Archive | June, 2012

109 in the Shade

29 Jun

The thermometer on my car registered 109 degrees a few minutes ago. As the old folks around here say, it’s hotter than blazes, with blazes being the Bible Belt term for Hell.

It’s hot in the South during this time of year, but this is way out of the norm. Add the fact that it has barely rained in a month, and things are getting a little parched. Local boy, Al Gore, must be jumping for joy. With the mercury hitting 109, I figured it would be a good opportunity to honor that important number. So, here are all things One Zero Nine.

109 – the atomic number for meitnerium. However, I am not scientifically-minded enough to tell you what meitnerium is.

Highway 109 – a state highway that runs from the Tennessee/Kentucky border to my town. Along the way, it passes through such places as Portland and Gallatin. Once, I went on a date with a girl who lived on this road, but she wouldn’t return my calls afterward. I wonder what happened.

109 Department Store – a shopping destination in Japan that was designed to attract 30-something females. Instead, it became a haven for those in the Gyaru subculture. I don’t know what that is, so I Google-imaged it. Looks like girls trying to be living Anime characters.

Starbase 109 – I am not sure how to describe this, so you might want to check it out here.

109th Congress – This bunch, led by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, was known as the “Do Nothing Congress”. Damn, I wish the Washington crowd would start doing nothing again. An inactive politician is a lot better than a proactive one. That way they can’t mess anything up.

109 AD – Kush was under the rule of King Teqerideamani.

109 BC – Spartacus – leader of rebel slaves; inspiration for a Kirk Douglas movie; inspiration for a cool television show with lots of sex and violence – was born.

That’s it. Hopefully, the temperature hasn’t climbed as I have been writing this.

Gambling in Another World

29 Jun

I love everything about casinos. The lights and sounds of the slot machines. The yells as people win at the Craps tables. The feel of the felt under my fingers as I sit at the Blackjack table. The thrill of putting chips in the circle and anticipating the cards. The cocktail waitresses who deliver free drinks. I love it all.

When I tell people about going to a casino, they automatically think of glamor, and the things I just mentioned could, I suppose, be considered glamorous. In Las Vegas, they definitely are. The cocktail waitresses are hot. People are dressed their best and ready for action. After all, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I bet Monte Carlo is more glamorous than that. I mean anywhere James Bond gambles must be cool.

I say all of this because I just returned from a gambling junket to Tunica. It has the same slot machines, Craps tables and Black jack tables and would like for you to think that it has the glamor to go with those things. Just check out one of the promotional photos.

Everyone is dressed up, smiling and attractive. However, that is not exactly how it is. Some people look like they have slept in their clothes, and others have no idea how to dress. I saw one man wearing flip-flops, shorts and a blazer. Also, it seems that every Southeastern Conference school is represented by a cap or a t-shirt. Now, I have plenty of that gear as well, but I try not to wear it all the time.

I reckon the best way to describe the fashion of Tunica is to describe one of my Blackjack sessions. I was sitting with a wanna be Hip Hop king when a man wearing overalls and a “South Shall Rise Again” t-shirt sat down. He pulled $6,000 in cash out of his bib pocket and played $2,000 a hand. After three hands, he was done; stood up; said, “Fuck this.”; and left. In Vegas, you will see large amounts of cash but not a “South Shall Rise Again” t-shirt. That’s the difference.

Soon, I left the table and walked around the casino and figured this must be what the scene looks like in Lourdes. Everywhere, people were using canes, walkers, wheelchairs and scooters. It’s as if the disabled go to Tunica for the healing waters or the miracles of the Poker Slots.

After scanning the scene, I eased over to the bar for a drink and a bit of reflection. As I considered my surroundings, I was reminded of a place I saw in my childhood and realized that I had stumbled into a similar world. It was a place with lively entertainment and a variety of characters. I wasn’t really in Tunica. I was here. Except, there was no live band. These beings were rocking out to the best of the 80s.

The next day, I changed venues and went to a smaller casino. I had not been there in a long time because it always gave me a weird vibe, and that vibe returned as soon as I walked in. Are you a fan of Star Trek: The Next Generation? If you are, then you may remember an episode where Riker, Worf and Data find themselves in a casino on a distant planet. It was built by aliens for an astronaut who was stranded in space. The episode was The Royale and the trio was trapped in a cramped casino with eccentric characters.

That’s the way I feel when I walk into this particular casino, and this trip did not disappoint. There was one Blackjack table in operation, and it had two people playing. I sat down to play, and they wanted to have a conversation. One was a woman who looked like Elvira if she was addicted to meth and Krisy Kreme donuts. Doing her best to flirt, she asked me what I did for a living. I told the truth and said that I was a history professor. Thankfully, she said that history was boring.

Unfortunately, the other player thought it was interested. He was a man wearing an oxygen tank who had traced his family’s lineage. In short, he was a history buff and was convinced that I was interested in his family history. I didn’t stay long.

With all of that being said, I came home with more money than I left with, and I suppose that is the point. If you ever go to Tunica just don’t expect the glamor of other gambling destinations. And, watch out for what may be happening in the corner.

Completing the Pink Circle

24 Jun

In 1994, I saw Pink Floyd at the football stadium of Vanderbilt University. I had been to concerts before, but this was an entirely new experience. Hours before the concert, people tailgated with buffets of food, drink and an assortment of hallucinogenics. It was a circus that my friend and I bounced through like kids in a candy store.

Once we entered the stadium, we found our seats in front of the stage. It was during the time that you actually had to go to the music store and stand in line for tickets. Luckily, we were able to be at the front of the line. The crowd buzzed as the stage towered in front of us. It was my first stadium concert, and I could not believe the enormity of it all. Then, the show started.

I am not sure if it was the music, the lights or the libations, but the show was magical. All of the great songs were played as giant pigs danced over the stage and the huge disco ball made the stadium sparkle. We were emersed in the guitar solos and the enigmatic lyrics. I don’t have the vocabulary to describe the evening, but I walked out of the stadium having seen the best concert of my life.

Since 1994, I have been to more concerts than I can remember. It is hard to describe my musical tastes, so I will do it this way. I once saw Luciano Pavarotti and AC/DC in the same building during the same week. In short, I will go to any concert (including last night’s performance by Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw). I am a concert junkie. Each time, I get the same feelings – the anticipating the concert as it grows closer; the drive to the venue; merging with the crowd as people walk in the same direction; standing in line to enter the building; feeling the buzz of the crowd as people walk through the concourse; seeing the stage for the first time as I find my seats; standing as the lights go down and the show is about to begin. The entire experience gets me jazzed up.

However, my feelings do not stay that way. While performances have their high points, it does not sustain me for the entire show. There becomes a lull when I wind down and begin to wonder when it will be over. I have seen legends and people who have been forgotten, but not one of them has provided me with the feeling I got from Pink Floyd. Each time I leave a concert, I am glad that I went but am unfulfilled just the same.

However, this week something strange happened. I went to a concert that I was truly excited to see. I felt all of the things that I describe above. Except, this time the feeling did not go away, and the concert lived up to everything that I hoped.

Roger Waters performed The Wall, a concert that I have always wanted to see. For those who do not know, Rogers Waters was an original member of Pink Floyd, and The Wall was one of their landmark albums. He had split from them by the time the 1994 concert took place but has continued to perform some of the same music.

The concert was an orgy of sound, lights and imagery as the crew built the giant wall across the stage to have it collapse at the end. Songs like “Comfortably Numb” and “Another Brick in the Wall” had me on my feet the entire time. Once again, I do not have the vocabulary to describe the show, but I left the arena realizing that I had been to the best concert of my life. After 18 years, I completed the Pink circle and saw all of the surviving members of the band.

As we walked out, I replayed the concert in my mind before a quick reminder brought me back to earth. The concert was very political, and, while I usually don’t like politics mixed with my entertainment, I knew going in that would be the case. Waters created an entire concert around the fact that money should be spent to fight hunger rather than fight armies. It is a noble sentiment.

However, as we walked out, a handicapped man had a cooler and was yelling, “Water and cold drinks for a dollar.” For those in other parts of the world, “cold drinks” is the southern term for pop or soda. When we declined, he said, “Remember what you paid inside.”

That’s when my buzz went away. How can a performer denounce wasted money that could go for hunger when tickets to his show cost $250 a piece and a beer cost $7? I wasn’t sure, so I went back and bought a dollar water but paid $5. That’s when the buzz returned.

Movie Wisdom – Kevin Costner Edition

23 Jun

Welcome to the continuing series providing movie quotes to live by. Previously, we have delved into the classic works of Burt Reynolds and Don Knotts. This post focuses on the films of Kevin Costner. Remember, these are movies that must star the mentioned performer and that I have seen.

From Silverado

“A grown man can’t have a little boy with him everywhere he goes.”

“I’m a great believer in doin’ nothin’.”

“The world is what you make of it, friend. If it doesn’t fit you make alterations.”

From The Untouchables

“Never stop fighting ’til the fight is done.”

“If you’re afraid of getting a rotten apple don’t go to the barrel. Get it off the tree.”

From Bull Durham

“The world is made for people who aren’t cursed with self-awareness.”

From Field of Dreams

“We just don’t realize life’s most significant moments while they’re happening.”

From Dances With Wolves

“Of all the trails in this life, there is one that matters most. It is the trail of a true human being.”

From Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

“There are no perfect men in the world, only perfect intentions.”

From Wyatt Earp

“I think the secret old Mr. Death is holding is that it’s better for some of us on the other side.”

“Nothing counts so much as blood. The rest are just strangers.”

From Tin Cup

“Greatness courts failure.”

“Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.”

“There’s no such thing as semi-platonic.”

From The Postman

“Wouldn’t it be great if wars could be fought just by the assholes who started them?”

From For Love of the Game

“A lot of little bottles makes a big bottle.”

From Dragonfly

“Death is like being pregnant. You either are, or you’re not.”

From Open Range

“Man’s got a right to protect his property and his life.”

“A man’s trust is a valuable thing. You don’t want to lose it for a handful of cards.”

“It’s a shame to go forever without takin’ a taste of somethin’.”

From Mr. Brooks

“You always want to invest in things people can’t do without.”

You Sank My Battleship

20 Jun

This morning I had an appointment to get waxed (don’t ask) and found myself in an interesting conversation with my waxer. For me, talking during a waxing is essential because it gets my mind off of the feeling that I am being flayed alive. Anyway, we talked about all kinds of things, including the Roger Waters concert I attended last night. I will blog about it later, but he performed The Wall album in its entirety.

The conversation then ventured into her recent trip to Hawaii. She told me all about it. How she didn’t eat poi at the luau because it looked gross. How people looked at her funny when she ordered sweet tea. It all sounded bad, so I asked her what she liked about the trip. I smiled through the pain as she said that the best part was going to Pearl Harbor and touring the USS Missouri.

I couldn’t believe she said this because Pearl Harbor is one of my favorite historic sites. Everyone should visit it if they get the chance. The USS Missouri, while not at the base during the attack, is docked as a museum because of its role in World War II. Upon its decks, representatives of the Empire of Japan officially surrendered and ended World War II.

The last battleship to be built by the United States, the USS Missouri also saw action in the Korean War and after being recommissioned and modernized saw action in the Gulf War of the 1990s.

All of this was running through my mind when I asked my waxer what she liked about touring the ship. She stated excitedly:

“The most interesting thing was that was where Cher filmed the video of “If I Could Turn Back Time”. They even showed us which gun she sat on. The tour guide said that everybody wants to see that gun.”

The historian side of me wept.

Deadaroo

18 Jun

Last weekend, my state hosted Bonnaro, the music festival that has become a destination for those looking for a good time and good music. They have a wide variety of acts, and I have often said that I would like to go if I could fly in on a helicopter for a few hours. Listening to music would be awesome, but I am too well into my years to be hanging out in a field without a hot shower.

After reading a lot of blogs and tweets about Bonaroo, I began to think about what performers I would like to see at a festival. Then, I took it a little further. What performers have I never seen live but would like to see? Then, with an idea string going, I began to think about the performers I would like to see live but never will because they are, well, not live. They are dead.

After coming up with a list of dead performers that I wished I had seen, I came up with my own music festival fantasy -Deadaroo. These are not zombie versions of famous people. This is a collection of people in their primes. This is a music festival of some of my favorites at the top of their game.

The following is a list of acts; the stage where they will perform; and, the thing I would most want to see them do (with links).

Appearing on the “Knockin’ ‘Em Dead” Comedy Stage:

Jerry Clower, the Mouth of the South, telling his greatest stories, including A Coon Huntin’ Story.

Rodney Dangerfield with his self-deprecating routine and trademark line, “I get no respect.”

Jackie Gleason, famous for television and movies, was also great at stand up comedy and was known for the signature line,”How sweet it is.” The video is from The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast (begin watching at 5:03).

The Rat Pack, consisting of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr., and others, brings their Vegas act to the stage.

Scheduled for the “Dead Zone” Music Stage:

Big Joe Turner, early R&B and Rock and Roll pioneer, performing his hits, including “Shake, Rattle and Roll“.

Jim Croce, folk singer extraordinaire, singing “I Got a Name” and the rest of his classics.

Waylon Jennings, one of the original Outlaws of country music, with a passel of hits including “Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys“.

Johnny Cash – the Man in Black, the legend, and someone I actually met – singing songs that span decades but ending with one of the early ones, “Folsom Prison Blues“.

Sam Cooke, paragon of R&B and Soul, bringing his best and “Bring It On Home to Me“.

As the finale, THE country legend known to many as Luke the Drifter, Hank Williams singing “Hey Good Lookin’” and many more classic songs.

At “Rock in Pieces”, the main stage, Deadaroo brings you:

Isaac Hayes, Black Moses of 70s Soul, with his Academy Award winning theme, “Shaft“.

James Brown, the Hardest Working Man in Show Business, performs all of his hits, including “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag“.

Stevie Ray Vaughan, one of the greatest bluesmen ever, breaks out his guitar and plays “Mary Had a Little Lamb“.

The Reggae man himself, Bob Marley, straight from Jamaica with songs such as “No Woman No Cry“.

Ray Charles, genius and master of all musical genres, performs songs known to all and promises to stoke the crowd with “What’d I Say“.

Who could top those legends? Who is worthy to close the show of such greatness? Jimi Hendrix, the greatest guitar player of them all, as he electrifies Deadaroo with “Purple Haze” and other songs of psychedelic form.

That’s Deadaroo. The End

History in the Buff

15 Jun

I started teaching history a little over ten years ago and have found out something in the intervening years. People want to talk to me about history. In and of itself, that is not a bad thing. It thrills me that people like history and want to discuss it, and I am happy to have a job that people find interesting. After all, I can’t imagine a plumber constantly being asked about fitting pipes or an accountant being asked about ledgers.

However, there is another side to the “let’s talk about history” coin, and I know it before it actually happens. It always begins with a question:

“You are a history buff aren’t you?”

Well, I’m not really a history buff. I am more like a historian, someone who makes their living studying history and providing that information to others. That question always leads to the next one:

“Can you tell me the real story about (fill in the blank)?

When this question comes out of their mouth, I know that I am in a real bind. You see, they don’t want to hear what I think or know. They want me to reinforce what they think they know. Invariably, I have to ask myself a few more questions:

“Do I tell them what the latest research says?” Or,:

“Do I let them continue to think what they want because I am not going to change their mind anyway?”

They are the true history buffs, and they can fall into several categories.

Civil War Buffs – In these parts, this is the worst bunch to deal with. They can be the Sons of Confederate Veterans, the Daughters of the Confederacy, or just someone who is obsessed with the Civil War. I can promise you that they know more about the actual “war” than I do. They know regiments, weapons, troop movements, generals, the names of the horses of generals, and a lot more minute information. There is no way I can talk to them about that stuff. Fortunately, or unfortunately, that is not what they ask about. The question is always:

“What was the Civil War really about?”

This is a no win situation. They have convinced themselves that it is about state rights, and have conveniently left out the part about states having the right to keep slavery legal. It was also about the need to spread slavery into the western territories. In short, it was all about slavery, but I can talk until I am blue in the face and they will not have their minds changed.

A few years ago, a member of the local chapter of the Sons of Confederate Veterans offered our department a sizable donation if we taught the Civil War the “right” way. We turned it down.

Old West Buffs – This category covers several groups: people who like westerns; people who compete in rodeos; people who live in the West; people who wear cowboy hats and cowboy boots. It goes on and on. However, I will use a conversation I had with a Montana rancher to illustrate my point.

Through the years, the rancher has bought cattle from my dad and invited us to see his place. It was a cool experience, but I knew I was in trouble when he found out that I was a historian of the West. I tried to stick with the fun stuff, but he asked:

“What do you think about the way things went with the Indians? Look at them. They don’t work, and they stay drunk. Useless.”

Now, how am I suppose to answer that? I am sitting at a table full of Montana ranchers who make their living off of land that Native Americans were run off from. For all I knew, their ancestors could have fought each other. Was I supposed to say that Native Americans got the biggest screwing ever? Was I supposed to say that they would be drunk too if someone took everything away from them?

I played politician and stayed away from a straight answer. After all, these are people who still believe in the myth of Custer’s Last Stand.

People who play cowboy in the east are almost as bad. They want to hear about the lone cowboy riding across the prairie and living a lifestyle of freedom. They don’t want to hear that it was a job for people who couldn’t anything else. They definitely don’t want to hear that a great many were minorities. And, they would flip upon hearing that cowboys on the trail sometimes found sexual comfort with each other.

Instead, I tell them that it is hard to be a real cowboy without any cows.

Antique Buffs – A lot of people, including old ladies, love to collect antiques. That’s great for them and the pieces they collect. It allows them to hold on to a physical piece of nostalgia, and it protects objects that would otherwise be lost. However, that doesn’t mean I am interested in their collection of dishes.

When an antique person (in interest, not age) finds out my job, they immediately start in with:

“Oh, I should show you my collection. I’m sure you would find it interesting.”

Actually, I wouldn’t.

Old House Buffs – This group is closely related to the prior group. In fact, I could have put them together. These are people who either live in an old home or are involved in the protection of an old home. Now, this is a noble cause because older homes should be protected. I wouldn’t live in one, but I am glad other people do. However, just because a home is old does not mean that it is historic.

Last year, I spoke at a meeting of a group that protects an old home in Nashville. They were nice people who listened intently, but when I was finished they just wanted to talk about how important this place was. Others showed off the work they had been doing on the old places they lived in. I am not an expert on historic preservation and could not do anything except show feigned interest. However, I know that just because a place is old does not mean it is important.

Local History Buffs – These are great people who work in archives and libraries and provide a wealth of information for researchers. However, they tend to place more importance on their local history than is realistic. Not every town has an interesting story to tell or has enough interest to attract tourists. A lot of place have that, but most do not. I am happy that it interests you, but it does not interest me (unless they had a local whorehouse).

For example, my town has pumped up a Civil War battle that was not much bigger than a bar brawl. A sign has been installed to commemorate the event, but the Sons of Confederate Veterans got mad because the map was wrong. Apparently, it had the bar on the wrong side of the square.

Now that I have ranted about people interested in history, I will finish by saying that it is better than the opposite – people who know absolutely nothing. Several years ago, I had the following conversation with a local official. It took place during a meeting about drawing tourism into our community. She began with:

“I don’t see how we can draw people here. We don’t have any history.”

“What do you mean we don’t have any history? We have a university that was founded in 1842 and educated a winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. We have the homes of three governors. We have a home that Paul McCartney used to live in. We are the home of Cracker Barrel. We have all kinds of things.”

“Well, we don’t have a presidential home like Nashville does.”

“There have only been 40-something presidents. No many counties have one of those. You go with what you have.”

“Well, I say we don’t have anything.”

With that in mind, if you fit in one of the categories that I bitched about above. I will give you this. At least you have something.

Lou Gehrig, the Babe and a Girl Named Jackie

13 Jun

Did you know that a girl from Chattanooga, Tennessee struck out Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth? In 1931, Jackie Mitchel, a seventeen year old hurler, signed a minor league contract with the Chattanooga Lookouts. A few days later, the New York Yankees arrived in town to play an exhibition game.

After seeing the starting pitcher struggle, the manager put Mitchell into the game, and she struck out the first batter she faced on four pitches. That batter was Babe Ruth. She struck out the next hitter, Lou Gehrig, on three pitches. Although the Yankees won the game, the story of the female pitcher who struck out the two legends dominated the headlines.

When Kennesaw Mountain Landis, commissioner of baseball, heard the news, he immediately voided Mitchell’s contract. His excuse was that baseball was too strenuous for women to participate.

Movie Wisdom – Don Knotts Edition

12 Jun

Before proceeding, I have an important announcement to make. The “Mystery Reader”, who spiked my View statistics a few days ago, has been found. She is one of the cool librarians on our campus and has a great blog of her own. So, head over and check it out.

Now, to our regularly scheduled blog post, a continuation of my goal to find words of wisdom in movies that star certain people. To read the rules that I placed upon myself, you may want to skim through the last Movie Wisdom post. This one delves into the cinema classics of Don Knotts, one of my all time favorites. He is best known for The Andy Griffith Show and Three’s Company but starred in several movies as well. Without further delay, here is the wisdom within the works of Don Knotts.

From It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

“Everybody pays taxes! Even businessmen, who rob and cheat and steal from people every day. Even, they have to pay taxes!

From The Ghost and Mr. Chicken

“When you work with words, words are your work.”

From The Shakiest Gun in the West

“Just because I’m rough and dirty and don’t wear underwear, doesn’t mean I’m not creative.”

“Brush your dentist twice a day. Visit your toothbrush twice a year.”

From The Love God?

“When will the government stop interfering with private business?”

“The public want sex, sex and more sex!”

From The Apple Dumpling Gang

“Well, there’s one good thing about luck – it always changes.”

“You don’t thank a man for hanging you.”

From Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo

“Sometimes a comeback comes second.”

From Hot Lead and Cold Feet

“Something good is bound to happen when love is in your heart.”

The Power of Tequila

11 Jun

Last night, I met some folks for dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse, the same place where I left my credit card a while back. Due to it being a weekend, there was a bit of a wait, and we found ourselves sitting in the waiting area with other people wanting to eat. After getting a little antsy, I offered to go to the bar and order libations for the group. It turns out that only two people, including me, wanted to partake, so I sauntered to the bar and returned with my Jack and Coke (which is also the name of a great song) and a Sangria.

I sat the Sangria on a table while its owner went to the restroom, and a little old lady asked me what was in it. The conversation continued with me replying:

“I’m not sure. I know it has wine and fruit, but I really don’t know what else.”

“It looks good, but I need to know what liquor is in it.”

“Well ma’am, all I am sure about is the wine.”

“Does it have tequila?”

“I don’t…”

“I stay away from tequila. They say it makes your clothes fall off.”

At this point, her husband gets up, and she asks where he is going.

“I’m going to get you a shot of tequila.”