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How I Spent the End of the World

22 Dec

Ok, the world survived. Never mind that the world was not going to end, and the Mayans never said that it was. The Internet, pop culture, social media, and people in general took something (the Mayan calendar) that they didn’t understand and made something out of it that it never was. Shocking, I know. That never happens in modern times.

Some people prepared for the end that never came. Others joked about it. Some people had clever things to say on Twitter and Facebook. I spent 12/21/12 doing the following.

I was awake at midnight surfing the Internet and playing Slingo on my iPhone.

This is the guy that's going to cause the end of the world.

This is the guy that’s going to cause the end of the world.

In essence, I was succumbing to the same addictions that I succumb to every night.

I woke up to find the sun shining and the wind howling. In other words, it looked warm outside, but it was actually cold.

I took a shower, got dressed and did the only thing to prepare for the end of the world. I put on the t-shirt with “12.21.12.” printed on the front. In case it happened, I wanted everyone to know that I knew it was coming.

Once I was prepared for the day, I met the usual folks for our weekly Friday lunch at Gondola, the local Italian restaurant that is owned by Koreans.

I could only find a picture of the Gondola sign. I wonder if that is a sign of the apocalypse.

I could only find a picture of the Gondola sign. I wonder if that is a sign of the apocalypse.

We talked about sports, local politics, national politics and the end of the world. The end of the world part went something like this.

One of Them: When did the Mayans go extinct?

Me: They didn’t go extinct. They still exist. In fact, I read an interview with a few of them on CNN.

One of Them: You mean the Spanish didn’t kill them?

Me: No, the Europeans did not kill all of the Native Americans.

One of Them: I thought they killed all of the Indians.

Somewhere along the way, I changed the subject.

After lunch, I went to my parents because their phone lines had been knocked out. It was that howling wind that I mentioned earlier. It knocked lines down everywhere. Unfortunately, it also knocked out their Internet, which is almost like the end of the world.

After that, I sold 6 tickets and a parking pass for the Music City Bowl. Vanderbilt is playing in the bowl this year, which means that Vandy made a bowl game two years in a row. That’s a first for them and is a sign of the apocalypse if there ever was one.

Let’s see. Then, I bought one last Christmas gift before meeting my friends to go to a University of Tennessee basketball game.

They play here. It doesn't look like a Mayan pyramid, but it's a pretty good place to watch a game.

They play here. It doesn’t look like a Mayan pyramid, but it’s a pretty good place to watch a game.

We made the trip to Knoxville and got there just before tip-off. It was a victory by the Big Orange over Western Carolina.

We made it back safely. Now, I am writing this end of the world post while still wearing my end of the world t-shirt.

Serbian Underwear, Choking on Quail, and Dreaming About Nikola Tesla

12 Dec

Once again, it is time to check in with Inspiro, the app that creates scenarios by throwing out random phrases. It is supposed to help with writer’s block, but it often comes up with nonsensical combinations that would be difficult to fit into a story. Usually, I pick a few weird phrases and comment on them. This time, I am going to Google the phrases and see what images appear.

From “Muse”, we have:

Mongolian skywriting in the daytime

Put the smoke on the falcon and let her rip.

Put the smoke on the falcon and let her rip.

Serbian underwear for lunch

Edible underwear, I guess.

Edible underwear, I guess.

Norwegian harmonicas with Bela Bartok

I don't know if it's Norwegian, but there is an actual harmonica album of Bartok's music.

I don’t know if it’s Norwegian, but there is an actual harmonica album of Bartok’s music.

Over in “Scenarios”, there is:

a blonde sitting on an ox

Hey, what's that thing on your back?

Hey, what’s that thing on your back?

a quail choking a gangster

I got him right where I want him.

I got him right where I want him.

your co-worker walking toward a bull

And doing this.

And doing this.

“The Daydream Machine” has come up with:

Satan is probably dodging bullets with a fallen angel.

I really didn't think it would end up being him.

I really didn’t think it would end up being him.

The unknown is easier than facts.

Let's do it the hard way.

Let’s do it the hard way.

Dreaming contains traces of Nikola Tesla.

I've never dreamed about him, but I think Christopher Nolan did once. Or, was that David Bowie?

I’ve never dreamed about him, but I think Christopher Nolan did once. Or, was that David Bowie?

An Ode to Flu, Flew and Flue

8 Dec

They say I have the flu. I don’t think that’s the case, but what do I know? I know that I have felt like crap for most of the week. Thankfully, I am coming out of this funk and decided to celebrate by writing a post in honor of the flu, or flew, or flue.

Antony Flew was a British philosopher who started out as an atheist and ended up as a deist.

At some point, he must have been right.

At some point, he must have been right.

Swine Flu has broken out several times in American history, most notably in 1918.

The European secret weapon against Native Americans.

The European secret weapon against Native Americans.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest is the story of a criminal who goes into a mental institution and doesn’t come out.

But, Cheif escaped, which is fitting since his people were almost wiped out by the swine flu.

But, Chief escaped, which is fitting since his people were almost wiped out by the swine flu.

A flue is a pipe that allows exhaust gases to escape a building and hit the open air.

Otherwise known as a vent.

Otherwise known as a vent.

www.justflewthecoop.com is a blog by Jesse. Honestly, I don’t know much about the blog because I found it while looking up flu, flew and flue.

This picture has nothing to do with the blog, but it makes me laugh for some reason.

This picture has nothing to do with the blog, but it makes me laugh for some reason.

There you have it, a post about flu, flew and flue. If flu germs come near you I hope they fly out the flue because they suck.

Knowledge Trainer

5 Dec

I am addicted to my iPhone. Of course, this isn’t an isolated problem that affects only me. People are constantly looking at the things. They do it in class. They do it in meetings. They do it in restaurants. In a totally overlooked hazard, they do it while walking. Most of this time is spent on Facebook or Twitter or some other form of nonsense.

Fortunately, I have found a new iPhone addiction that actually teaches me something. It is a trivia app called Knowledge Trainer.

Play with this app and your brain will turn yellow.

Play with this app and your brain will turn yellow.

It’s a basic trivia question game with a twist. Each lesson has ten questions, but they are within different levels of difficulty. It starts at Level 1. If you get it right, then the next question jumps to Level 2. Correct answers bump up the level, and wrong answers bring down the level. The tougher levels bring higher points. Simple, right?

At the moment, I am on Lesson 271 and have reached the Expert category, but that doesn’t mean that I have mastered all of the subjects. My strongest categories are History (66%), Film (65%) and Sports (64%). My weakest categories are Science (45%), Arts & Letters (50%) and Miscellaneous (51%). In the middle are Social Science (60%), Music (56%), Technology (56%) and Geography (54%).

My average Knowledge Quotient is 190.1 with my highest Knowledge Quotient score at 450.2.

There are also national rankings that I find interesting. This ranks the states by the average scores within their borders. The Top 10 are:

Wyoming (117)

Delaware (113)

Montana (112)

Idaho (111)

Iowa (109

Nebraska (108)

Texas (108)

Illinois (107)

Alabama (106)

Oregon (106)

My state, Tennessee, has an average of 103.

The Bottom 10 are:

South Dakota (94)

Rhode Island (96)

Nevada (97)

Florida (97)

North Dakota (99)

Hawaii (100)

California (100)

Indiana (100)

Louisiana (100)

Arizona (102)

Anyway, it’s a pretty cool app. So, if you want to be addicted to something that doesn’t make you go completely brain-dead, then you may want to check out Knowledge Trainer.

Events of the Evening

30 Nov

This was going to be a simple evening. After work and a waxing, the plan was to head to my girlfriend’s house to decorate the Christmas tree. Work went well. The waxing went well, if slightly painful. Then, it was time for the fun to start. And, start it did.

First, I get a call from the fairgrounds. I am on the oversight committee, and a meeting had been called at the last-minute to discuss an upcoming event. Wait, it’s not really an upcoming event. It’s an event that we hope is upcoming. Right away, obstacles were being thrown into my path, but this one was easily handled. I didn’t go to the meeting.

Excitement abounds.

Excitement abounds.

The drive to her house was pleasant. It’s a winding road that goes through the countryside. The deer were not out yet, so there was not danger that I would run over a large animal. However, there was the danger that I would get caught behind a tractor, and that danger presented itself.

One of the hazards of living in the South.

One of the hazards of living in the South.

After some slow going, I made it to her house with the anticipation of eating good pizza and hanging good ornaments. Then, I heard the news. Her cousin, the hair stylist (in the old days they were called hair dressers), was coming over to work on my girlfriend’s hair. I decided to take a nap.

I’m not sure how long the nap lasted, but, for some reason, I dreamed that I was in an old timey beauty shop with women talking and those big hair dryers blowing. You know, the ones that women would sit under.

Take us to your leader.

Take us to your leader.

Anyway, I was awakened from this dream and told that it was time to get the pizza. At the pizza place, the guy was full of questions. My girlfriend lives in a really small town where everyone knows everyone else. He didn’t know me. After answering his questions satisfactorily, I was allowed to leave with the pizza.

When I got to the house, we scarfed the pizza down, and, with the hair far from being done, I hopped onto the iPad. Through the next couple of hours, I randomly went through the Internet and looked up the following:

The cast of Megaforce, a great 1980s movie starring Barry Bostwick

Yes, it is a flying motorcycle. Never say movies of the 80s were not classics.

Yes, it is a flying motorcycle. Never say movies of the 80s were not classics.

The farewell speech by Richard Nixon on the last day as president

His father had the poorest lemon farm in California.

His father had the poorest lemon farm in California.

The best songs of Eddie and the Cruisers

SPOILER: Eddie lives.

SPOILER: Eddie lives.

The previews for several episodes of The American Experience, with a special focus on George Armstrong Custer

During Custer's Last Stand, I don't think he was standing.

During Custer’s Last Stand, I don’t think he was standing.

The last speech given by Martin Luther King, Jr.

The night before his tragic assassination, Martin Luther King said that he had "seen the Promised Land".

The night before his tragic assassination, Martin Luther King said that he had “seen the Promised Land”.

There was more, but you get the point. I was all over the place. Then, my girlfriend brought her cousin into the room so I could tell her about Abraham Lincoln. We saw Lincoln last night, and my girlfriend didn’t understand why politicians were debating about outlawing slavery at the end of the Civil War when the war was being fought to end slavery.

I am not going to get into a big historical discussion here, but I had to explain that the Civil War was not as simple as many people have been taught.

I write all of that to write this: I went to my girlfriend’s house to decorate the tree, and we did everything but decorate the tree. After she got her hair colored, she spent the rest of the night fretting over how bad it looked. After filling my mind with Internet info, I was fretting over my head beginning to hurt.

In the end, we decided to go ahead and decorate the tree. We didn’t know when we would be able to do it again, and we knew that her daughter would be disappointed if we didn’t do what we had planned on.

Freedom

19 Nov

That’s a word that has been stuck in my mind, and I don’t know why. It keeps shooting around in my brain like a pinball, and, each time it hits a bumper, another question pops up. What does it mean? Does it really exist? Why do we hear it so often?

Here in the United States, people see freedom as one of the foundations of the nation’s structure. Freedom of Speech. Freedom of the Press. People fight to protect our freedom. Freedom is everywhere, but, then again, it’s not. People are not free from responsibilities. People are not free to pack up anytime they want and move. People are not free to drive on the left side of the road.

Some people say that our freedoms are being taken away because religion has been taken out of schools. Those same people believe that women should not be free to have an abortion. Can we pick and choose our freedoms? Who decides what freedoms are right?

Some people say that freedom used to exist but has been slowly eroded. They look into history to prove that the good old days were filled with something that has been lost. Often, they will point to my area of study, the American West, and use cowboys as examples. They had the freedom to get on their horses and ride the plains. They didn’t have a care in the world except where they were going to camp for the night.

Guess what. They weren’t free either. Cowboys worked difficult jobs for little pay. They would have done another job if they could have gotten the work. Cowboys didn’t have freedom. They had paychecks.

I don’t know what freedom is, but I know the following:

Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose – written by Kris Kristofferson and famously sung by Janis Joplin

Freedom is defined as the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action – Merriam-Webster

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction – Ronald Reagan

A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself – Jim Morrison

Nobody can give you freedom – Malcolm X

Freedom lies in being bold – Robert Frost

Punk is musical freedom – Kurt Cobain

Freedom to joke; Freedom to hope; Freedom to win; Freedom to be in – Simply Red

Freedom, that’s just some people talking. Your prison is walking through this world all alone – The Eagles

So, what is freedom? I reckoin freedom is being able to put all of that in a blog post.

Alternate Versions of My Image

14 Nov

Somewhere in the archives of Surrounded by Imbeciles is a post about Googling myself. It turns out that there are a lot of me’s in the hinterlands of the Internet. Since I can’t think of anything to write about, I decided to return to this theme and Google images of me.

Let’s see what alternate versions of me pop up.

Here’s the very first one. I hope that he is playing the theme song for The Benny Hill Show.

I wonder if birds ever crap on his shirt and cover up the turtles.

Yes, this is my car. I am the blue version of Thomas Magnum. My friend T.C. will be arriving in his Lifesaver-themed helicopter.

Is this what a history professor is supposed to look like?

Hey, I am multi-talented when it comes to instrumentation. First, a saxophone. Now, a guitar.

If I could only find a lead singer, then I would have an alternative me band. Hey, what do you know?

I’m pissed that I have to be on the radio. I was meant to be on television.

I know, the beard really makes a statement. I’m not sure what the statement is, but it makes it.

Me the sideways Hermit.

I know you aren’t looking at me because you are wondering what that thing is on the wall. Could it be a giant, multi-colored rendition of sperm?

There are hundreds of these out there, but I will stop. You guys have probably had enough. Besides, I may need to come back to this subject when I can’t think of anything else to write.

Questions of Great Importance

28 Oct

Why do Country artists sing about being Rock stars?

Elvis Presley – The King of Rock n Roll

Roy Acuff – The King of Country Music

Hint: You guys aren’t Rock stars.

Whatever happened to Gary Hart?

Yes, you mean more to me than being the president.

Why is it Hardee’s in the east and Carl’s Jr. in the West?

And, you thought the country was split between Red and Blue.

Who was the better fighter – Rocky Balboa, Apollo Creed or Clubber Lang?

Or, was it Drago?

Why do people believe that there is an invisible man in the sky?

This guy has been the reason for a lot of conflicts.

Who thought red light cameras were a good idea?

I’d better not run that yellow light, so I’ll just slam on my breaks and get hit in the ass.

How many bloggers are there?

I think there are more bloggers than people.

Logically, It’s for the Poet

8 Oct

When this blog began, the front page of WordPress was a listing of those blogs which had been chosen as “Freshly Pressed”. I found several blogs to follow by squeezing the melons in that section. Now, the front page of WordPress has changed to some sort of sliding pictorial format.

Example, “For the Foodie” slides into “For the Photographer”. I suppose that the slides show potential bloggers the variety of things they can write about in the WordPress world. It’s an alright front page, but there is one thing that I have a question about.

Why does “For the Poet” have a picture of Spock in a wig?

Thank God for Gas Pumps

24 Sep

All of us bloggers like to look at our stats. At least, I assume all of us bloggers like to look at our stats. I know that I do, anyway. It’s not like I look at them all of the time. Wait, I do look at them often, but that’s not the point of this post. The point of this post is to point out an anomalous point in the stats. I have pointed it out before but feel the need to point it out again.

One of my earlier posts, The Problem With Gas Pumps, completely dominates this blog. In fact, it makes up 17% of the total page views in the SBI universe and outnumbers the next 30 posts combined. Undoubtedly, some of its popularity is due to the excellent writing exemplified by the post. However, I believe most of the popularity comes from the fact that it includes this picture:

This picture drives more page views than a topless picture of a princess.

Don’t believe that gas pumps dominate? Here are the top 15 search terms for Surrounded by Imbeciles.

1. gas pumps

2. gas pump

3. gasoline pump

4. pictures of gas pumps

5. josey wales

6. gasoline pumps

7. dumas brothel

8. mount rushmore conspiracy theories

9. outlaw josey wales

10. pump gas

11. picture of gas pumps

12. the outlaw josey wales

13. images of gas pumps

14. gas pump image

15. picture of a gas pump

The only things that bust the monopoly are people looking for old prostitutes; people looking for hidden meanings in stone-faced presidents; and, people who are fans of Clint Eastwood’s best movie.

Bloggin’ ain’t much of a livin’ boy.

In honor of The Problem With Gas Pumps and to gratuitously promote other posts, I present the ten posts that are eating the most dust.

Victorian Brothelese – There are the whores that people are looking for.

Greetings and Salutations – You can always count on the About page.

Dirty Deeds and Thunder Chief – My ode to lyrics that people mess up.

Movie Wisdom – Burt Reynolds Edition – Watch some Burt Reynolds movies. It will make you smarter.

A Requiem for Josey Wales – “To Hell with them fellas. Buzzards gotta eat, same as worms.”

The Good, the Bad, and the Presidential – There is more bad than good in this post.

It’s a Conspiracy – If you think things aren’t as they seem, then read this post.

John Wayne and Edgar Allan Poe – What? You didn’t know poetry could be learned from a John Wayne movie?

Memories of a Day in September – My thoughts on the anniversary of 9/11.

A Totally Not Funny Account of My Trip to New Orleans – It’ll make you cry.