Who Needs Kevin Bacon?

5 Oct

I have been sitting here trying to figure out what to write about, and I finally decided to write about what is on television. Encore is showing The Longest Day, a 1962 movie about the invasion of Normandy on D-Day. Obviously, this is an important historic event, and numerous movies have been made about it. What amazes me about this movie is the ensemble cast of huge actors from that time in Hollywood history. All this time, people have been playing “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” when they could have been playing “One Degree of The Longest Day“.

It stars John Wayne and Jeffrey Hunter six years after they were in The Searchers.

It stars John Wayne and Robert Mitchum four years before they made El Dorado.

Sean Connery and Gert Frobe appeared in this film two years before Connery, as James Bond, heard Frobe, as Auric Goldfinger, say, “No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die.”

It has Richard Todd, who was Ian Fleming’s first choice to play James Bond in Dr. No. Interestingly. Dr. No came out in 1962, as well.

I mean, this thing has everybody in it, and there are connections all over the place. To prevent having a post that drags out, I’ll just list a bunch of the actors and my favorite film of theirs.

Eddie Albert – The Longest Yard (although he was also good in Green Acres)

Richard Burton – Cleopatra (which I think was being filmed at the same time)

Red Buttons – Hatari! (which also starred John Wayne)

Sean Connery – Goldfinger (the best James Bond movie ever)

Henry Fonda – Once Upon a Time in the West (a great Spaghetti Western)

Gert Frobe – Goldfinger (the title character in the only James Bond movie to show a Kentucky Fried Chicken)

Jeffrey Hunter – The Searchers (which also starred John Wayne)

Peter Lawford – Ocean’s Eleven (a member of the Rat Pack who married into the Kennedy clan)

Roddy McDowall – Planet of the Apes (also in Cleopatra with Richard Burton)

Sal Mineo – Giant (appeared with Elizabeth Taylor, who was also in Cleopatra)

Robert Mitchum – Five Card Stud (starred with Dean Martin, who was also in Ocean’s Eleven and was a member of the Rat Pack)

Edmond O’Brien – The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (which also starred John Wayne)

Leslie Phillips – Harry Potter Series (as the voice of the Sorting Hat)

Robert Ryan – The Wild Bunch (a movie that’s bloodier than The Longest Day)

Rod Steiger – The Amityville Horror (there was a horror in that house but not the one they show in the movie)

Robert Wagner – Broken Lance (married to Natalie Wood, who starred in The Searchers with John Wayne and Jeffrey Hunter)

Stuart Whitman – The Day the Earth Stood Still (also starred in The Commancheros with John Wayne in 1961)

John Wayne – The Searchers (my favorite actor of all time)

Richard Dawson – The Running Man (but he was better on The Match Game and Family Feud)

Bernard Fox – Big Jake (which also starred John Wayne, but he was also in my favorite television show, The Andy Griffith Show)

So, I present the game, “One Degree of The Longest Day“.

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A Southern Legend

4 Oct

A few weeks ago, I was making a late night drive from Atlanta to my home in Tennessee. This trip requires taking Interstate 75 before veering onto Interstate 24 in Chattanooga. Just north of Chattanooga the road crosses a steep ridge known as Monteagle. The route up the ridge is relatively straight, but the way down is winding to say the least. It’s steep, curvy and takes concentration to get to the bottom safely.

I like the drive because it is fun and because it always brings to mind a story that I heard as a kid. It is the story of a truck driver who became a legend while delivering a load from Atlanta to Tennessee. Some people compare his story to those of John Henry and Jesse James – real people whose stories are clouded in song, myth and the need for heroes.

The year was 1963, and the driver hit the climb at Monteagle in a driving thunderstorm. I imagine the going was slow up the ridge because trucks have difficulty there on a good day. Heck, they say he couldn’t even see the passing lane. He probably stopped at the town on top of the ridge to take a break and get out of the storm. However, the load needed to be delivered.

As he started down the mountain, the rain had not let up, and the driver realized that he needed to gear down. He missed his gear and hit the breaks as the truck started to speed up. The breaks didn’t have air, and the truck driver realized that he was in trouble. However, more trouble was ahead as the trailer jack-knifed.

Now, he was going down Monteagle backwards with no breaks and in a driving rainstorm. He flew by cars and trucks. Later, the drivers of those vehicles reported that he had his head out the window and was yelling for everyone to get out-of-the-way.

Finally, he made it safely to the bottom, and people gathered around to ask him how he had gotten down the ridge. His reply has gone down in southern lore – “Folks, when the truck picked up too much speed I just run along beside it and drug my feet.”

It wasn’t long before word of this feat spread through the trucking world, and he became known as the driver with ice water running in his veins. They say he had a foot like lead and nerves like steel. With this newfound fame, the driver was paid to attend truck driving rodeos throughout the south and, honestly, became a shell of his former self.

Fifteen years after his experience on Monteagle, the driver was offered the chance to make another legendary run. The trick was that he had to drive from Atlanta to Texarkana and pick up a load of Coors. Then, he had to return to Atlanta within 24 hours. It was an impossible run that included breaking bootlegging laws. However, being the driver that he was, the bet was not going to be turned down.

The truck driver’s real name was Bo Darville, but in legend he is known by his CB handle, The Bandit. A southern legend, his story has been remembered in cinema and song.

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Sweet!

3 Oct

I am sitting in the theater surrounded by men in tuxedos and women in expensive gowns. My eyes are closed. My palms are sweaty. I know that I am being watched on a split screen by millions of people, and they are watching me freak out. Suddenly, I hear my name called out. Everyone begins to clap as I hug the people around me. I give a big kiss to the blonde that is accompanying me, but I can’t remember her name. After all, we just met a few hours ago.

I can’t feel myself walking down the aisle and onto the stage. But, I know who’s waiting for me. Winona Ryder, the presenter, is smiling and looking at me with eyes that are saying this is not the only award I will be getting tonight. I give her a kiss on the cheek as she hands me….

Is it a dream? Kind of but not really. Today, I was honored to receive this award from Fern over at The Fur Files. Check out her blog. She writes about a bunch of things, including marriage and sex. Wait, marriage and sex go together?

I am not sure what rules I need to follow to complete the reception of this award, so I am just going to list my favorite Sweets.

I wonder if it is as sweet right side up.

Angels sang when Hot Tamales were first born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

This song by James Taylor.

Sweetness!

This song by Aerosmith.

The aforementioned Miss Ryder.

Thanks again, Fern.

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National Geographic Revisited

1 Oct

A few years ago, I received a copy of National Geographic for my birthday. Not a subscription, which I have since received, but one copy of a National Geographic. Specifically, it is the edition from November 1968, the month I was born.

No, it does not record the birth of a very important person.

I think that I am supposed to preserve it, but it is too interesting to place in a plastic covering. Reading old copies of National Geographic, and other publications, is like taking a ride in Mr. Peabody’s WABAC Machine. The articles are interesting because they provide a view from the past that can be compared to the view of the present.

One article is about Queensland, “Young Titan of Australia’s Tropic North”. I wonder if Queensland became what they thought it would become.

Another article follows the Natchez Trace, a protected parkway from Nashville to Natchez, Mississippi. I have driven it several times and can report that the speed limit has not increased in the past 40-something years. It also contains some cool pictures of Nashville from that time. The Municipal Auditorium, once the city’s premiere concert venue, is shown in all of its glory. Now, it can be rented by almost anyone for any event. It is a shell of its former self.

There is also a picture from the stage of the Grand Ole Opry, the radio show that turned Nashville into Music City. At the time, the show aired from the Ryman Auditorium. The importance of the Opry has faded, but the Ryman has been refurbished and holds some awesome concerts.

The world of Queen Elizabeth I is explored in the next article. I can’t figure out if it is about her or her surroundings.

The last article is called “Our Friend From the Sea” and is about a family in New Jersey that semi-adopts a seal. It’s a different version of Jersey Shore.

All of those things are interesting but in no way compare to the advertisements. I find it interesting to look at products of the past because they are remnants of my childhood. However, many of them are also extinct.

The back cover urges us to “Fly the Friendly Skies of United”.

There is an automatic Polaroid that costs $160. Wait, $160 in 1968? The thing should take the photographs itself.

The Zenith 9-Band Trans-Oceanic Radio is one of my favorites. It is “powered to tune in the world, and FM, too.”

Oldsmobile advertises itself as Youngmobile.

There is a Toshiba transistor radio. I find this interesting because Toshiba made televisions in my town for years. Like most industry in my town, it is gone.

And, my family had a Honeywell movie projector to show “home movies in a new light”.

Another ad tells us to keep Kodak film around the house. Does Kodak still exist?

Magnavox televisions were like pieces of furniture with small screens.

The Dodge Polara was a popular car. It had standard foam-padded seats, carpeting and concealed windshield wipers. Dodge also sponsored the American Football League.

The best advertisement celebrates the 200th anniversary of Encyclopedia Britannica. Remember when we actually looked through encyclopedias to find out stuff?

Now, we blog about encyclopedias and other things that used to be.

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Levon Helm

29 Sep

The latest edition of American Songwriter has a great story about the late Levon Helm, which made me purchase my first ever copy.

Like a lot of other people, I read about Helm’s passing earlier this year, and, for some reason, it struck me enough to read more about who he was. As it turns out, I knew all about him before I knew about him. Doesn’t make sense? Then, I’ll put it this way. I had been enjoying the talents of Levon Helm all of my life and never realized it.

To me, the most entertaining songs are the ones that tell a story and allow me to direct a scene in my mind. Two songs that attracted my attention as a kid were performed by The Band and, unknown to me at the time, sung by Helm. One was “The Weight“, with lyrics that took me into a world that was just a little different from the real one. My favorite part went:

I picked up my bag and I went lookin’ for a place to hide

When I saw Carmen and the Devil walkin’ side by side

And I said, “Hey, Carmen, come on, would you go downtown”

And she said, “Well, I gotta go but my friend can stick around”

The entire song is great, but that line always stuck with me. The Band also performed “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down“, a song about the destruction caused by the Civil War. Maybe, it’s because I live in the South. Maybe, it’s because I am a historian. But, I agree with the magazine article that this song should be played for every class about the Civil War. It is a haunting song with lines like:

Back with my wife in Tennessee, when one day she called to me

“Virgil, quick, come see, there go the Robert E. Lee”

Now I don’t mind choppin’ wood, and I don’t care if the money’s no good

Ya take what ya need and ya leave the rest

But they should never have taken the very best.

As I read about Helm’s career, I realized that there was one thing I needed to do to honor him. I had to see The Last Waltz, the movie about the last concert of The Band that is considered to be the greatest concert film ever made. Luckily, the Belcourt, Nashville’s historic theater, was going to give me the opportunity. As the movie played, I realized a couple of things. Helm was the soul of The Band, and Robbie Robertson thought he was the soul of The Band. The movie focused on Robertson and missed the real story. No wonder the two men never got along after its filming.

But, here’s the thing. I had seen Helm in movies before and never realized it. I have seen The Right Stuff numerous times and never realized that he narrated the movie and played Jack Ridley, the best friend of Chuck Yeager.

He also play Mr. Rate in Shooter, a movie where Mark Wahlberg is framed for the assassination of the president. I know that it sounds dumb on the surface. However, I promise that it is good, Helm plays in the most memorable scene.

As I wrote, I knew Levon Helm before I really knew him. He sang some of my favorite songs, and he acted in some of my favorite movies. It was only after his death that I realized that he was more than a singer and an actor. He was the foundation of one of the greatest bands ever assembled. His talent altered music. In short, he was Levon.

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My iPod Has Issues – Speak of the Devil

25 Sep

It’s time for another journey into the mental state of my iPod. This time we will explore its dark side by taking a trip through the playlist called “Something Wicked”, where all selections pertain to something devilish.

He’s a cute little devil.

As always, I will hit the shuffle button and list the first 20 tunes that pop up.

“Hells Bells” by AC/DC

“Season of the Witch” by Donovan

“Crawlin’ King Snake” by John Lee Hooker

“The Garden of Allah” by Don Henley (Note: This does not mean that Allah is devilish. Within the song, Henley has some great lines as the Devil.)

“Season in Hell” by John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band

“The Lords of Salem” by Rob Zombie

“Witchy Woman” by The Eagles

“O Fortuna” by Carl Orff

“(Ghost) Riders in the Sky” by The Outlaws

“Even Trolls Love Rock and Roll” by Tony Joe White

“Highway to Hell” by AC/DC

“Black Magic Woman” by Santana

“Tubular Bells” by City of Prague Philharmonic

“Dark Night” by The Blasters

“Living Dead Girl” by Rob Zombie

“Columbus” Unforgivable Sins” by Peter Buffet

“Go To Hell…” by Wild Bill Hickok and Charlie Utter

“The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by The Charlie Daniels Band

“Bad to the Bone” by George Thorogood

“Memphis Exorcism” by Squirrel Nut Zippers

I had to write this post. I couldn’t help myself. The Devil made me do it.

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Thank God for Gas Pumps

24 Sep

All of us bloggers like to look at our stats. At least, I assume all of us bloggers like to look at our stats. I know that I do, anyway. It’s not like I look at them all of the time. Wait, I do look at them often, but that’s not the point of this post. The point of this post is to point out an anomalous point in the stats. I have pointed it out before but feel the need to point it out again.

One of my earlier posts, The Problem With Gas Pumps, completely dominates this blog. In fact, it makes up 17% of the total page views in the SBI universe and outnumbers the next 30 posts combined. Undoubtedly, some of its popularity is due to the excellent writing exemplified by the post. However, I believe most of the popularity comes from the fact that it includes this picture:

This picture drives more page views than a topless picture of a princess.

Don’t believe that gas pumps dominate? Here are the top 15 search terms for Surrounded by Imbeciles.

1. gas pumps

2. gas pump

3. gasoline pump

4. pictures of gas pumps

5. josey wales

6. gasoline pumps

7. dumas brothel

8. mount rushmore conspiracy theories

9. outlaw josey wales

10. pump gas

11. picture of gas pumps

12. the outlaw josey wales

13. images of gas pumps

14. gas pump image

15. picture of a gas pump

The only things that bust the monopoly are people looking for old prostitutes; people looking for hidden meanings in stone-faced presidents; and, people who are fans of Clint Eastwood’s best movie.

Bloggin’ ain’t much of a livin’ boy.

In honor of The Problem With Gas Pumps and to gratuitously promote other posts, I present the ten posts that are eating the most dust.

Victorian Brothelese – There are the whores that people are looking for.

Greetings and Salutations – You can always count on the About page.

Dirty Deeds and Thunder Chief – My ode to lyrics that people mess up.

Movie Wisdom – Burt Reynolds Edition – Watch some Burt Reynolds movies. It will make you smarter.

A Requiem for Josey Wales – “To Hell with them fellas. Buzzards gotta eat, same as worms.”

The Good, the Bad, and the Presidential – There is more bad than good in this post.

It’s a Conspiracy – If you think things aren’t as they seem, then read this post.

John Wayne and Edgar Allan Poe – What? You didn’t know poetry could be learned from a John Wayne movie?

Memories of a Day in September – My thoughts on the anniversary of 9/11.

A Totally Not Funny Account of My Trip to New Orleans – It’ll make you cry.

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Conversations of the Blue Chairs

21 Sep

Yesterday, I realized why getting the blue chairs back was a vital mission. A bunch of the history students used them as a gathering place to study, converse and laugh. It may sound crazy to some, but I believe that times like these are just as important to the college experience as sitting in class. The blue chairs, and places like them, are where bonds are formed and knowledge is exchanged. The fact that I can eavesdrop makes it even better.

All kinds of things could be heard as more and more students came around. There were complaints about professors. There were complaints about other students. There were also stories of fun and frivolity that has been taking place around campus and around town.

Then, it happened. The students became embroiled in a historical debate. Voices became louder as each student took a side, and I began to wonder what they could be talking about. They were studying for a test in my class on the Middle East. Could it be something about the beginnings of Judaism, Christianity or Islam? Could it be about whether or not aliens built the pyramids?

Uh, ok.

It wasn’t any of those. When they finally needed an expert opinion, I was asked, “What year was the Declaration of Independence signed?” At that moment, I knew that I had failed in my mission to educate the young adults of our great nation. When I regained my composure, I gave them the answer – 1776.

Guys, it’s 1773, but let’s say it’s 1776 just to mess with everybody.

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Now Taking the Field, the Fighting Imbeciles!

20 Sep

The Natural was on television the other night, and I caught the ending. For those who don’t know, it is an 80s movie starring Robert Redford and is about an aging baseball player who finally makes it to the major leagues. Honestly, the ending still makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck, and I have seen it a thousand times.

After it was over, I had this bright and original blogging idea. I wondered what the starting lineup would look like on an All-Movie baseball team. Unfortunately, the idea wasn’t all that original because these things can be found on blogs all across the Internet. It doesn’t matter because I can’t let a good, unoriginal idea go to waste.

Here are the parameters:

The players have to be fictional characters. There are a bunch of movies about real baseball players.

The players have to be in a movie that I have seen.

There was an attempt to have each player be from a different movie, but that didn’t work out.

This is only the starting lineup, and there is no designated hitter. There are tons of people who have filled out an entire team, but I’m not that interesting in this project.

In no particular order, here is the starting lineup for the Fighting Imbeciles.

From The Natural, Roy Hobbs plays right field. Great left-handed hitter. Decent fielder. Suffers from the effects of old injuries.

Manager’s quote: “The best…hitter I ever saw.”

From Major League, Willie Mays Hayes plays center field. Tremendous speed. Needs to be more disciplined at the plate.

Player’s quote: “I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.”

From Field of Dreams, Moonlight Graham plays right field. Contact hitter. Unproven defensively. High baseball IQ.

Smart enough to be a doctor one day.

From For Love of the Game, Billy Chapel is on the mound. Future Hall of Famer. Allows outside troubles to affect his focus.

Has a real connection with his catcher.

From Bull Durham, Crash Davis is behind the plate. Good bat. Can handle a pitcher. Deserves a shot at the big time.

Could be Billy Chapel’s younger brother.

From Mr. Baseball, Jack Elliot plays first base. Great bat. Spending time in Japan gives him a better attitude.

Player’s quote: “We’re not athletes! We’re baseball players!”

From A League of Their Own, Marla Hooch plays second base. Great hitter. Great team player.

And there’s Marla Hooch. What a hitter!

From The Sandlot, Benny Rodriguez takes the field at shortstop. Knows how to go get a ball. Plays the game like a kid.

Player’s quote: “Chuck it like you throw paper.”

From Major League, Roger Dorn covers third base. Wily veteran. Needs to be more of a team player.

Player’s quote: “I don’t have to do any calisthenics.”

From The Bad News Bears, Morris Buttermaker manages the team. Can make a team out of any combination of players.

Quote: “This quitting thing, it’s a hard habit to break once you start.”

I wonder if this bunch can win.

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Alternate Versions of Me

19 Sep

I have often heard people say, “You should Google yourself and see what it says.” Apparently, a lot of people do this, so I decided to do it, too. Now, I have a simple name that is probably common. It not common like John Smith, but it’s not Engelbert Humperdink, either. With a decently common name, I found a lot of alternate versions of myself.

The first version is a singer who has a MySpace page. Heck, I didn’t even know MySpace still existed. Anyway, he has a list of songs that can be listened to. My favorite is a cover version of “He Ain’t Heavy”.

I don’t know, but I bet a metal kid is kind of heavy.

Another version of me is the executive director of the AIA chapter in New York. Apparently, it is an architecture thing because he is a registered architect.

I hope he designed this because it’s cool, and he has a cool name.

The next version is a lawyer in Sugar Land, Texas. This guy has a long resume filled with numerous awards and a long list of professional organizations. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer. I guess that would have made me an alternative version of myself.

On second thought, maybe they wanted me to have another job. I can’t remember.

There is also a version that is a State Farm agent in Chatfield, Minnesota. I know what you are thinking. That is the most exciting thing you have ever heard of.

Dressing up as a bear might make it more exciting.

Somewhere in the list of alternatives, I found the real me. There I am in all of my glory – historian, lecturer, member of the Rotary, a regular jack of all trades.

Overall, this Googling myself thing was a weird experience because it’s a little strange to read about people with the same name as me. I wonder if there would be an explosion if a couple of us ran into each other. I don’t know about that, but I know that I would hate to be named John Smith. Wait, I would hate to be named Engelbert Humperdink, too.

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