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The Little River Band Sang…

1 Nov

“Happy Anniversary, Baby“, and I have been thinking about that song because it has been one year since the birthing of this blog. It started with the suggestion of a therapist who I don’t see anymore and, honestly, I thought it was a dumb idea. I knew nothing about blogging and didn’t understand why anyone would want to read what I had to write. For the first month, that proved accurate as the blog got 49 hits FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH.

Several times, I thought about stopping but realized that was the point behind the therapist’s suggestion. I have had a hard time committing, and this would give me practice at continuing something. It’s a year later, and I am still continuing. That fact has amazed me along with a few other things.

I am amazed that this blog has 252 followers, and I deeply appreciate each one of you. Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t thank all of the other readers who have stopped by along the way. I appreciate that you guys have taken the time to read my words and offer hundreds of comments. There are some great people in the blog world, and I am happy to have come into contact with a bunch of them.

I am amazed that people from 91 countries have clicked on one of my posts. ZZ Top went nationwide, and Surrounded by Imbeciles has gone worldwide.

Beard, Beard and a guy named Beard.

Wait, that last sentence brings something to mind that I would like to address, the title of the blog. Several people have told me how much they like the title, and others have told me that, with the content to the blog, I should change it. I find value in each one of those opinions.

The explanation for the title is given in the very first post. I didn’t realize that there was an About page for introductory purposes and wrote post for introductory purposes. That, along with the fact that I didn’t know what a Tag was, shows you how big of a blogging imbecile I was. Anyway, I am getting off track.

That post explains where the title comes from and explains my vision for what Surrounded by Imbeciles would be about – a sarcastic look at the human condition. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I haven’t been able to keep the sarcasm flowing. Now, I still throw sarcasm out there, but it is surrounded by all sorts of other views of the world.

In short (too late, I know), I am not surrounded by imbeciles. I am surrounded by great people with a few imbeciles thrown in. Because I actually know a few imbeciles, I am going to keep the name of the blog. Besides, it’s a brand. I don’t see Coke changing anything. Wait, they tried that once didn’t they?

Uh, ok.

I conclude this anniversary post by shamelessly linking the eight less read entries of Surrounded by Imbeciles.

THE BOTTOM TEN

Last – Never heard of Peter Burnett? Well, now you have.

Almost Last – Some important events have happened on November 25.

Nearly Last – Read ’em and weep.

Almost Last But Not Quite – Steve Jobs sold crack.

In The Last Five – The dreaded Winter Solstice.

Hey, It’s Not In The Last Five – The brain says, “Hey, give me a break.”

Not Nearly Last – What is true immortality?

A Safe Distance From Last – An ode to a cactus.

Again, thanks to everyone who has read this blog. I truly appreciate it.

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Logically, It’s for the Poet

8 Oct

When this blog began, the front page of WordPress was a listing of those blogs which had been chosen as “Freshly Pressed”. I found several blogs to follow by squeezing the melons in that section. Now, the front page of WordPress has changed to some sort of sliding pictorial format.

Example, “For the Foodie” slides into “For the Photographer”. I suppose that the slides show potential bloggers the variety of things they can write about in the WordPress world. It’s an alright front page, but there is one thing that I have a question about.

Why does “For the Poet” have a picture of Spock in a wig?

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Sweet!

3 Oct

I am sitting in the theater surrounded by men in tuxedos and women in expensive gowns. My eyes are closed. My palms are sweaty. I know that I am being watched on a split screen by millions of people, and they are watching me freak out. Suddenly, I hear my name called out. Everyone begins to clap as I hug the people around me. I give a big kiss to the blonde that is accompanying me, but I can’t remember her name. After all, we just met a few hours ago.

I can’t feel myself walking down the aisle and onto the stage. But, I know who’s waiting for me. Winona Ryder, the presenter, is smiling and looking at me with eyes that are saying this is not the only award I will be getting tonight. I give her a kiss on the cheek as she hands me….

Is it a dream? Kind of but not really. Today, I was honored to receive this award from Fern over at The Fur Files. Check out her blog. She writes about a bunch of things, including marriage and sex. Wait, marriage and sex go together?

I am not sure what rules I need to follow to complete the reception of this award, so I am just going to list my favorite Sweets.

I wonder if it is as sweet right side up.

Angels sang when Hot Tamales were first born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

This song by James Taylor.

Sweetness!

This song by Aerosmith.

The aforementioned Miss Ryder.

Thanks again, Fern.

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Thank God for Gas Pumps

24 Sep

All of us bloggers like to look at our stats. At least, I assume all of us bloggers like to look at our stats. I know that I do, anyway. It’s not like I look at them all of the time. Wait, I do look at them often, but that’s not the point of this post. The point of this post is to point out an anomalous point in the stats. I have pointed it out before but feel the need to point it out again.

One of my earlier posts, The Problem With Gas Pumps, completely dominates this blog. In fact, it makes up 17% of the total page views in the SBI universe and outnumbers the next 30 posts combined. Undoubtedly, some of its popularity is due to the excellent writing exemplified by the post. However, I believe most of the popularity comes from the fact that it includes this picture:

This picture drives more page views than a topless picture of a princess.

Don’t believe that gas pumps dominate? Here are the top 15 search terms for Surrounded by Imbeciles.

1. gas pumps

2. gas pump

3. gasoline pump

4. pictures of gas pumps

5. josey wales

6. gasoline pumps

7. dumas brothel

8. mount rushmore conspiracy theories

9. outlaw josey wales

10. pump gas

11. picture of gas pumps

12. the outlaw josey wales

13. images of gas pumps

14. gas pump image

15. picture of a gas pump

The only things that bust the monopoly are people looking for old prostitutes; people looking for hidden meanings in stone-faced presidents; and, people who are fans of Clint Eastwood’s best movie.

Bloggin’ ain’t much of a livin’ boy.

In honor of The Problem With Gas Pumps and to gratuitously promote other posts, I present the ten posts that are eating the most dust.

Victorian Brothelese – There are the whores that people are looking for.

Greetings and Salutations – You can always count on the About page.

Dirty Deeds and Thunder Chief – My ode to lyrics that people mess up.

Movie Wisdom – Burt Reynolds Edition – Watch some Burt Reynolds movies. It will make you smarter.

A Requiem for Josey Wales – “To Hell with them fellas. Buzzards gotta eat, same as worms.”

The Good, the Bad, and the Presidential – There is more bad than good in this post.

It’s a Conspiracy – If you think things aren’t as they seem, then read this post.

John Wayne and Edgar Allan Poe – What? You didn’t know poetry could be learned from a John Wayne movie?

Memories of a Day in September – My thoughts on the anniversary of 9/11.

A Totally Not Funny Account of My Trip to New Orleans – It’ll make you cry.

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Planetary Underwear, Mouse Ears and Unsolved Mysteries

7 Sep

There’s not much happening in my mind tonight, so I am going to break out the old Inspiro app to see what pops up. For those not in the know, Inspiro is designed to break writer’s block and pump out potential ideas. It produces word combinations and scenes that could inspire a story. Different sections create different things, but one thing is certain. Some weird stuff comes out of it.

The Muse

Early American prostitutes first thing in the morning– This has some real possibilities – especially for an expert in historical prostitution like me. This post is supposed to be an attempt at entertainment, but this line is thought-provoking. Prostitution was rampant in the British colonies and throughout the Revolutionary period. Heck, it has always been rampant. Morning is just as good a time to get a prostitute as any other.

This is a lot more fun than dumping tea in the water.

Handmade underwear on Uranus– Isn’t underwear designed to cover Uranus?

Put on some drawers!

Silent tubas in the 1930s– I think tubas are just as good silent as noisy. Think about marching bands. Tubas can be used as a dancing prop. They can be used to form words. In the 1930s, they could have been used as shelter by hobos.

Yes, there are such people.

Scenarios

A woodpecker involved in a love triangle with an alligator – I can hear Troy from Swamp People now. “What’s he doin’ to that peckerwood? Choot ’em! Choot ’em!”

Laugh your way out of this one, Woody.

A mouse sitting on top of your best friend– Uh, dude. There’s something on your head.

It could be worse…Actually, it couldn’t.

A prostitute sitting on top of a gangster –This has never happened. Who would even think something like this?

When I Googled “prostitute sitting on top of a gangster”, this is not the image that I expected to pop up.

The Daydream Machine

A dirty mind can be poetry– There once was a man from Nantucket…Well, you can fill in the rest of it.

I have found the church for me.

The unknowable is sometimes mystery –Sometimes but not all of the time.

The real mystery: how many times did Robert Stack have plastic surgery?

The AntiChrist looks like hot sex– This is exactly what I learned in church. No wonder I haven’t been back.

Google AntiChrist, and you will see that the AntiChrist does not look like hot sex. He looks like two people: George Bush and Barack Obama.

That’s it. I’m finished being inspired by Inspiro. Next time, I will try to write a real post.

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Out the Roof

10 Jun

This morning I woke up, stretched and grabbed my iPad to see what happened while I was out. As always, I logged into the Surrounded by Imbeciles world to see if any of the bloggers I follow posted during the evening. I read the few that had been added to the list and clicked over the Site Stats, where I got a huge surprise. While I was sleeping, the Views went out the roof.

Yesterday, this blog’s Views doubled the best day ever. I was thrilled. If I wasn’t awake before, then I was once this statistic jumped out at me. As all bloggers know, it is cool when you realize that people are actually interested in the stuff you write. I was also stunned because I couldn’t figure out what caused this sudden jump in numbers.

The post from the night before was nothing that would draw a great deal of interest, so I knew that wasn’t it. Then, I thought that it was the post about gas pumps, which I have come to call “Old Reliable”, but even that one has never made such numbers. Not being able to figure it out, I finally looked in Top Posts & Pages to see what posts had been read, and that’s when I got the real surprise.

Every post I have ever written had been read. How did that happen? I can only figure that a reader went through the blog and read all of the posts. Perhaps, they were searching for something specific. Maybe, they, like I often do, started reading and couldn’t stop. Whichever the reason, I appreciate the fact that someone took the time to read the ramblings that I have placed on this blog.

With that being said, I thank you “Mystery Reader” for taking a tour of the Surrounded by Imbeciles world. I hope you found it entertaining, informative and enjoyable. You are welcome to come back anytime. In your honor, I have included the following likeness:

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Alterations

10 Apr

As Douglas MacArthur once said, “I have returned!” Although he was returning to the Philippines during World War II, I have returned to Tennessee from an excursion into parts unknown – the same place that a lot of masked wrestlers came from.

As happens a lot when someone is gone for a length of time. I came back to some alterations – not in my real life but in my blog life (which are quickly merging).

As I flew home, I couldn’t wait to open up the Surrounded by Imbeciles portal and see what I have been missing. Imagine my surprise to see a big red/yellow/orange map on a new look Site Stats page. It is a really cool addition, and it was interesting to see not only how many people have been looking in but also where they are located when they look. All this time, I have been thinking that people in a few states have been checking out the blog. In actuality, these blogs go all over the world. Imagine that! It makes me realize how big and impactful the Internet really is. Thank you, fellow Tennessean Al Gore! I know, an old joke that I have used before.

I know you blogging folks have probably been playing around with your maps. I just got into mine and found some interesting stuff. Obviously, the United States sits at the top by a wide margin. I write about the things I know, and most of that is in the United States. It makes me wonder what someone in Gabon thinks about some of my references.

Completing the top five are Australia, Canada, Indonesia and the United Kingdom. Other ones that I find interesting are Jordan, Barbados (because it’s a great island), Turkey, the Russian Federation (I wonder if Putin feels as if he is surrounded by imbeciles.), Malta, Bangladesh and Costa Rica (because, well, I just wanted to mention Costa Rica).

Anyway, I just wanted to get back into blogging mode after some time off and thank WordPress for their cool map. I always say that people should be able to read a map. That bitchy woman who gives you directions from the dashboard just isn’t the same as Rand McNally. I only wish that they could break down the states as well. Although, they may have done that, and I just haven’t figured it out yet. At any rate, it is good to be back in the blog world.

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Cheeseburgers, Clocks and Albert Einstein’s Wife

21 Mar

Sometimes we have to search for something to write about, and other times subjects just appear. Today, I was struggling with ideas for tonight’s installment until I realized that it was happening right in front of me.

In my morning class, I brought out an activity that I have been using through the years to break up the monotony of lectures – for both me and the students. I ask them to list five people from history that they would like to have dinner with. When they are finished with their lists, I go around the room and ask who they wrote down. Then, we discuss one from each list. The parameters of choices are pretty wide. They can pick someone dead or living (living people have affected history too). In short, they can pick anyone famous. I allow this to show that history is not made up only of political leaders and other people who deem themselves important. Everyone takes part in the story of history. I also allow this to see what they are interested in.

As we went around the room, the usual suspects popped up. Jesus and Adolph Hitler have always been popular choices. (I wonder how often those two names have been used in the same sentence.) George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln came up as well. I also get a lot of celebrities and athletes, but I was surprised to have a girl who wanted to meet Megan Fox. Some new names emerged, like William Shakespeare, Charlie Chaplin and Super Tramp (you know, the band).

However, I was really surprised to hear someone say Albert Einstein’s wife. I know that there was a stunned look on my face as I asked, “Why Albert Einstein’s wife?” The following conversation took place.

“Because she is the one who did all of the work. No one would listen to her because she was a woman, so she put everything in his name. He was dumb. He didn’t even know how to tie his shoes.”

“I have never heard that. Where did you see this?”

“A friend told me. It’s like a conspiracy.”

“I’ll have to look into that. It is true that women did not have as many opportunities in those days, and I am sure she was an intelligent lady.”

I quickly moved on to someone else because I had nothing else to say. I did not want to quash a student’s interest in the subject, but I have never heard this theory before. Instead of making the student look bad, I said that was a very interesting idea that I wanted to investigate and would like them to investigate as well. Diplomatic, huh? I haven’t looked into this yet, but if you guys have ever heard about this please let me know. In the meantime, here is a picture of Albert Einstein’s wife along with Albert.

That was fun, but, as they say, the fun wasn’t over yet. I was starving when I left school. Rotary had corned beef and cabbage left over from a St. Patrick’s Day party. It was served with potatoes, and I wondered if the Irish started eating this beef and cabbage stuff when their potatoes went bad. If so, then serving them together is pretty ironic. Anyway, I was hungry and went into a drive-thru. The following happened.

“What can I get you today?”

“I would like a cheeseburger with ketchup, mustard, pickle and lettuce. I would also like fries and a medium Coke. (In the South, all soft drinks are called Coke.)”

“I have a cheeseburger with ketchup, mustard, pickle and lettuce. Fries and a medium Coke. Would you like cheese on your cheeseburger?”

Silence as I pondered that question and the origins of the universe which Albert Einstein’s wife theorized about.

“Sir?”

“I’m here.”

“Would you like cheese on your cheeseburger?”

“Yes. That would be good.”

“Drive to the first window please.”

After getting my cheeseburger with cheese, I headed home. At a red light, an old school station pulled ahead of me, and I noticed something strange in the rear window. There was a clock – a round clock that should be hanging on a wall. And it was keeping time. Next to the clock was a sticker that said, “I’m a Lover.” Perhaps, he was timing himself because he was, as The Dominoes would sing, a Sixty Minute Man.

I went home; ate my cheeseburger with cheese; thought about Mrs. Einstein and the Sixty Minute Man; and knew I had my blog post.

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Kudzu

18 Mar

If you ever take a drive along the southern back roads, then you will eventually see something strange – a vine that has covered the ground, trees, fences, power lines and buildings.

It may look lush and green from your point of view, but underneath it has taken over and sucked all of the nutrients out of the area it has covered. This plant is most commonly known as kudzu, but, as a child, I knew it as “mile-a-minute”. Other people call it “the plant that ate the south”.

Native to Japan, the plant was introduced to the United States at the Centennial Exposition, held in Philadelphia in 1876. According to The Amazing Story of Kudzu, gardeners first cultivated kudzu for ornamental reasons, but people began realized that animals would eat it. Southern farmers latched on to this idea and began to grow it for this purpose. However, the plant really took root in the 1930s when the Soil Conservation Service used it for erosion control.

Have you ever heard that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions? Well, in the South it is covered with kudzu. Good intentions led to the promotion of a plant that could not be controlled. It is estimated that this stuff can grow a foot per day and can take up to ten years to kill. Life After People, a show on the History Channel, estimated that it would take fifty years for kudzu to completely cover downtown Atlanta. My friends, that is a successful plant.

I described the effect of the plant on the South because the Surrounded by Imbeciles world has its own kind of kudzu. When this blog was birthed, I had grand plans to sarcastically discuss the “problems” in the world. I wrote about the issues of gas pumps; moved on to my pet peeve with Sonic Drive-In; and, continued with the uncomfortable aspects of day spas. Eventually, I altered my attitude and writing style, and these older posts were forgotten.

No one read any of these. And, I mean NO ONE. Then, in mid-January someone clicked on my gas pump rant. I was so stunned that I published a post about how we may forget about posts, but they are always out there. I went on my merry blogging way but realized that more and more people were checking out the gas pump post. As the numbers grew, I had no idea why this lost post suddenly became popular and wrote about it again.

And, that brings me to this post and the comparison to kudzu. “The Problem With Gas Pumps” has continued to grow in readership and popularity. Not only has it become the most popular post in the Surrounded by Imbeciles world, but it has also taken over the field. More people have read the post than the next eight posts combined. It is even sneaking up on “Homepage”.

Please understand that I am not complaining. Nothing makes us bloggers feel better than going to the Stats page and finding out how many people are interested in our written thoughts. That’s the ego in all of us. It just amazes me to watch an old and forgotten post continue its seemingly nonstop growth. Perhaps, kudzu is not the correct metaphor because “gas pumps” is not destroying anything. In fact, it is assisting my blog with its continued growth and improvement (along with all of the fellow bloggers and readers that I really appreciate). It’s just that every time I see the blog-o-meter crank up the numbers I envision that vine growing up the telephone poles.

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Late Night Blogging

17 Mar

I had a decent idea for a post this evening, but I got to the computer later than I anticipated. On top of that, my head kind of hurts and my contacts are fogging up. What does it say that I am blogging under such conditions? It says that I really like doing this, and I feel an obligation to myself and to you dear readers. However, due to the lateness I am going to take the easy way out once again and allow this post to be generated for me.

“Inspiro” was one of the first apps I downloaded on my iPad. It is simply a random word generator that is supposed to help writers get through the dreaded block. It doesn’t really do that, but it does generate some strange word combinations. It can be set to different ratings for children and adults (mine is on full blast) and has three different categories of creations. So, I am going to crank up each section and see what pops out.

The Muse – I believe this one makes sentence fragments to get a plot started.

1. deadly dolphins with a midget – This brings forth an interesting scene. A little person floating in the ocean (much like the opening scenes of Jaws) with dolphins jumping around. Deadly? They could have fangs, or they could be strapped with bombs. It seems that our government tried that once, but I could be mixing that up with a James Bond movie.

2. good-as-new-mules high as a kite – At this moment, I can only think of The Six Million Dollar Man. We can rebuild him, except this time they are rebuilding Francis the Talking Mule. Does anyone remember him? And, if a mule is talking, then somebody has to be high.

3. Venezuelan buttocks on Neptune – I am not sure what buttocks in Venezuela look like, but I know a lot of the ones in Brazil are pretty amazing. Therefore, I envision an old 1950s Sci-Fi movie where a band of bikini-clad South American women fly to Neptune to prevent an alien invasion. The aliens are defeated so soundly that they have to retreat to Uranus.

Scenarios – This section comes up with interesting situations to build from.

1. a deer talking to a ho with a heart of gold – Disclaimer: My research delves into the world of prostitution in the Old West. As an expert in historical ho’s, I know that the “ho with a heart of gold” is a rare find. In fact, finding a talking deer may be easier.

2. your dog undressing for an elephant – If you see your dog dancing on a pole, then you might want to get a new dog. This one will eventually run off the land of ho’s. Apparently, this land is filled with elephants throwing dollar bills from their trunks.

3. a disrespectful pony walking toward a pony – It’s high noon on a dusty street. The sun is high and the tempers are higher. A lawman is standing in the street as an outlaw walks slowly toward him. A classic western? Not hardly. This one is about the horses. A stallion faces a wild mustang, and the fastest hoof wins.

The Daydream Machine – This ones generates phrases at a constant rate. It only stops when you find one that you like and want to focus on.

1. Mystery contributes to hot sex. – I will let your imagine run with this one. But, I will say that this sentence actually makes sense.

2. Knowledge is sometimes the unknowable. – Hmmm. I do not know if I know what this means. I know that it is either deep or shallow.

3. Dreaming contains traces of drugs and Rock & Roll. – I have to think. There seems to be a third item missing. Let’s see. Drugs. Rock & Roll. Drugs. Rock & Roll. What’s the third thing that goes with that? That must be the part of my dreams that I can never remember. I need the Inception crew to help me figure that out.

4. Knowledge looks like Lucifer. – This is what the Catholic Church said when they threatened Galileo. It is also what a lot of people say when the subject of Evolution comes up. Knowing something has to be evil, right? Remember the Gospel of George Michael – You gotta have faith.

After all of that, what do you think about “Inspiro”? I think it is entertaining at times.

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