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My iPod Has Issues – Looking for the Red Light

27 Jan

There are many things in this world that I do not understand, and, earlier, I witnessed one of them. It was during an after work trip to the grocery store to get bananas and Spic ‘n Span. I also got a magazine that will turn into a good blog post.

Anyway, I pulled into the parking lot as another car was coming out. They were trying to turn left onto a five lane road, and the traffic was heavy. In other words, they were going to be there a while. It is a common occurrence. However, they did not have to wait several minutes to pull out in front of another car and risk their lives. The other parking lot exit had a red light.

This is what I do not understand. When leaving a parking lot and turning left, why do people not use the exit with the red light? It does not take that long, and they do not have to play Frogger.Frogger

I always look for the red light and use it. This does not make me some driving genius. It just makes sense. People only have to think ahead.

I know this is a crazy post about something that is not a bi deal, but it bothers me every time I see it happen. When people learn to drive, looking for a red light while leaving a parking lot should be near the top of the list.

In honor of the craziness that is non-red light parking lot exiting, we will look into the craziness that is my iPod. Even it knows to think ahead and make this maneuver the easiest way.

“The Road to Hell” by Chris Rea

“Highway Chile” by Jimi Hendrix

“Standing at the Crossroads” by Johnny Shines

“Chauffer Blues” by Big Mama Thornton

“Hit the Road Jack” by Ray Charles

“Go Speed Racer Go” by Sponge

“The Long and Winding Road” by The Beatles

“Roadrunner” by The Modern Lovers

“The Old Man Down the Road” by John Fogerty

“King of the Road” by Roger Miller

“Carefree Highway” by Gordon Lightfoot

“Little Red Corvette” by Prince

“Highway 61 Revisited” by Bob Dylan

“16th Avenue” by Lacy J. Dalton

“How Fast Them Trucks Can Go” by Claude Gray

“Passing Zone Blues” by Coleman Wilson

“Pursuit of the Pimpmobile” by Isaac Hayes

“Free Ride” by Edgar Winter

“The Road” by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis

“Interstate” by The Refreshments

Remember, always look for that red light.

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A Man Walks Into a Bar

26 Jan

It could have been any bar in any town. They all look the same.Bar

There was a guy in the corner playing a guitar and attempting to sing. The speakers were turned up one level too loud because he wanted to be heard over the rest of the noise.

A refugee from the 1980s was grinding on a guy wearing a camouflage cap. She was the type who looked in the mirror and thought she would be the most stylish woman in the bar. Unfortunately, she was a few decades behind.

The bar was tended by a woman with teased platinum blonde hair and a t-shirt designed to get more tips. If someone asked about the wine list she would have replied, “We only have two. Red and white.”

Two men sat at the bar nursing a couple of beers. They looked as if they had been sitting on the stools for years. They eyed the three women who sat at the end of the bar hoping someone would buy them a drink. The two men looking at them were not what they had in mind.

A group of men and women sat at a table by the window. They were dressed better than everyone else and were trying to talk over the music and the din of the crowd. Honestly, they looked out of place. It was as if the bar had taken a downward turn since the last time they were there, and they had not realized it.

Behind them, other men and women sat at another table. It looked as if they had been here every night to see the bar slowly fall into disrepair. They were witnesses to its decline from the jet set to sawdust-covered floors.

As he stood in the doorway, this was the scene that he slowly scanned. He had seen it all before. This was the same door that he had walked into hundreds of times, and these were the same people that he always saw.

However, this scene had one difference. His nemesis – the one he had been searching for – was sitting at the opposite end of the bar with his back to the wall. The man had not lost his touch. He had also not lost any weight. The man was heavier and had grown a beard.

Was it to hide? He doubted it. His old nemesis thought that he was safe and could never be found.

After years of searching places better and worse than this one, he finally proved these ideas to be wrong. Now, everything would be put right.

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The Longest Bus Trip in the History of College Football

12 Jan

It was 1999, and fans of the University of Tennessee were riding high. Our football won the national championship the previous season, and we went to as many games as possible. It was a chance to support our team and rub it in to rival fans.Tee

In November, the team had just defeated Notre Dame and one of the nation’s highest ranked teams. Next was a trip to Fayetteville, Arkansas to play the Razorbacks. It was a journey that we had to make, but Fayetteville is a long way from here. To make the trip easier and more fun, a bunch of guys leased a luxury bus.

The trip was fun, but it was not easy. In fact, it turned into the longest weekend of my life.

We loaded onto the bus late Friday afternoon for a game to be played on Saturday morning at 11:30. The following schedule is true in every sense.

The bus took us to Tunica, Mississippi for a few hours of gambling. Of course, gambling took place before we arrive, but Tunica allowed for a more organized type. We gambled. We ate. We gambled some more. We ate some more. The hours melted away.

At some point, we were told to get back on the bus. Everyone was wired, and we horsed around all the way to the Arkansas campus. We got off the bus. We walked around campus. We met fans of both teams. We made our way to the seats.

It was sometime during the first half that I started feeling out of sorts. It felt as if I was in a fog. If I had not been sitting down, then I might have fallen down. That is when I realized that I had not be to sleep. It was Saturday afternoon, and I had not closed my eyes since Friday morning.

Obviously, I stayed awake during the game. After the game, I made a fateful decision. Go for the gusto and not sleep until getting home. Other people crashed. However, I was going to have none of it. I was going to stay awake for the entire trip.

When we got back to town, it felt as if I was in a walking coma. If zombies had been a popular thing in the late 1990s, then I would have felt like one of them.

I will not write about all of the activities that happened on the trip. To protect the guilty, that stuff will be left out. However, this trip has come to my mind over the past few days.

Two of the men who ventured on the trip have passed away in the past 48 hours. I was not close to either one of them and have not seen them in years. However, everyone who went on that journey have a connection. We took the longest bus trip in the history of college football.

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A Loving Reality

7 Jan

I had a medical procedure that required going under anesthesia. Before all of the action took place, I was looking out the window. Cars and trucks were going down the interstate. Flags were flying in the wind. The world was moving as I sat with tube and wires hooked to me.

Then, a scenario formulated in my mind. What if someone was put under anesthesia and they woke up in an alternate reality. Not one of those realities where the world is turned upside down. I mean an alternate reality with changes that are not immediately noticeable.Flag

A flag with 53 stars.

20-wheelers instead of 18-wheelers.

As the person goes along for a few days, they begin to notice these slight differences and realize that they add up to one big alternate reality. I am sure there are Twilight Zone and Star Trek episodes that deal with such things.

May years ago, I started writing a story about a guy who had a wreck and ended up in a coma. When he woke up, his life was completely different from the one he remembered. He was totally confused and had to figure out what was going on. Was this his real life? Was he still in a coma? Were the memories he thought were real only figments of his broken imagination?

I never finished that story. Other things in life gobbled up the time, and I put it away for a while. You know how it is when that happens. The thing you put away is lost forever.

There was a time in my life when I wished I could transfer to an alternate reality. I was lost in a lot of ways and was in psychological shambles. I no longer wish for alternate realities because this reality is the one I want.

When I woke up, they called my wife into the room, and she was by my side when the doctor came in for his consultation. She has spent the rest of the day taking care of me.

I am happy with this reality because I am loved, and there is nothing more real than that.

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Celebrations of Yesteryear

1 Jan

Last night, we spent a low-key evening playing games and doing everything we could to stay up until midnight. It was a fun celebration of the new year, but my mind kept going back to a celebration that took place twenty-five years ago.

My college roommates and I threw a huge party at our apartment. To protect the guilty, I will not recount the gory details of the gathering, but it would make a good movie to be shown in some art house theater.

There were two parts of the party that can fit a family blog and provide examples of that night. First, most of the furniture ended up in the backyard. Second, I spent the strike of midnight convincing a girl not to kill her boyfriend.

As I thought back to that night, I thought about where I was on other nights of the yearly eve, Honestly, I cannot remember most of them. That is either a result of inebriation or old age. However, a few of the nights come in clearly.New Year

One New Year’s Eve was spent at SeaWorld in Orlando, Florida. Those were the days when my favorite football team played in a New Year’s Day bowl every year. We watched fireworks that night and watched fireworks on the field the next day.

Traveling to a football game also took me to the streets of Phoenix, Arizona on a warm December night. My friend, who was also hosted the famous party, and I stumbled down the sidewalks with 200,000 other people. Luckily, we ran into Larry, who you have read about a couple of times, and he got us to our hotel.

Football games have also led me to less festive locales. One New Year’s Eve was spent in a Waffle House in north Georgia. The greatest memory of that night was one of my traveling companions complaining about the iced tea. According to him, it tasted like urine. Of course, he used a different term.

The New Year’s Eve on of Waikiki Beach was a lot better than the one in north Georgia. Everyone sat in the sand while fireworks blasted over the Pacific Ocean. The only problem was that we had to drive across the island to our beach house and almost got lost.

There have been many memorable New Year’s celebrations. However, none of them compare to the party at Citizen, a private club in Nashville. At one of their parties, I spent New Year’s Eve with my future wife. Since then, every celebration of the coming year has been awesome.

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A Prime Minister and a Racetrack

31 Dec

Once, there was a prime minister of Great Britain. I reckon he was somewhat famous. He was prime minister during World War II and was one of the most important people of the 20th Century. You may have heard his name. It was Winston Churchill.Winston Churchill

Currently, there is a famous racetrack in Kentucky. In fact, its most famous race is called the Kentucky Derby and has been run since the 1870s. You may have heard of the racetrack. It is called Churchill Downs.Churchill Downs

Why am I writing about all of this Churchill stuff? Because I live on a street named Churchill, and nobody knows how to spell it. I have seen it spelled as Churchhill, and I have seen it spelled as Church Hill.

Heck, our city, which owns the street and takes care of it, spells it Church Hill. Our water bill says Church Hill, and our property tax card says Church Hill. I wonder if I have to pay those since I do not live on Church Hill.

Since no one knows how to spell the names of one of the most famous people of the 20th Century and one of the most famous racetracks in the United States, I am writing this blog in their honor.

Here is to you, Winston Church Hill.

Here is to you, Churchhill Downs.

May your names live on.

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A Lack of Respect for Frosty the Snowman

27 Dec

Like a lot of people, our house gets all decorated up for Christmas. This year, we had two Christmas Trees. One was called pretty. The other one was called tacky. Take a guess which one was my favorite.

Anyway, we had Christmas stuff everywhere. Figurines. Snow globes. Stockings. Each one of them had their place of prominence. However, one piece of Christmas decor did not receive the respect that I think it deserved.

Frosty the Snowman is a classic character and the star of one of the holiday’s best cartoons. You just would not know it at our house. Our Frosty sat on the couch in the bonus room, which should have been good because that is where we have the big television. However, that could have been his demise.

When someone hit the couch to watch television, Frosty always ended up on the floor.image-20

Most times, he lost his hat, too. Naming myself the fixer of Frosty, I gave myself the job of putting Frosty back into his proper place and putting his hat back on his head. Through the weeks, I have lost count of how many times I had to come to his rescue. I must admit that I started feeling sorry for him.

Tomorrow, we will be putting the Christmas decorations back into the attic, and Frosty the Snowman will go back into his box. I have determined that next year Frosty will be placed in a more protected place. There is no reason for him to spend his furlough on the floor. He should at least be allowed to sit up.

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The Problem With Christmas

15 Dec

This blog began as a sarcastic view upon the world. Simply, I was going to write about the dumbness that we encounter in our everyday lives. There was a diatribe about gas pumps that used to get tons of hits. Then, there was part of the Sonic Drive-In business model. Recently, I went after people who choose to drive big ass vehicles.

It is now the season to discuss the problem with Christmas. Actually, we should make that plural.Christmas

Food – I have no problem with the food that is prepared for Christmas. I think it is awesome. In fact, it is awesome enough that it should be prepared all year. That, therefore, is the problem. If something is good enough to eat in December, then it is good enough to eat in June.

Sausage balls are one of my favorite foods, but I only get them at Christmas. That is a ridiculous concept that needs to be immediately changed. They should be a staple of the daily diet.

I also like boiled custard. Those of you who drink eggnog are doing the wrong thing. You should be drinking boiled custard. You should also be drinking it all the time.

Music – There is only one good Christmas song, and it only has one decent version. The season is not complete without hearing Bing Crosby and David Bowie singing “Little Drummer Boy.” However, even it should only be played on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. There is no reason to start playing Christmas music the day after Halloween.

That, therefore, is the problem. Christmas songs are played too early and too often.

The Three Wise Guys – They traveled from afar while following the brightest star in the sky. They bore gifts for the child that they knew would be found under its light. The journey must have been difficult and long. The three men, being wise, had plenty of time to contemplate the importance of their mission. I wonder if they knew the impact their trip would have on the world’s economy.

Three men bearing gifts for a newborn child created a tradition that would overwhelm the holiday designed to honor that very child. That, therefore, is the problem. The giving and receiving of gifts dominate Christmas. People fight to grab products on Black Friday. Stores cannot wait for the end of the year because they know that is when profits will be made. The holiday has become a contest to see how many gifts we can cram under a tree.

If the three wise guys had left the gold, frankincense and myrrh at home, then things would be quite a bit different.

Paganism – I have no problem with paganism. In my opinion, women can dance naked in the woods all they want. That, therefore, is not the problem. The issue is that people fill their houses with pagan symbols and do not realize it.

All of those Christmas Trees that people spend time setting up and decorating. Yep, it is a pagan symbol. It may come from some nature rite. It could be a way to bring nature into the home during a long winter. It could be a lot of things, but it definitely comes from a time before Christianity reached Europe.

Oh yeah, we cannot forget the wreaths. These things have a long pagan history. Heck, Roman emperors even wore them on their heads like a crown. Those would be the same Romans that Pontius Pilate worked for. Yep, paganism.

Characters – Santa Claus. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Frosty the Snowman. The Grinch. Heat Miser. Cold Miser. There are a ton of characters that have been created for Christmas. That, therefore, is the problem.

All of those Christmas characters have come to dominate Jesus, the character for which the holiday was created.

Reason for the Season – We spend a lot of time doing a lot of things at Christmas. People prepare special food. People spend a lot of time listening to songs. People spend a lot of time spending a lot of money. People spend a lot of time decorating their houses. People spend a lot of time watching television specials and taking pictures with Santa Claus.

That, therefore, is the problem. We spend all that time and forget about what Christmas is all about. I am not the most religious person in the world, but we should not forget that Christmas is a religious holiday celebrating the birth of a man who greatly altered the world.

This is not meant to be a religious debate. Some people believe, and some people do not. Millions upon millions believe in other religions and religious figures. However, no one can deny that this is a holiday that honors the man who one of the world’s major religions is based on. All of this other stuff just takes away from that.

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Things I Do Not Understand

26 Nov

The world is full of mysteries. There are things about our home planet that we do not understand and may never will. Sometimes, I think about these mysteries and wonder about the things that I do not understand. Some of them are serious. Some of them are absurd. Some of them can be found in the middle.Understand

Tonight, I do not understand why:

airplanes stay in the sky.

some foods are only prepared during the holidays.

people wonder which came first – the chicken or the egg.

Bigfoot has never been found.

men hit women.

people think they have to choose between science and religion.

silent movies look like that are going in fast forward.

we have to fall back and spring ahead.

people need alcohol to relax or have a good time.

I am addicted to my iPhone.

many people find history boring.

Led Zeppelin will not reunite.

people choose not to vote.

fast food restaurants do not live up to their name.

we buy water in bottles when we already pay for it to come through the tap.

There you have it. On this night, those are the things I do not understand.

 

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The Collapse of the Stapler Industry

25 Nov

Throughout the history of the United States, the economy has fluctuated. There are times when the economy is running on all cylinders, and there are times when it slows to a crawl. The bad economic times have been given many names. Depressions. Recessions. Panics. Downturns. No matter the name, they all mean the same thing. Businesses close. People lose jobs. It is a tough situation for a lot of people.

We have faced one of these low economic periods over the past few years, and, hopefully, we are coming out of it. Various industries have faced difficult times. However, I am convinced that one industry has had it tougher than all the rest. Apparently, manufacturing reached a near standstill. Sales plummeted. It has been total economic chaos.Factory

What industry am I writing about?

The stapler industry.

This may come as a surprise to many of you, but the stapler industry, from my observations, has been hit harder than any other.

What is my proof?

College students cannot find a stapler for their papers. The other day, they turned in a research assignment, and most of them were loose-leafed when they were handed to me. With that few papers stapled, I can only surmise that there is a devastating stapler shortage in our country, which can only be explained by an economic collapse in that industry.

In fact, I am convinced that the stapler in my office is one of the last in existence because random people will show up at my door and ask to use it. Luckily, I also have a box of staples to go with it. What will we do when that box runs out?

I reckon students will have to use paperclips to attach their pages. Or, they might have to do the unthinkable and put their papers in a folder.

The collapse of the stapler industry has been devastating for many people. Jobs lost. Investments vanished. However, college students have been negatively affected, as well. After long searches for something that is impossible to find, they are forced to turn in assignments in a haphazard way. I pity them.

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