Tag Archives: Music

Questions that Keep Me Up at Night

1 Feb

What did Billy Joe McAllister throw off the Tallahatchie Bridge?

Why does Goofy talk, wear clothes and stand upright while Pluto does none of those?

What are the reindeer games?

Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf?

What happened to the Lost Colony of Roanoke?

Who is Tom Doniphon?

What rhymes with orange?

Who’s “so vain”?

What happened to Jimmy Hoffa?

Is there a God?

Where’s Waldo?

If “Star Wars” is the past and “Star Trek” is the future, then what “star” is the present?

What happened to the people on the Mary Celeste?

Who has more money – Richie Rich or Bruce Wayne?

What’s in the case that everyone is after in “Ronin”?

Where in the world is Carmen Santiago?

What happened to D.B. Cooper?

Should I stay, or should I go?

Does the top fall at the end of “Inception”?

Which is better – “Speed Racer” or “Star Blazers”?

What does ke-mo sah-bee mean?

Will Wile E. Coyote ever catch the Roadrunner?

What the cooler superpower – invisibility or x-ray vision?

Who is Wilhelm, and why do movies keep using his scream?

Why do people who believe in reincarnation always claim to have been a famous person?

Brought to You By the Number 50

26 Jan

The “Surrounded by Imbeciles” world hit a milestone yesterday with its 50th post. With that in mind, this installment is dedicated to the number 50 HA HA HA HA!

I never realized until this moment that his name is Count von Count.

50/50 – The chance that I would reach 50 posts when this blogging experiment began.

50 First Dates – Adam Sandler + Drew Barrymore + Groundhog Day = 50 million dead brain cells. Also, when was the last time you saw something about Hawaii without the Israel Kamakawiwo’ole version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” included on the soundtrack. Great song but don’t overdo it.

50 States – Do you know why it’s an even number? Because they had to bring states in two at a time before the Civil War to make sure that the number of free states and slave states was equal.

Hawaii 5-0 – Are you Team Jack Lord or Team Alex O’Loughlin? Honestly, I have never seen an episode of either incarnation. The opening is cool, but I could never get past it.

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover – Actually Paul, there are countless ways to leave your lover, but 50 makes a good round number for a song title. When I was a kid, I could sing the parts like “slip out the back, Jack” and “make a new plan, Stan”. However, as an adult my favorite line is the first – “The problem is all inside your head”, she said to me. Truer words have never been sung. Just ask my ex-girlfriends.

50 Cent – Is he a good rapper? I have no idea. However, he hooked up with Chelsea Handler, so I have to include him for that accomplishment.

50 Hard-Boiled Eggs – “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.” One of the great lines in movie history. What does that have to do with eggs? Cool Hand Luke ate 50 hard-boiled eggs to win a bet. Later, the speech was given while he lay crumpled in a ditch.

50 Bonus Points – There is nothing (well, there may be a few things) better than using all of the letters in Scrabble and getting the bonus points.

50 Steals – Ty Cobb stole home a record 50 times. He did that while beating up a man with no hands; investing in Coca-Cola; being a racist; and, spending his days being an all around prick. They claim that he covered for his mother when she shot his father by accident. She was with her lover at the time. Not sure that’s a good enough excuse for a lifetime of degeneration.

1950 – A year of great events. “Peanuts” debuted in American newspapers. Victoria Principal, the hot wife on “Dallas”, was born. “All the King’s Men”, a fictionalized account of Huey Long, won the Academy Award for Best Picture. The game show “Truth or Consequences” debuted. A New Mexico town was later renamed in the show’s honor.

There you have it. A short homage to the number 50 HA HA HA HA

The Smell of Cape Jasmine

23 Jan

As a historian, I have never been interested in studying the past of my region, the South. I have heard about the Civil War and other aspects of its history all of my life and never really wanted to go behind the scenes of the stories and anecdotes of my childhood. However, this does not mean that I have turned my back on the South. As written in other posts, I have traveled throughout the United States, but I have never considered living anywhere but here. It is my home and everything that is associated with that word. Family. Friends. Familiarity. The “Three F’s” I suppose. I study the West, but I am a child of the South. But, like many others, I am not sure what it means to be a southerner.

Does it mean that I should be ashamed of a heritage of slavery and rebellion? Or, does it mean that I should be proud of a heritage of southern Founding Fathers like Washington and Jefferson? Does it mean that I should be proud of being raised in the Bible Belt? Or, does it mean I should be ashamed to be a native of a region that still argues over teaching the theory of evolution? Before answering those questions, I should explain what being a southerner is all about (at least for me).

It is eating black eyes peas and hog jaw on New Year’s Day for good luck.

It is going to college football games on Saturday’s in the fall.

It is visiting family on Sunday afternoon.

It is watching “Smokey and the Bandit” and realizing that you know a sheriff just like that.

It is going for a ride on a country road.

It is pulling over to pay respects to a passing funeral procession.

It is saying hello to a stranger that you pass on a sidewalk.

It is having a meal of fried chicken and turnip greens.

It is going to the National Walking Horse Celebration and wondering why the federal government won’t leave them alone.

It is being baptized when you are eleven years old because that’s what you are supposed to do.

It is wishing that people in other parts of the country would understand that you are not stupid because you talk differently.

It is thinking that people in New England talk funny.

It is being proud that Blues, Country, Rock ‘n Roll, Southern Rock, Bluegrass, Gospel and just about every other genre of music came from the South.

It is knowing that not all southerners would make this same list because we all don’t fit into the southern stereotype.

Notice that the list does not include driving a pickup truck; hunting or fishing; flying a rebel flag; drinking beer in a field; being a racist; having no teeth or shoes; or handling snakes in church. Of course, there are people who fit those descriptions. Just like there are people all over the country that fit those descriptions (except for maybe the snake handling). I am proud to be from the South and accept its good and bad qualities, but I have never known how to explain that pride. Maybe this post has done it. If not, then I will finish by writing about a song that I have always liked. It is country (which is strange for me), but I feel a connection to it. I will try to explain why.

“Good Ole Boys Like Me” by Don Williams

When I was a kid, Uncle Remus he put me to bed

With a picture of Stonewall Jackson above my head.

Then daddy came in to kiss his little man

With gin on his breath and a Bible in his hand.

He talked about honor and things I should know.

Then, he’d stagger a little as he went out the door.

(Uncle Remus is a collection of stories that were passed down from the days of slavery. They are mostly fables and tales that teach lessons. However, they are racist in the way they present Uncle Remus, a docile African-American man. Disney made a movie based on the stories which has faced a racist backlash as time has passed. I never heard these stories when I was a kid, but I was told plenty of stories along the same lines, namely the story of Little Black Sambo. Despite this experience, I did not grow up to be a racist or a member of the Klan.)

(Stonewall Jackson was a Civil War hero for the confederacy. While most southerners did not have pictures of Civil War officers hanging in their houses, this line aims at the importance many southerners still place on that terrible time in our history. Southerners have tended to forget what the war was about and focus on the fact that the South lost. For generations, this created a sense of inferiority. Of course, the economic conditions didn’t help. I once read an article with the theory that the debacle of the Vietnam War did not affect the South as it did other parts of the nation because the South already knew how it felt not to win.)

(My dad does not drink, but he is very religious. He has been a deacon in the church and complains about why I don’t go. However, this line hits home because I still call him “daddy”. I saw George Carlin (my favorite comedian of all time) in concert, and he made fun of grown southern men using this word. It may be dumb, but we still do it. It is not a childish act but an act of respect. The gin and Bible part is very southern because both play an important role in southern society. Honor is also an important part of southern ideology and society. Heck, that was one of the arguments for the Civil War – the north was challenging southern honor. There is a reason that dueling was legal in the South longer that it was anywhere else. And, it is still important in the South. It isn’t polite to air your dirty laundry in public.)

I can still hear the soft southern winds in the live oak trees.

And those Williams boys, they still mean a lot to me –

Hank and Tennessee.

I guess we’re all gonna be what we’re gonna be.

So, what do you do with good ole boys like me?

(Live oak does not mean that the tree is not dead. This is an iconic tree throughout the South and is the state tree of Georgia. Any picture of an old plantation has live oak’s in it. There is a reason that Twelve Oaks is one of the plantations in “Gone With the Wind”. While this may be a natural symbol of the region, it actually has a varied geography – mountains, river bottoms, swamps, hills.)

(The Williams boys shows the variety that the South has offered to American culture. Hank Williams was a legend in the world of country music and a songwriting genius. Tragically, he drank to excess and died in his 20s, but his music continues to inspire musicians and singers. One of the great writers of the 20th Century, Tennessee Williams provided us with plays and literary works that delve into the psyche and soul. “The Glass Menagerie”. “A Streetcar Named Desire”. “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”. The list goes on and on. The South may have produced rednecks, but it also produced artistic geniuses. These are but two.)

And nothing makes a sound in the night like the wind does.

But you ain’t afraid if you’re washed in the blood like I was.

The smell of cape jasmine through the window screen.

John R. and the Wolfman kept me company

By the light of the radio by my bed

With Thomas Wolfe whispering in my head.

(The wind is blowing now, and it is one of my favorite sounds. However, that is not a southern thing. Being washed in the blood is. Baptism is a rite of passage in this part of the world. It is something that everyone I know was expected to go through. Each denomination has a different way of doing things, but most have similarities. At the end of the church service, the preacher asks for those who want to accept Christ to come to the front. If you feel the spirit, then you go to the front. Once the singing stops, the preachers announces to the congregation that you have made a decision to join the church and asks them to affirm it. At some point, you are baptized. In my church, this meant a full immersion under water. There you go – afterlife insurance. I joined at 11. My dad joined at 5. Neither one of us knew what we were doing, but we were saved nonetheless.)

(Cape Jasmine is a white flower known for its fragrance. It is called Cape because people thought it came from the Cape of Good Hope. It actually originated in Asia. There are all sorts of flowers and plants throughout the South due to the warm climate. Some, such as the Cape Jasmine, have brought beauty and an air of social standing. Lots of flower clubs exist around here for the uppity women of the South. This is probably left over from the days of plantations that fancied themselves as cousins of British aristocracy. Other plants, like cotton and tobacco have brought fortune but also infamy.)

(John R. and the Wolfman are my favorite names in this song. John R. was a Nashville legend as lead disc jockey on WLAC-AM, a clear channel station that reached 28 states. He played rhythm and blues and introduced southern African-American performers to listeners throughout his range. John R. became so popular with African-American audiences that they thought he was African-American as well. Wolfman Jack was a more famous disc jockey and gained this fame on the most powerful signal in North America, XERF-AM out of Ciudad Acuna, Mexico.)

(Thomas Wolfe, from Asheville, North Carolina, was a great southern novelist. I believe he is referenced in this song for his 1940 work, “You Can’t Go Home Again”. Once you have grown and left your surroundings, you can never go by to that “idyllic” lifestyle again. I put idyllic in quotations because once we look back we realize that it was never as good as we imagined. People often talk of the good old days, but they were never that good. Southerners, especially of the white variety, may think times were simpler then, but were they really? Segregation. No air conditioning. Many without electricity. Few well-paying jobs to be found. A great distance between the wealthy and the non-wealthy, both white and black. We can go home again physically, but we can never return intellectually and emotionally.)

When I was a kid I ran with a kid down the street,

And I watched him burn himself up on bourbon and speed.

But, I was smarter than most, and I could choose.

Learned to talk like the man on the six o’clock news.

When I was eighteen lord, I hit the road,

But it really doesn’t matter how far I go.

(Much of this song is more appropriate for the experiences of generations before mine. However, this part remains true to today. Several of the people I grew up with and played with as a child have become town drunks that waste their time in the bars a beer joints around town. I realize this happens all over the world, but I know that they never had aspirations of becoming the “town drunk”. Unlike the song, I didn’t leave. I found opportunity in the area and went with it. That makes me lucky. But, it makes me sad to see people with the same opportunity go down another path.)

So, what was this post? I am not sure myself. It is a defense of a region and a critique of the same region. Maybe it’s like family. I can talk about them all day long, but I’ll defend them if someone else says the same. That’s what being from the South is like. We can talk about each other and realize that we have issues. But, other people had better not join the discussion. Now that I think about it, that’s probably what the people who seceded from the country thought too.

The post is also an excuse to analyze one of my favorite songs (even though it’s country). So, if you made it this far I hope that you learned something. I learned that some questions don’t have answers. So, what do you do with good ole boys like me?

My iPod Has Issues – Part 2

15 Jan

I have had a blog post idea running through my mind all day. But, it late on Saturday night, and I just got in from a night on the town. I am tired and a little buzzed but still feel the need to post. Does that mean I am addicted to blogging now? I reckon there are worse things to be addicted to. At any rate, I am going to put my posting idea on hold and take the lazy blogger’s way out by building on an older post.

A while back, I wrote about how everyone hates my iPod. They think the music is weird and old and don’t understand how I could listen to it all of the time. A common question is, “How do you know what the new music is if you keep listening to this crap?” And, I understand the question. I used to think the very same thing about my parents. How could they listen to that crap all of the time?

I must admit that my girlfriend and her daughter have introduced me to some cool stuff. There is a lot of great music being created these days. But, I still don’t think it compares to my random playlist. In the earlier post, I put my iPod on random and listed the first twenty that popped up. Let’s see what pops up this time and see if you like the list or think my iPod has issues.

1. “Heart of Gold” by Neil Young

2. “Gloria” by Them

3. “Dang Me” by Roger Miller

4. “Happy Anniversary” by Little River Band

5. “Edge of Seventeen” by Stevie Nicks

6. “I Love” by Tom T. Hall

7. “Principles of Lust” by Enigma

8. “Boom Boom” by John Lee Hooker

9. “Good Times” by INXS and Jimmy Barnes

10. “I’m Waiting for the Man” by The Velvet Underground

11. “Voodoo Child” by Jimi Hendrix

12. “Walk This Way” by Run DMC

13. “Who Made Who” by AC/DC

14. “Popcorn” by Hot Butter

15. “19th Nervous Breakdown” by The Rolling Stones

16. “Betty Lou’s Got A New Pair Of Shoes” by John Cafferty and The Beaver Brown Band

17. “Cross the Brazos at Waco” by Billy Walker

18. “You Go to My Head” by Mary Stallings

19. “In Bloom” by Nirvana

20. “Good Time in London” by Big Mama Thornton

Is that weird or what?

Nashville Nights (And Days)

12 Jan

As my last post indicated, I have been lucky enough to travel throughout the United States and struck up conversations with people from all regions and all walks of life. When I speak, they never fail to ask where I am from. I suppose it is due to my southern accent. Although I live in a suburb, I always say Nashville because most everyone knows where that is. Most everyone has a preconceived notion of it as well. Either, everyone here wears cowboy hats and sings, or everyone here wears cowboy hats and watches Hee Haw. Well, there are plenty of people here who have jobs outside of the music industry. Hee Haw hasn’t been on television in decades. And, the only people I see wearing cowboy hats are the tourists.

Obviously, Nashville, nicknamed Music City, is known far and wide for country music and it has been the driving force behind the city for decades. However, there is more to our fair city than that. It is a cosmopolitan city with a thriving scene built around art, dining, and various forms of entertainment that includes all kinds of music. I have written a couple of posts about places to which I have traveled. Now, I want to tell would be travelers what they may find around here.

What Every Tourist Must Do

People come to Nashville to discover the roots of country music and maybe see somebody famous along the way. The quest needs to begin at the Ryman Auditorium, the mother church of country music, where the Grand Ole Opry was broadcast for decades. The radio show made Nashville the country capital of the world, and a backstage tour of the music hall is essential. Behind the Ryman sits a row of Honky Tonks that have become favorite tourist hangouts. This is where you will see the cowboy hats. Each bar is essentially the same with live music and plenty of alcohol. However, Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge is the destination for most. It gained fame as the place where Opry performers spent time between sets. Legend has it that Willie Nelson was so despondent about his singing career that he walked out of Tootsie’s and laid in the middle of the street. There are no famous people there now, but it is a fun place to go.

The performers of the past no longer haunt Tootsie’s, but they can be learned about at the Country Music Hall of Fame, a great museum with priceless artifacts. To find singers in their natural habitat, a trip to Music Row is required. If you are lucky, then you may be able to see someone going in or out of a recording session. More than likely, your sightings will only include some giant statues of nudes. However, I have seen more celebrities at Green Hills Mall, an upscale shopping destination, than anywhere else.

Being a historian, I must mention some locations that do not involve history. Nashville was prominent city long before the music industry existed, and several historic sites reflect this. The first would be the Hermitage, home to President Andrew Jackson. It is a good place to learn about one of our most powerful presidents and of life in the south before the Civil War. A second would be the Belle Meade plantation. Like the Hermitage, it is a pre-Civil War home with a distinction. Every Triple Crown winning horse is descended from a horse on the plantation. Our legislature, in its infinite wisdom, outlawed gambling and drove the thriving thoroughbred industry to Kentucky.

What the Locals Do

Nashville residents like live music as much as tourists do, but it may not be country or at Tootsie’s. There are several options that locals enjoy.

The Bluebird is pseudo-touristy and fun. Songwriters sit in the round; talk about their songs; and play them. Plenty of alcohol is served, but it is more of a classroom atmosphere as talking is not allowed. It is an intimate setting of the true music industry.

Sambuca, in the Gulch, is one of my favorites. A restaurant but more bar, it has a live bands of different genres throughout the week.

Bourbon Street Blues Club sits in Printer’s Alley, an area with a history of underworld mystique. For good blues and fabulous guitar playing, this is a great place to go.

However, the Schermerhorn Symphony Center is my favorite place to listen to music. A state of the art music hall, it is home to the Nashville Symphony and hosts performers, both classical and otherwise, from all over the world.

Of course, Nashville has a lot of watering holes where live music is not played, but they are cool hangouts nonetheless. Many of these are located in Midtown. Losers. Winners. Broadway Brewhouse. South Street. The list goes on and one. Taylor Swift also lives in the area, so a sighting could take place.

Up the street, there are other great hangouts such as Tin Roof and Whiskey Kitchen.

What Locals Do for Non-Music Entertainment

Obviously, man cannot live on music and liquor alone, and Nashville provides other forms of diversion as well. Small art galleries dot the city map, but the Frist Center remains the center of Nashville’s art community. Housed in the old post office, it hosts collections from the best museums in the world. Cheekwood Mansion also hosts artistic and historical collections and currently houses an exhibition of western artifacts from the Buffalo Bill Cody Museum.

Nashville is also home to many parks, the most famous of which is Centennial Park. Created during the city’s centennial celebration, it is home to an exact replica of the Parthenon in Greece. Why is the Parthenon in Nashville? Because the city has another nickname, Athens of the South, due to the number of universities in the area.

However, for a really good time, go to the Belcourt Theater, an old movie house that has been refurbished. It now serves as a viewing room for independent films, documentaries and movie classics. Also, there is a stage for intimate musical performances by some very famous people.

Where the Locals Eat

Visitors to Nashville can always eat at the Hard Rock Cafe, Margaritaville, or Cracker Barrel, which was founded in my hometown. However, to get a true taste of the city people should branch out. The following are a few of my favorites.

Bricktop’s – Americana food with a little flair. It is a great local hangout with a cool bar.

Virago – The best sushi in the city and a porch/bar with a great view of downtown.

Tayst – Serves organic food produced by local farmers. The best dish is the bread pudding made from a Krispy Kreme doughnut.

Rotier’s – Legend says that Jimmy Buffett wrote “Cheeseburger in Paradise” about this place. Enough said.

Pancake Pantry – Nashville’s favorite breakfast spot. Be ready to stand in line.

Eastland Cafe – Americana food with a lot of flair.

I Dream of Weenie – Any kind of hot dog you want served out of a 1960s mini-van.

There you have it – a guide to the Nashville experience from a person who has been around Nashville all of his life. Nashville has changed a lot in my lifetime, and it keeps changing for the better. Everyone is always welcome, and they can even bring their cowboy hats if they want.

Dirty Deeds and Thunder Chief

3 Jan

During my high school days, my friends and I spent a lot of time cruising Main Street. We would swap up driving duties, but the route was always the same. Circle through the Kroger parking lot. Head down Main. Circle through Sonic. Then, head back up Main to Kroger. Along the way, we stopped in parking lots to talk or just talk between cars as we drove. Sometimes, we drove all the way to the town square, but a more redneck crowd hung out there. But, no matter the car or the route, we always had the stereo cranked up.

Our cruising soundtrack could come from the popular stations or cassettes, but it included 70s and 80s gold. Rock was the norm with AC/DC, Aerosmith, KISS, Black Sabbath and Guns n’ Roses. Sometimes, things got lighter with The Eagles, U2, The Police or The Cars. I don’t really believe there is such a thing as the “Good Ol’ Days”, but things were relatively idyllic. They were funny too as we played practical jokes and got into as much mischief as possible. However, nothing was more funny than when I was cruising with my best friend.

I put in an AC/DC greatest hits cassette, and we were rocking out. “Hell’s Bells”. “Highway to Hell”. “Back in Black”. Then, “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” came on, and my buddy started singing, “Dirty deeds and thunder chief.” I must have had a weird look on his face because he suddenly stopped.

What?

Why are you singing Thunder Chief?

That’s what the song says.

No, it doesn’t.

Yeah, it does.

I hit rewind, and we listened again.

See, it says Thunder Chief. It’s about an Indian.

No, it’s not. It’s about dirty deeds that are done dirt cheap.

We argued about it for 30 minutes, and on January 2, 2012 he still thinks the song says Thunder Chief.

I was thinking about this the other day and began to think about songs that I got wrong. Mistaken lyrics have become a popular Internet search, and entire websites are dedicated to the musical misconceptions of people. I realize that some of my mistakes are probably typical, but hopefully they are not too stupid.

1. Rocky Mountain Way by Joe Walsh – This actually came from a conversation with a high school friend. He was an Alabama fan, and I was a Tennessee fan. For those from other parts of the world, these two types of creatures do not mix very well. We had a basketball coach at the time named Don DeVoe that wasn’t very good, and my friend said listen to this:

Out to pasture

Think it’s safe to say

Don Devoe’s been fired.

I thought this was fantastic – a rock legend was a Tennessee fan and agreed with me that our coach needed to be gone. Later, I figured out that the line was:

Out to pasture

Think it’s safe to say

Time to open fire.

2. Blinded By the Light – Manfred Mann’s Earth Band – I know this one is typical because the pronunciation is not very clear when they sing:

Blinded by the light

Wrapped up like a douche

Another runner in the night.

I always thought that was so cool. What a Hell of a thing to say in a song – wrapped up like a douche. Unfortunately for me, it says:

Blinded by the light

Revved up like a deuce

Another runner in the night.

What really makes this one funny is that the line is repeated over and over throughout the song. I still think the first way is better.

3. A Whiter Shade of Pale by Procol Harum – This one isn’t as funny, but it is one of my favorite songs. Therefore, I should know how it does. The line that always messes me up is:

As the miller told his tale,

That her face at first just ghostly

Turned a whiter shade of pale.

I always thought it was “mirror” instead of “miller”. In fact, I think my version is an improvement. Think about her looking in a mirror to see how she looks. It isn’t literally telling her, but it is informing her about how appearance.

So, there are a few of the songs that I have misheard (or improved upon) through the years. I am sure that there are a lot more, but they escape me at the moment. What are some of your favorite misheard lyrics? I would find it interesting to hear.

I Left (Some of) My Money in Tunica, Mississippi

29 Dec

For the past few days, I have been immersed in the entertainment possibilities of Tunica, Mississippi, a place to which I have been traveling with my family and friends for many years. Quite a few people in these parts go to Tunica, but you may not know that it is the gambling capital of the South. It doesn’t have the glamor of Las Vegas or the boardwalk of Atlantic City, but it has all I need to escape from the stress and worries of life – Blackjack tables.

Dominated by cotton and other crops, Tunica County was the poorest area in the state. Then, the Mississippi legislature, ahead of other states, legalized riverboat gambling. Casino owners, wanting access to the growing population of the South, quickly searched for a willing municipal partner, and the leaders of Tunica were eager to take advantage of their vicinity to the Mississippi River. It wasn’t long before casinos and grand hotels were springing from the flat bottom lands. Imagine looking out of your hotel room and seeing cotton fields all around. That is Tunica.

Gambling hit northern Mississippi a few decades ago, and I have visited the area countless times since. Many of the trips have been lost from memory or have blurred together, but the first time always stands out. I went with a bunch of friends, and we spent the first night in Memphis. A member of our group had a friend that we were going to meet up with, and when we met I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She was beautiful with jet black hair and dark eyes. Coincidentally, we had the same last name, and I started to think that will make things simple. We hit the town hard that night and headed the 30 miles south to the casinos the next day. I had just lost quite a bit of money in Las Vegas and began to brag that I was going to win all that back and more. Everybody was telling me that it was impossible and that I needed to shut up. However, she took it further. If I won more than I had lost, then she would take off all of her clothes and let me do a body shot off of her body – on any area I wanted. Game on.

When we walked into the casino, I picked out a Blackjack table and told them to get me there when they were ready to go. The table was packed with fun-loving people. We drank, laughed and gambled. I drank so much that I lost track of what I was betting (not a good idea generally). I was also distracted by the girl sitting next to me – Holly from Hope, Arkansas. We talked and flirted and bumped up against each other all night. She wanted my undivided attention, and I probably should have given it to her. But, I was on a mission. I don’t know how much time passed, but my good friend walked up and said everyone was ready. I said goodbye to Holly and went to the bank to cash in my chips without knowing exactly how much there was. With money in hand, I walked to where the group was sitting and pulled the cash out of my pocket. “Shot Girl” couldn’t believe that I had won double what I lost in Las Vegas. To her credit, she went through with our agreement, and a good time was had by all. Well, maybe not all, but I had a blast.

Through the years, my trips have calmed considerably. I have taken several girlfriends, but they didn’t grasp the enjoyment of gambling. My parents like to go, and I have taken them several times. The most fun was with my uncle. He loved Blackjack as much as me, and we spent many hours sitting at opposite ends of a table trying to break the bank. He passed away last year after a decade-long battle with cancer. Whenever we walked into a casino, he would say, “I’m getting well.”

This trip was just me and my parents. We stayed at Harrah’s and did most of our gambling there. I always start slowly and build up my pace. I played some video poker with my dad while my mom worked the penny slots. Then, I found my own penny machine based on “The Hangover” and won some money. By this time, we were getting hungry and hit Paula Deen’s Buffet. I am sure Paula’s real restaurant is a lot better, but this one is a great place to eat. Plus, gamblers get to eat for free, and it is easy to get into than her original locale – or so I hear. After dinner, I tried my first foray into Blackjack on a $5 table where the players were not too bad (more on that later). The conversation was fine, but I would rather not talk to anyone. The dealer should be a robot and the other players should just play. But, this was a chatty bunch.

I was at my usual 3rd base position (the last player before the dealer), and the guy at 1st base (the first player) was having a difficult time making decisions. On one hand, the guy asked for advice, and another player told him what “The Book” says. For serious Blackjack players, “The Book” is like the Holy Grail, as it charts every situation that you’ll face and tells you the play to make. Before sitting down at a table, I highly encourage you to memorize it. However, players have a love/hate relationship with it. They follow it but complain about it when they lose. The key is to play the percentages and get the best odds on your money while understanding that the house is still the favorite. That’s why they can build big buildings and provide free rooms, food and drinks.

Anyway, the player giving advice said that the only person to make money from the book was the guy who wrote it. It’s a common line with people who lose after making the right play. I hate it.

So, I interjected that I watched a documentary about him man who developed the Blackjack chart. He was a mathematician who was approached by a gambler about helping him win. After a weekend proving his theory worked, the math whiz quit Blackjack and used his formula to gain wealth in the stock market. In return, I received a smart remark about how it must have been a long time ago because nobody makes money in the stock market now. No shit, Sherlock. How long do you think “The Book” has been out? Another thing to remember, don’t try to bring an intelligent conversation to the table.

The next day we decided to get out of the casino for a while and check out the countryside. Most people who go to Tunica think they have actually gone to the city of Tunica, but they haven’t. The casinos sit in the Robinsonville community, and Tunica is several miles down the road. Riding through the city provides clues that the city fathers did not anticipate this. There is a History of Tunica Museum, and the town center has been turned into a park-like area surrounded by shops and small restaurants. Obviously, they expected an influx of tourists that did not show up in the expected numbers. And, the people who do not venture out are missing a lot. Tunica is a nice little town with a beautiful courthouse and interesting things to look at. Also, the Hollywood Cafe is closer to the casinos than Tunica. It was one of the great music clubs where many of the great Blues artists got their start. When Marc Cohn sings “Walking in Memphis”, he includes this line:

Now Murial plays piano

Every Friday at the Hollywood

He is referencing this place. I wonder how many gamblers even know it’s there.

However, a more famous blues place is just south of Tunica on Highway 61. Clarksdale, Mississippi was also one of the great Blues locales, but one with more mysticism. According to legend, it is where Robert Johnson went to the crossroads and sold his soul to the Devil in return for being a great Bluesman. Again, I wonder how many gamblers have ventured that far away from the slot machines.

When I returned to the tables, I realized how bad it can get. I sat at another $5 table and immediately knew that I had made a mistake. No one was playing by “The Book” except me. The man next to me even asked why I was making bad decisions. The guy at 1st base agonized over every decision. This is a bad sign because if someone knows “The Book”, then there is really no tough decision. You just do what you have trained yourself to do. Play the odds instead of hunches. In short, it was terrible, so I got up and went to a $25 table. Most people who are willing to bet a minimum of $25 and probably more know how to play the game. It was wonderful. No delayed decisions. Everything by “The Book”. Splits. Double downs. Fast-paced. I lost $600.

The only person to make money from “The Book” was the guy who wrote it.

“If You Could Read My Mind” There’s No Telling What You Would Find

24 Dec

The other day I caught the ending of “Wonderland”, a movie starring Val Kilmer. It chronicles the life of John Holmes, porn legend, and his possible role in a murder/robbery. The ending is the best part of the movie. Holmes and his girlfriend are parked in the desert discussing the future. He then takes off while the movie tells us what the future held for them and others portrayed in the film. All of that is great, but the best part is that Gordon Lightfoot’s “If You Could Read My Mind” was playing over the scene. This was one of my favorite songs as a kid and like it to this day. I even saw Lightfoot in concert just to hear this one song live.

When I was young, my favorite songs were ones I could visualize. I could see the guy trying to frantically check out of the “Hotel California”. I could also see the car going down Interstate 40 in “By the Time I Get to Phoenix”. However, nothing hit my imagination like “If You Could Read My Mind”. I know that I took things too literally and missed the deeper meanings of the lyrics, but I still can’t listen to these songs without watching the childhood created movie in my head.

Obviously. Lightfoot’s song is about a love that has run its course.

I don’t know where we went wrong

But the feelins’ gone

And I just can’t get it back.

See. he spells it out plainly. But, my child’s imagination focused on other lines.

If I could read your mind love

What a tale your thoughts could tell.

Just like the paperback novel.

The kind that drugstores sell.

I could actually see a woman buying a paperback in a drugstore. Then, there was the part about the movie.

I’d walk away like a movie star

Who gets burned in a three-way script.

Enter number two.

A movie queen to play the scene

Of bringing all the good things out in me.

Again, I could see a movie set where actors are playing the roles that Lightfoot is describing. However. the best part was in the beginning of the song.

Just like an old-time movie

‘Bout a ghost in a wishin’ well.

In a castle dark or a fortress strong

With chains upon my feet,

You know that ghost is me.

And I will never be set free

As long as I’m a ghost you can’t see.

This part was easy to imagine because I had seen exactly what he was describing. I loved watching Abbott and Costello movies, and all of them were basically the same. Abbott played the straight man to Costello’s bumbling character. But, one movie was different. In 1946, they made “The Time of Their Lives”, about star-crossed lovers killed during the American Revolution. Their ghosts are trapped on an estate, specifically to a well, until they can prove their innocence. Each time I heard “If You Could Read My Mind” I thought about Abbott and Costello and the ghost movie that they made.

I have often wondered if this was something I conjured up, or did Gordon Lightfoot use the movie as his inspiration? How weird would it be if a 1940s Abbott and Costello movie led to a hit song about dying love in the 1970s? I have no idea if Lightfoot ever saw the movie, but I like to think that I figured out his secret and was able to read his mind, to paraphrase from the song. If not then I know that this song and others did what good songs are meant to do. They allowed me to enter my imagination and take what I wanted from them. From “If You Could Read My Mind” I took Abbott and Costello; combined them with a woman buying a paperback from a drugstore; and put them all on a movie set to my own made up studio where I was the star.

My iPod Has Issues (Well, maybe it’s me.)

10 Dec

When people listen to my iPod, they immediately make strange faces and want to know why I would listen to something like that. I reply that I have eclectic musical tastes and that I believe that makes me a well-rounded person. They look at me like I’m some kind of idiot, but they can’t help but explore its deep recesses. That’s when I am usually told that they would rather just listen to the radio.

I understand that I am weird when it comes to music. I am part OCD and part schizophrenic. For example, I bought “Rolling Stone: 500 Greatest Songs of All Time” and became obsessed with having each song on my iPod. I don’t necessarily agree with the list, and it seems a little self-serving. After all, “Like a ROLLING STONE” by Bob Dylan is #1. “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” by The ROLLING STONES is #2. There is no way that two songs that include the name of the magazine should rank as the top two. Surely, there are tunes more deserving that include the names of another magazine.

Despite my disagreement with the list, I simply had to put the songs on my iPod. I already had a bunch, but I am currently on #445, “I Wanna Be Your Dog” by The Stooges. I figured it was financially prudent to download them slowly, so it has taken a while to get through it. This means that I have a lot of songs that I don’t particularly like, but I am learning some cool info and expanding my musical palette.

Therefore, while my tastes are schizophrenic the 500 Project causes the list to be more eclectic than it would naturally be. When I explain that nobody understands. In fact, they think downloading all of those songs is totally off the wall. Unfortunately, putting the iPod on random often proves them correct. Let’s try it and see. I will randomize the iPod and list the first 20 songs it plays.

1. “I Walk the Line” by Johnny Cash

2. “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel

3. “Wild Night” by Van Morrison

4. “Setting Sun” by The Chemical Brothers

5. “Get Back” by The Beatles

6. “Theme from Truck Turner” by Isaac Hayes

7. “When Doves Cry” by Prince

8. “Wonderful Remark” by Van Morrison

9. “Walk Away Renee” by The Left Banke

10. “Dancing With Myself” by Billy Idol

11. “Blow On ‘Em Baby” by Stacy Mitchhart

12. “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” by Elton John and Kiki Dee

13. “Streets of Bakersfield” by Dwight Yoakam and Buck Owens

14. “River Deep, Mountain High” by Ike and Tina Turner

15. “Sugar Vols – 1985” by John Ward

16. “Star Trek Theme” by Alexander Courage

17. “The Final Countdown” by Europe

18. “Josephine” by Snooks Eaglin

19. “Osborne Interview (The History of Rocky Top)” by The Osborne Brothers

20. “Welcome to My World” by Jim Reeves

So, there is a small sampling of the 2,809 songs on my iPod. That 20 would force my girlfriend to jump out of my moving car.

In an attempt to get away from the randomness of it all, my musical guests limit their exposure by surfing my playlists. Their attitudes don’t get much better. My playlists are titled:

1. For God’s Sake – a list of religious themed songs (weird since I don’t believe in God. That is another subject for another post.)

2. Gridiron – a list of football based music and dialogue

3. Laugh Track – a list of comedy routines

4. Location Location Location – a list of songs with place names in their titles

5. Metal Shop – a list of hard rock and metal songs

6. Print The Legend – a list of songs from western movies or with western themes

7. Psyche Out – a list of songs that just sound weird

8. Something Wicked – a list of songs about Satan, Hell or anything in connection with them

9. Soul Train – a list of soul songs

10. Tennessee – a list of songs about my home state (You would be surprised how many there are.)

11. What’s In A Name? – a list of songs with a person’s name in the title

See. that’s pretty OCD and schizophrenic at the same time. What does your iPod sound like? Does it belong in the mental ward too?

Guns ‘n Roses in Nashville

5 Dec

Axl Rose came to town last night with a band called Guns ‘n Roses. I bought the tickets with trepidation for a few reasons. First, it’s not really Guns ‘n Roses without Slash, but I saw Slash open for Ozzy Osbourne earlier in the year. Maybe seeing two separate halves makes a whole. Second, I bought tickets to see Guns ‘n Roses several years ago, and the concert got cancelled. Axl has been famous for his temperamental behavior when it comes to performing and buying tickets is like playing the lottery. With those things in mind, I bought the tickets anyway. I am a product of the 80s and an avid concert goer, so I concluded that it just had to be done.

My girlfriend and I met up with some friends for dinner and headed to the show that was listed to begin at 7:30. My friends were decked out in their Black Label Society gear and were fired up to see the opening act. Zakk Wylde is a helluva guitarist, and I was looking forward to see him as well. Just not as fired up as them. I have seen Black Label Society once at Ozzfest, and they have traveled throughout the nation as Society members. It was during dinner and the walk over that my girlfriend began to worry about the time she was going to have. She likes country, ugh, and any singer that wears a cowboy hat. But she was in it now.

It turns out that the musical style was not what she needed to worry about. We got to the venue at 7:25 and waited TWO HOURS for the concert to start. Apparently, Axl is still a flake when it comes to the fans. In his prime years, Axl would show up late or not at all. Now that he has reached his waning years of stardom, it seems that he continues with this behavior. Axl needs to realize that his fans from the 1980s are now in their 40s and have real jobs and responsibilities. They can’t hang out until 2am on a work night while he lounges backstage playing the role of a rock star. While the years since his greatest fame should have humbled him, Axl is still the diva he always was.

Before I go further, I need you to understand that I am no prude when it comes to concerts. I have lost count of the number I have attended in all genres possible. But, waiting TWO HOURS for a show to start is fucked up. I’ve never seen it happen before. Keeping it within Axl’s musical form, I have seen Metallica (multiple times), Aerosmith (multiple times), Godsmack, Ozzy Osbourne, Rob Zombie, Alice Cooper, Judas Priest, Motley Crue, KISS, Velvet Revolver (which was Guns ‘n Roses without Axl), and a bunch of others that I can’t remember at the moment. None of them were two hours late because they value their fans and the money they spent to see them.

At 9:30, Black Label Society hopped on stage and put on a great show. Zakk Wylde threw down the gauntlet to any guitarists who want to challenge him. They turned the volume up to 11 and ripped the knob off. My girlfriend even liked it. If this had been strictly a Black Label Society concert, then it would have been great.

During the stage setup for Guns ‘n Roses, my friend texted to say that he heard before the show that Guns ‘n Roses was going to play from 11pm to 2am. Seriously? On a Sunday night, they are going to play that late? I knew then that there was no way that I was going to be able to see the entire show although I had bought an entire ticket. I fixed in my mind that we would leave at midnight.

Just as the text read, Axl hit the stage at 11pm and proceeded to sing a bunch of songs that nobody knows. They were rockin’ and, he still had his voice and moves. But, people came to hear the hits. I understand that performers like to produce new material because it makes them feel like artists. However, older performers who have seen their prime pass by should understand that people want to hear the good stuff. When I saw Elton John, he called it the jukebox. Before he played the new songs, he realized that people came to hear something else and promised that it would happen. I am sure it gets old playing the same things over and over, but that is what pays the bills and keeps the people coming. It certainly isn’t anything off Chinese Democracy. In the first hour (the only hour we saw), Axl sang three recognizable songs, “Welcome to the Jungle”, “Live and Let Die” and “Civil War”. The highlight of the hour came when Axl left the stage and his guitarists put a new spin on the James Bond theme. Naturally, “Live and Let Die” came after that.

Needless to say, I was not happy about how things went. I have no idea what happened after we left. Did they play until 2am? Did they play “Paradise City” or “November Rain”? If the show had started anywhere close to the announced time I would know. Instead, I have now seen Axl Rose and the fake Guns ‘n Roses. Without a doubt, Slash is a better and more appreciative entertainer.