M”, but I promise that we will get through it and move over to the “N” ones. I must confess that this project has become more tedious than I anticipated. However, I have happened upon some decent performers and songs. Without further adieu, here goes it with the next ten:

Massachusetts – Most remember the Bee Gees from the disco era, but they had a long and fruitful career before delving into that nonsense. One of their better songs was “Massachusetts”, and I choose it for a couple of reasons. One, I like it. Second, the Bee Gees have faced past tragedies and are going through another. Robin Gibb is currently in a coma; Maurice Gibb died almost a decade ago; Andy Gibb, the youngest brother, died in the late 1980s; and Barry Gibb bought Johnny Cash’s home (which is not too far away from me) only to have it destroyed by fire a short time later.

Michigan – This one comes straight from my iPod. I realize that “1823 S. Michigan Ave.” is not really named after the state. But, they name streets after states, so it has to count for something. Besides that, it is a cool tune by Magic Slim.

Minnesota – This one was a little tricky because I really couldn’t find anything. I did find some newspaper articles about how there aren’t many songs about Minnesota. However, I kept on searching and found a not-so-good song by Northern Light called – surprise – “Minnesota”. It’s weird to hear a Beach Boy-ish sound about a place with no beach.

Mississippi – There are a lot of Mississippi songs in a lot of different genres and by a lot of great artists. They range from social commentary to comedy, but I am going with something off the regular path. Mountain recorded “Mississippi Queen” about a prostitute, and, since I have written about the history of prostitution, it seemed fitting. Maybe that should be my next musical project – the best songs about whores.

Missouri – I am going more modern with this pick. Several weeks ago, I saw a David Nail, a new country artist that doesn’t sound very country. That’s the kind of country artist I like. He sang a song named for his home state of “Missouri”.

Montana – There is a herd of cowboy songs about Montana, and, as a historian of the American West, something inside makes me think I should pick one. I am not going to do that, though. Cowboy songs are kind of hokey to me. With that in mind, I choose “Hey Montana” by Eve 6 about a girl who needs to return to the mentioned state. By the way, Montana is one of my all time favorite states, and we are working on a “male family members” only trip this summer.

Nebraska – Known for corn, football and…that’s about it, Nebraska, like many others, has not inspired many songwriters. After a long and wandering search, I found a Josh Rouse singing “Dressed Up Like Nebraska”. It’s a rough video and tough to hear, but the song seems quite good.

Nevada – Las Vegas songs. Reno songs. Even songs about Hoover Dam. There are all kinds of songs about places within Nevada, but there is one excellent song named after Nevada. To preface, I will listen to anything by Mark Knopfler, and he had a record called “Sands of Nevada”.

New Hampshire – Going in, I thought this would be one of the hardest to get. As it turns out, it wasn’t difficult at all because Sonic Youth had a song called “New Hampshire”.

New Jersey – I found out one thing for sure. There are bunches of songs that refer to Jersey. However, I need the Jersey with the New in front of it and have found it with Red House Painters. I didn’t know this group before the state project began, but, when I heard it, I immediately downloaded “New Jersey”.

I am sixty percent into an alphabetized list of states and have used some good songs and some not so good songs. Honestly, I can’t wait to see what I find with the next two installments. To catch up with the states already covered, check out Part 1 and Part 2.

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The State of Music – Part 2

15 Apr

Before continuing on the search for the best (my favorite, anyway) songs with the names of states in their titles, I should say that some of these are already on my iPod. I figure if they are on my iPod, then I must like them somewhat. With that in mind, here we go with the next ten states.

Hawaii – I think Hawaiian music is pretty cool, and I am a big fan of Elvis. So, I thought about going with something from those two groups. Instead, I choose a classic television theme as my favorite Hawaii song. For people growing up in the 1970s, nothing epitomized Hawaii like the “Theme from Hawaii Five-0”.

Idaho – This state did not provide many options. I could have gone with the B-52’s, but they are not to my liking. It turns out that there is something on my iPod that was almost forgotten. From the soundtrack of Robert Altman’s Nashville (I mean, what better topic could there be for a movie.), I picked “My Idaho Home” by Ronee Blakley. Interestingly, Altman had his cast write and perform their own songs. This did not make the music insiders of Nashville happy.

Illinois – There are some cool Blues songs about Illinois due to the Great Migration of African-Americans from the south. With this move, people sought a better life. As a by-product, the Blues moved with them. Despite that history, I found a song by Frank Zappa, “The Illinois Enema Bandit”, that I couldn’t pass up. After all, I feel like there is a guy from Illinois sticking something in my rectum every day.

Indiana – I wonder why there are so many “I” state’s in the midwest. For this “I” state, I went with the criminal-on-the-run story “Indiana Wants Me” by R. Dean Taylor.

Iowa – You learn something new every day. It’s an old saying, but it is true. During this project, I learned that Slipknot is from Iowa, and they honored their state with a 15 minute epic called “Iowa”. It’s a happy story of love and what someone off their rocker might do if he can’t have that love.

Kansas – In Part 1 of this project, I received a comment from the corner of Trask Avenue about my Arizona pick. He suggested “By the Time I Get to Phoenix”, which is an all-time great song. However, it did not have the state name. I replied that I would not use a city name until I had to. Although, there are a bunch of Kansas songs, I am going with “Kansas City Shuffle” by J. Ralph. Reasons? The state name is right there in the city name (not my fault that they weren’t original). Second, I first heard it in a super cool movie, Lucky Number Slevin.

Kentucky – I skipped a chance to go with Elvis once in this post, and I am not doing it again. No list of music is complete without the King. With that in mind, I am moving past Bill Monroe and other Bluegrass greats to choose “Kentucky Rain”.

Louisiana – Man, there are a lot of Louisiana songs, too. From Cajun to Jazz to Country, this states shows up everywhere. However, in the 1960s something strange happened. The British invaders, like Eric Clapton, brought Blues back to popularity in America. They appreciated our music history more than we did. No one loved the Blues more than Eric Burdon and the Animals. One of their best is “Louisiana Blues”, a remake of a Muddy Waters tune.

Maine – This state is famous for lobster, L.L. Bean, and Stephen King. It is not famous for music recorded in its name. The pickings were slim, but I found a good song by Ivory called “Coast of Maine”.

Maryland – Likewise, I had some trouble with Maryland. There is that state song that they always play at the Preakness, but I vowed to stay away from state songs and try to stay with music from at least the past hundred years. After a search for something I would listen to on a regular basis, I found “Maryland Again” by Gerry Goffin.

That’s it for the second ten. If you want to see what happened with the first ten states, then check out Part 1 of the series. Part 3 will be coming soon.

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The State of Music – Part 1

14 Apr

Yesterday, I was told that I am eccentric. When I asked for some examples, I got the following:

I can read for hours at a time. (Is that strange?)

I have no food in my refrigerator. (At least I have a refrigerator.)

Sometimes I like to sit in the dark. (Sometimes lights hurt my eyes.)

Anyway, after three I said that was enough. I suppose that in some people’s opinions I am eccentric, but aren’t we all? After the conversation, I started thinking of things that may make me different from others, and I started wondering if the things I wonder about are the same things other people wonder about. For example, I have always wondered how many songs have the name of my state, Tennessee, in their title. I have searched this but can never find an answer. This is a musical place and has inspired many songs, so it may be an impossible quest.

Instead of just thinking about my state, I began to think about other states as well. Are all states remembered in song? With that in mind, I decided to make a list, and this post in the first installment. I will search for songs with states in their titles and list the ones I like the best. I will try to stay away from official state songs, but that may be impossible. After all, some states have been placed in music a bunch of times while others have been barely used. I will also include a link for people to listen if they like.

If there are some state songs that you like, then tell me about them.

Here are the first ten:

Alabama – Several songs have been written about Alabama, but I am going with Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama”. Recorded as an answer to Neil Young’s “Southern Man”, this song became a classic of the Southern Rock genre.

Alaska – “North to Alaska” was a hit for Johnny Horton in 1960. Included in the movie of the same title, it is a somewhat humorous chronicle of the Alaska Gold Rush.

Arizona – There are a few Arizona songs, but none that I really like. With that in mind, I am going with “Is Anybody Goin’ to San Antone (or Phoenix, Arizona)?” by Charley Pride, one of the few successful African-American performers in country music.

Arkansas – There are quite a few old-timey songs about Arkansas, but I am trying to keep this list in the latter half of the 20th Century. This time we will go with Bruce Springsteen’s “Mary Queen of Arkansas”.

California – This state is included in tons of songs, but on my list there is only one. My favorite song of all time is “Hotel California” by The Eagles. Nothing else even comes close.

Colorado – Alright, I didn’t pick a John Denver song. I know that would be the obvious choice, but sometimes it’s good to not be so obvious. Instead, I chose the aptly titled “Colorado” by The Flying Burrito Brothers.

Connecticut – Man, this was a tough one. This state doesn’t seem to lead to much musical inspiration. Maybe it hard to rhyme something with Connecticut. I finally found a short instrumental by Aerosmith called “I Live in Connecticut”.

Delaware – Another difficult one found me grasping for anything I could get my ears on. I finally discovered that Perry Como recorded a song called “What Did Delaware, Boy?”, which is based on an old joke.

Florida – This is a popular state for tourism and sun, and I thought that would lead to several songs. It didn’t. However, with sun, sand and ocean all around, I figured I might as well go with Mr. Sun-Sand-and-Ocean himself, Jimmy Buffett, and his song “Floridays”. I know the spelling is messed up, but the name is in there somewhere.

Georgia – Now, here is a state with a bushel of songs written about it. It seems like everyone who has ever recorded a song has come up with one about Georgia. With many choices, I have decided on the original version of “Rainy Night in Georgia” by Tony Joe White.

So, twenty percent of the states have been covered. Tune in next time for another ten classic tunes. Remember, if you have some ideas for your state or any other, then please let me know.

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On the Run

13 Apr

It’s been an exciting evening in my neck of the woods. I was having a pleasant visit with my parents when one of their farm hands came to the door and announced that there was a fugitive on the loose. However, I don’t believe he was looking for the one-armed man.

The farm hand lives in a barn on a separate piece of land (Don’t worry, it’s a really nice barn.) and got a call that he needed to lock it up because a man and a woman were running from the police. They had abandoned the roads; taken to the woods; and led the cops on a merry chase through briars and thickets and all sorts of sharp objects. According to the farm hand, the officers were cut up with ripped uniforms. They succeeded in catching the woman, but the man was still on the lam.

However, the farm hand did not arrive at the house of my parents with a warning. He had locked the barn; bush-hogged the field; and then realized that he had locked himself out. He needed my dad to drive to the barn and unlock it. Due to the shakiness of the situation, I stayed with my mom in case the David Janssen wannabe showed up.

This is when my friend, who constantly listens to the scanner, called. What? Doesn’t everyone have a friend that constantly listens to a scanner. He is also an official weather watcher for the National Weather Service. Anyway, he calls to find out what’s happening in our part of town, and I report what I know. Then, he fills in that the pair had robbed a beauty supply store, which is exactly the place I would rob. He confirmed that the police chased them through the briars and thickets and all sorts of sharp objects but added that the cops were not too happy about it.

As this is being posted, the woman is in custody, and the man is still on the run. The police are confident that he will be caught soon because he is being slowed by bags full of shampoo, conditioner, two curling irons and a flat-iron.

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Death by Meeting

11 Apr

I was going to do a little blogging last night, but after sitting in a two-hour meeting listening to my brain cells scream as they jumped to their deaths, I decided that it just wasn’t in me to put fingers to keyboard. On top of that, I had to watch the season finale of Justified, the third greatest show in television history. As you can tell by the title, this post isn’t about the show. It is about the meeting that I had to sit through.

Before my rant, I must say that the people on the committee are good folks. They volunteer their time to help the community, and I commend them for it. I am more of a big idea guy who likes to think stuff up and back away to let someone else do the work. However, there are times when people get focused on the details and forget the big picture. Last night’s meeting was about details and went something like this.

Minutes – You know when people take the time to read the minutes of the last meeting word-for-word that it is going to be along night. Needless to say, we talked about the minutes for a while.

Sunshine Report – This is where announcements are made about people being sick or having other troubles. This is a nice thing to do I suppose. I’m not sure why it is in the regular meeting because these things can be talked about after. But, it was fine except for the lady who talked about her own problems. She is going into the hospital next week and needs our prayers. Something about that makes me feel weird. I’m not sure people should announce their own problems.

Committee Reports – This didn’t take long at all. We talked about buying some heaters for a few minutes. This despite the fact that there is no money. How do I know this? Because the treasurer didn’t show up for the Treasurer’s Report that was supposed to come before the Sunshine Report.

(Oh, I should tell you that the committee oversees a historic village in my town. It’s not really historic because old buildings have been moved there, and new ones that look old have been added to it. I’ve tried to tell them it’s not really historic, but I am only a history professor and really don’t know what I am talking about.)

Controversy arose during this part because of a scheduling conflict. There is a free event and a pay event Saturday. The guy in charge of the pay event was concerned that free people might get in. The chairwoman of the committee got really upset and said the free event has been planned for a year, and the pay event needs to work with it. This is a good time to remind you that we have no money.

Next, the pay event guy talked about his big project – live online streaming of country music from our site. It sounds good, but I don’t trust him. He’s from Australia, but each time he talks I think of the word carpetbagger. He has been talking about this for a year without anything happening. There always seems to be an excuse.

Also, we are building the world’s largest dinner triangle – you know, a thing that people rang on farms to tell field hands that food was ready. It looks like this.

Except, ours is going to be 10 feet on each side.

After this announcement, it was time to talk about acquiring more buildings. Remember, we have no money, so adding buildings is a good idea. Old buildings are expensive to keep up but adding some more shouldn’t be a problem.

One good idea came out of this part of the meeting. We are going to inventory our possessions. I was going to suggest some ways to protect our artifacts, but that’s really not the point I reckon.

Once the committee reports were completed, we moved to Future Projects. They are working on a 25th Anniversary book and want to copy Foxfire. I hope they don’t plagiarise.

Of course, we also talked about the upcoming county fair. We have the largest one in Tennessee don’t you know. Very impressive indeed.

Finally, we got to Unfinished Business, and a local producer of commemorative knives presented the idea of us buying some. We could put our name on the blade and sell them. Unfortunately, buying the knives will cost $16,500, and we have a lot of commemorative stuff that’s been lying around for years. I wonder how much building maintenance we could do for $16,500.

That;s it for the meeting, but I have one more pet peeve. People involved in this village address each other in a strange way. They call people Mr. Joe or Miss Jane – mixing prefix titles with first names. I’m not sure it’s bad, but I think it’s weird.

That was my meeting. When it was over, I was thinking it would have been better to be in a shootout with Raylan or Boyd. You’re probably thinking that also would have been better than reading this post.

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Alterations

10 Apr

As Douglas MacArthur once said, “I have returned!” Although he was returning to the Philippines during World War II, I have returned to Tennessee from an excursion into parts unknown – the same place that a lot of masked wrestlers came from.

As happens a lot when someone is gone for a length of time. I came back to some alterations – not in my real life but in my blog life (which are quickly merging).

As I flew home, I couldn’t wait to open up the Surrounded by Imbeciles portal and see what I have been missing. Imagine my surprise to see a big red/yellow/orange map on a new look Site Stats page. It is a really cool addition, and it was interesting to see not only how many people have been looking in but also where they are located when they look. All this time, I have been thinking that people in a few states have been checking out the blog. In actuality, these blogs go all over the world. Imagine that! It makes me realize how big and impactful the Internet really is. Thank you, fellow Tennessean Al Gore! I know, an old joke that I have used before.

I know you blogging folks have probably been playing around with your maps. I just got into mine and found some interesting stuff. Obviously, the United States sits at the top by a wide margin. I write about the things I know, and most of that is in the United States. It makes me wonder what someone in Gabon thinks about some of my references.

Completing the top five are Australia, Canada, Indonesia and the United Kingdom. Other ones that I find interesting are Jordan, Barbados (because it’s a great island), Turkey, the Russian Federation (I wonder if Putin feels as if he is surrounded by imbeciles.), Malta, Bangladesh and Costa Rica (because, well, I just wanted to mention Costa Rica).

Anyway, I just wanted to get back into blogging mode after some time off and thank WordPress for their cool map. I always say that people should be able to read a map. That bitchy woman who gives you directions from the dashboard just isn’t the same as Rand McNally. I only wish that they could break down the states as well. Although, they may have done that, and I just haven’t figured it out yet. At any rate, it is good to be back in the blog world.

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Looking It Up

3 Apr

The ladies at Book Snobbery have developed a great posting idea by turning their search terms and the search terms of others into haiku that are cleverly written and make me laugh every time. Knowing that I am nowhere near as witty as them, there is no way that I would be a copycat and try the same thing. However, their ingenuity has inspired me to look into my search terms and see how people get to my blog. Some are straightforward; some are funny; and I am thankful for each one of them.

Here are a few of my favorites from the most searched to the least.

ufo crash in town – I wonder what town they live in.

sandhal bergman bondage – This scene was not in Conan the Barbarian, but I wish it was. I bet Ahnold does too.

dylan “leaving for the coast” – Did he go with the sixteen vestal virgins? And, if he did could they understand what he was saying?

elvis presley childhood interests – They included playing guitar and eating fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

cracker barrel artifact painting with muslim woman – Cracker Barrel was founded in my hometown, so I know they have had accusations of being prejudiced. Therefore, I can’t imagine anything there with a muslim woman.

spring semester starts tomorrow and my books aren’t in – Was this a student or a teacher? Either way, I hope they made it work.

when can i find the hangover slot machine in tunica – Right now. I lost a few bills trying to become a member of the wolf pack of one.

american revolution prostitution – George Washington slept here, and so did everyone else.

True story. I was pushed into giving a lecture to the Daughters of the American Revolution about prostitution during the American Revolution. It was me lecturing about sex in front of a bunch of blue-haired ladies. To soften the topic, I used words like camp followers. As I talked, the following conversation took place.

Old Lady in the Back – What’s he talking about?

The Other Old Lady in the Back – He’s talking about camp followers.

OLitB -What?

TOOLitB – Camp followers.

OLitB – What?

TOOLitB – He’s talking about whores.

OLitB- Oh, I understand now.

does everyone wear a cowboy hat in nashville – NO

salma hayek “she kills” – A professional assassin, she also acts a little on the side.

day spa bug problems – I suggest you go to a spa that is not next to a truck stop.

electrawoman vampire – Bram Stoker meets Sid and Marty Krofft.

billy joe mccallister moustache bridge – I wish I had this when I wrote the post about misheard lyrics. Apparently, he threw his electric razor off the bridge. Mystery solved.

vampire winona ryder – She can bite my neck anytime.

acdc dirty deek and the dondo chief – Did someone really hear this? If they did, then did they sing it out loud?

did albert einstein like cheese? – Actually, he was eating string cheese when he developed string theory. Good thing he wasn’t eating squeeze cheese.

has natalie merchant had sex with women – I am not sure, but I will ask her when I see her. Or, maybe I should get a woman to ask.

that you are in fact surrounded by imbeciles – Now, you have come to the right place.

I will be away from the blog for a few days. I hope everyone has a good rest of the week

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Reading for the Road

2 Apr

Once again, I will be going out-of-town this week, but, unlike the quick turnaround to New Orleans, there will be plenty of time to read. However, I don’t want to spend ALL of the time reading and am going to limit myself to one book. These are the four of which I must choose.

The Woman in Black – I saw the movie but have heard that the book is much better. With that in mind, I picked it up at Target. It has all of the qualities of a good travel book – paperback and not very thick.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks – I also got this one at Target but heard of it a long time ago. Henrietta was a African-American woman who attempted to make a living by raising tobacco. Unknown to her, doctors took her cells and have used them through the decades to develop vaccines, map genes and…well, the list goes on and on. Advantages: It’s history and a paperback. Disadvantages: It seems serious for a road reading.

Howard Cosell: The Man, the Myth, and the Transformation of American Sports – As a kid, I couldn’t wait until the Halftime Highlights on Monday Night Football and begged my parents to let me stay up to watch. It wasn’t for the films. It was to hear Howard Cosell. Anyone who watched sports in the 1970s knows what hearing Cosell was like. If his private persona was anywhere near as interesting as his public one, then this will be a good book. Unfortunately, it is a hardback and does not seem very convenient for the road.

Lions of the West: Heroes and Villains of the Westward Expansion – Obviously, this is a history book, but it also covers my area of research. Each chapter chronicles the life of a person important to expansion, and several of them are from Tennessee. I’m not a fan of all of them, but you don’t really have to like someone to read about them. It’s a hardback, so I don’t know.

Decisions. Decisions. Life is full of decisions.

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