Unsolved Mystery

13 Oct

I’ve had a posting idea in my mind for a few days, but it will have to wait a few days longer because something else cropped up. Yesterday, I looked at the Stats page and saw “Robert Stack Sex”. Somebody actually typed “Robert Stack Sex” into a search engine and found their way to this blog. Now, this brings up a couple of concerns. First, why would anyone search for “Robert Stack Sex”? Second, why would that bring them to the SBI Universe?

Many of you are probably asking, “Who is Robert Stack?” He was an actor who made several good movies in the 1950s, but he found fame and a pop cultural legacy on television. In the early 1960s, Stack played Elliot Ness in The Untouchables.

Elliot “Sex Machine” Ness

Stack gained renewed fame a few decades later as host of Unsolved Mysteries.

Robert “Sex Machine” Stack

In the late 1980s, almost everyone watched this show and heard Stack say “what you are about to see is not a news broadcast”. Well, it may not be a broadcast, but I have some news. Somewhere in the world is a person who wants to know something about Robert Stack and sex. I contemplated this fact as I stared at the screen and the words, “Robert Stack Sex”, were burned into my eyes and concluded that what the searcher was looking for should remain an unsolved mystery. With that in mind, here are a few theories in an attempt to solve the mystery of the “Robert Stack Sex” searcher.

1. The searcher gets off on watching bad actors reenact crimes.

2. The searcher thinks the promo photo of Elliot Ness is an accurate representation of Robert Stack’s, uh, machine gun.

3. The searcher missed the “un” on The Untouchables and believes it is a porn movie about people who are constantly being “touched”.

4. The searcher is waiting the Unsolved Mysteries version of Robert Stack to open his trench coat and flash the screen with his machine gun.

5. The searcher is turned on by people who star in shows that begin with “un”. They imagined the letters in front of words like dressed and zipped and inhibited.

Whatever the case, someone has “Robert Stack Sex” on their mind, and they came here for help.

2 Responses to “Unsolved Mystery”

  1. Madame Weebles October 13, 2012 at 19:18 #

    I used to watch Unsolved Mysteries religiously. His voice made the stories even creepier than they already were. I know he was best known as Elliot Ness back in the day, but I think I’ll always remember him most fondly for his role on Airplane.

    • surroundedbyimbeciles October 14, 2012 at 06:51 #

      He was also in The High and the Mighty, the original “airplane in trouble” movie.

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