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My iPod Has Issues – Looking for the Red Light

27 Jan

There are many things in this world that I do not understand, and, earlier, I witnessed one of them. It was during an after work trip to the grocery store to get bananas and Spic ‘n Span. I also got a magazine that will turn into a good blog post.

Anyway, I pulled into the parking lot as another car was coming out. They were trying to turn left onto a five lane road, and the traffic was heavy. In other words, they were going to be there a while. It is a common occurrence. However, they did not have to wait several minutes to pull out in front of another car and risk their lives. The other parking lot exit had a red light.

This is what I do not understand. When leaving a parking lot and turning left, why do people not use the exit with the red light? It does not take that long, and they do not have to play Frogger.Frogger

I always look for the red light and use it. This does not make me some driving genius. It just makes sense. People only have to think ahead.

I know this is a crazy post about something that is not a bi deal, but it bothers me every time I see it happen. When people learn to drive, looking for a red light while leaving a parking lot should be near the top of the list.

In honor of the craziness that is non-red light parking lot exiting, we will look into the craziness that is my iPod. Even it knows to think ahead and make this maneuver the easiest way.

“The Road to Hell” by Chris Rea

“Highway Chile” by Jimi Hendrix

“Standing at the Crossroads” by Johnny Shines

“Chauffer Blues” by Big Mama Thornton

“Hit the Road Jack” by Ray Charles

“Go Speed Racer Go” by Sponge

“The Long and Winding Road” by The Beatles

“Roadrunner” by The Modern Lovers

“The Old Man Down the Road” by John Fogerty

“King of the Road” by Roger Miller

“Carefree Highway” by Gordon Lightfoot

“Little Red Corvette” by Prince

“Highway 61 Revisited” by Bob Dylan

“16th Avenue” by Lacy J. Dalton

“How Fast Them Trucks Can Go” by Claude Gray

“Passing Zone Blues” by Coleman Wilson

“Pursuit of the Pimpmobile” by Isaac Hayes

“Free Ride” by Edgar Winter

“The Road” by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis

“Interstate” by The Refreshments

Remember, always look for that red light.

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Hatchet Jack and the Gang

9 Jan

Winter has arrived. The wind is blowing. Temperature is dropping into the single digits. I have been wearing my longhandles. If you do not know what they are, then you have not spent a winter in the southern states.

For me, winter has arrived at the same time that work has returned to my life. The past few days have been spent in meetings, and classes start on Monday. Of course, that means I have to leave the comfort of home and brave the elements to disperse ignorance.

It also means that I expect to run into Hatchet Jack.Hatchet Jack

Unfortunately, Jeremiah Johnson has already been by and taken the Hawken rifle.

Thinking about the fate of Hatchet Jack makes the cold less inviting than normal. However, there are those who thrive in such conditions.

This guy is a good example.Snow Miser

Then, there is this dude.Snowman

Of course, this one has to be included.Freeze

Oh yeah, this guy should never be forgotten.Olaf

People in Middle Tennessee know this bird.Snowbird

This creature is hard to find, but there is no doubt that cold weather is his thing.Yeti

As you brave the bitter cold, remember that not everyone hates it as much as Hatchet Jack. Some crazy people out there actually like it.

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A Prime Minister and a Racetrack

31 Dec

Once, there was a prime minister of Great Britain. I reckon he was somewhat famous. He was prime minister during World War II and was one of the most important people of the 20th Century. You may have heard his name. It was Winston Churchill.Winston Churchill

Currently, there is a famous racetrack in Kentucky. In fact, its most famous race is called the Kentucky Derby and has been run since the 1870s. You may have heard of the racetrack. It is called Churchill Downs.Churchill Downs

Why am I writing about all of this Churchill stuff? Because I live on a street named Churchill, and nobody knows how to spell it. I have seen it spelled as Churchhill, and I have seen it spelled as Church Hill.

Heck, our city, which owns the street and takes care of it, spells it Church Hill. Our water bill says Church Hill, and our property tax card says Church Hill. I wonder if I have to pay those since I do not live on Church Hill.

Since no one knows how to spell the names of one of the most famous people of the 20th Century and one of the most famous racetracks in the United States, I am writing this blog in their honor.

Here is to you, Winston Church Hill.

Here is to you, Churchhill Downs.

May your names live on.

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A Lack of Respect for Frosty the Snowman

27 Dec

Like a lot of people, our house gets all decorated up for Christmas. This year, we had two Christmas Trees. One was called pretty. The other one was called tacky. Take a guess which one was my favorite.

Anyway, we had Christmas stuff everywhere. Figurines. Snow globes. Stockings. Each one of them had their place of prominence. However, one piece of Christmas decor did not receive the respect that I think it deserved.

Frosty the Snowman is a classic character and the star of one of the holiday’s best cartoons. You just would not know it at our house. Our Frosty sat on the couch in the bonus room, which should have been good because that is where we have the big television. However, that could have been his demise.

When someone hit the couch to watch television, Frosty always ended up on the floor.image-20

Most times, he lost his hat, too. Naming myself the fixer of Frosty, I gave myself the job of putting Frosty back into his proper place and putting his hat back on his head. Through the weeks, I have lost count of how many times I had to come to his rescue. I must admit that I started feeling sorry for him.

Tomorrow, we will be putting the Christmas decorations back into the attic, and Frosty the Snowman will go back into his box. I have determined that next year Frosty will be placed in a more protected place. There is no reason for him to spend his furlough on the floor. He should at least be allowed to sit up.

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Things I Do Not Understand

26 Nov

The world is full of mysteries. There are things about our home planet that we do not understand and may never will. Sometimes, I think about these mysteries and wonder about the things that I do not understand. Some of them are serious. Some of them are absurd. Some of them can be found in the middle.Understand

Tonight, I do not understand why:

airplanes stay in the sky.

some foods are only prepared during the holidays.

people wonder which came first – the chicken or the egg.

Bigfoot has never been found.

men hit women.

people think they have to choose between science and religion.

silent movies look like that are going in fast forward.

we have to fall back and spring ahead.

people need alcohol to relax or have a good time.

I am addicted to my iPhone.

many people find history boring.

Led Zeppelin will not reunite.

people choose not to vote.

fast food restaurants do not live up to their name.

we buy water in bottles when we already pay for it to come through the tap.

There you have it. On this night, those are the things I do not understand.

 

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The Collapse of the Stapler Industry

25 Nov

Throughout the history of the United States, the economy has fluctuated. There are times when the economy is running on all cylinders, and there are times when it slows to a crawl. The bad economic times have been given many names. Depressions. Recessions. Panics. Downturns. No matter the name, they all mean the same thing. Businesses close. People lose jobs. It is a tough situation for a lot of people.

We have faced one of these low economic periods over the past few years, and, hopefully, we are coming out of it. Various industries have faced difficult times. However, I am convinced that one industry has had it tougher than all the rest. Apparently, manufacturing reached a near standstill. Sales plummeted. It has been total economic chaos.Factory

What industry am I writing about?

The stapler industry.

This may come as a surprise to many of you, but the stapler industry, from my observations, has been hit harder than any other.

What is my proof?

College students cannot find a stapler for their papers. The other day, they turned in a research assignment, and most of them were loose-leafed when they were handed to me. With that few papers stapled, I can only surmise that there is a devastating stapler shortage in our country, which can only be explained by an economic collapse in that industry.

In fact, I am convinced that the stapler in my office is one of the last in existence because random people will show up at my door and ask to use it. Luckily, I also have a box of staples to go with it. What will we do when that box runs out?

I reckon students will have to use paperclips to attach their pages. Or, they might have to do the unthinkable and put their papers in a folder.

The collapse of the stapler industry has been devastating for many people. Jobs lost. Investments vanished. However, college students have been negatively affected, as well. After long searches for something that is impossible to find, they are forced to turn in assignments in a haphazard way. I pity them.

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Poetry from the Bottom of the Barrel

13 Nov

It has happened again. I have run out of ideas to put on this blog. This happens more often than it did in the early days of Surrounded by Imbeciles. Back then, my mind was filled with stuff to write about. Now, I have to wait until inspiration strikes.Lightning

With nothing substantial in mind, I have decided to do what I have seen on other blogs.

Haiku.

These haiku do not have a theme. They are going to be typed as they form in my brain.

Treadmill treadmill go.

Treadmill treadmill go faster.

Treadmill treadmill stop.

__________

You know what they say.

Rock n’ Roll has got to go.

Rock will never die.

__________

Monument Valley

Is at the top of this page.

Great place to visit.

__________

Blogging addiction.

I think I have it. Maybe.

Detox not needed.

__________

James Bond – Double O

Seven. Goldfinger is the

best James Bond movie.

__________

This is the West, sir.

When legend becomes fact, print

The legend. Got it?

__________

Today was test day.

Multiple choice. A, B, C

Or D. No E’s please.

__________

Cold weather is here.

Wind blowing. Mist coming down.

How long until Spring?

__________

At the bottom of

Barrel. This post feels that way.

Dirty down in here.

__________

Elvis. Jerry Lee.

Chuck Berry. Little Richard.

Real revolution.

__________

Light dark light dark light.

Dark light dark light dark light dark.

The off and on switch.

__________

Whatever happened

To that guy who disappeared.

You know the one, right?

__________

History repeats.

The lessons are always the

Same. Broken record.

__________

Comments are welcome.

What do you think this haiku

Post? Want to read more?

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The Problem With Big Ass Vehicles

7 Nov

There used to be a television commercial about a guy who wanted to be a truck driver. When he asked for a job, the guy in charge pointed at a map and said that he had no doubt the new guy could drive from here to there. Then, he pointed outside and asked if he could get that truck from there to here. Simply, could the new guy back that truck into a tight space.

I cannot remember what product the commercial was trying to sell, but I think about that whenever I see a big ass vehicle that is terribly parked. When I say big ass vehicle, I am talking about this.Truck Park

And, I am talking about this.SUV 2

Many times, I have said that people should have to prove that they can part a big ass vehicle before they are allowed to drive it, and I am not kidding. It is ridiculous to drive something that you do not have the skill to park. However, that is not my only problem with big ass vehicles. I really do not see the point in their existence.

Let us first examine the super-sized pickup trucks. I have heard that some people need them for their jobs, and I am sure that is true. There are people who have to pull trailers and haul stuff. When I see someone using a truck for work, I think to myself, “Man, they really need a truck for work.”

However, I see a lot of these big ass vehicles that are not being used for anything except to make a spectacle. The engines are made to be as loud as possible. The headlights could light up a football field. Smoke is coming out of the pipes. Metallic testicles are hanging from the trailer hitch. It makes me wonder if the metal ones are making up for the lack of real ones.

Then, there are the extra long SUV’s. I have heard that these are needed to haul around kids and the stuff that comes with hauling around kids, and I am sure that is true. After all, kids, their friends, and all of their stuff take up a lot of room. However, people were hauling kids around town before these things were introduced onto the roads. On top of that, I see a lot of them rolling through town with only one person in them, and that person looks like their kids are long gone.

I think many of these big ass vehicles are meant to be symbols of success. Look at me, I drive an expensive SUV. Look at me, I live on a golf course. Look at me, I am somebody.

This is a free country, and people can drive whatever they want. I just have one piece of advice. Do not drive a vehicle because it makes you look tough. Do not drive a vehicle because it makes you look successful. Drive a vehicle that you can actually handle. If you can handle a big ass vehicle, then more power to you. Go for it. I just think that many people currently driving them cannot do it. Heck, George Patton basically invented tank warfare, and I am not sure he could park one them.

Oh, there is one more thing about George Patton. He was a tough bastard and was the wealthiest officer in the United States Army. I bet he did not need a big ass vehicle to prove either one.

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The Great Shirt Debate

3 Nov

During America’s Industrial Revolution, various industries became proficient in producing whatever it was they were trying to produce. In fact, they became good enough at producing that they were at the point where they could produce more than the market could consume. Of course, the ability to produce more was a waste if consumers could not purchase at the same rate of growth. This condition was no way to maximize profits. If there was something the industrialists loved more than anything, then it was maximizing profits.

Into this situation walked someone who had a grand idea about how to increase production and convince consumers to increase their purchasing. The idea was called product diversification. When I talk about the Industrial Revolution in class, I use flour mills as examples. I am not sure where they fit into the Industrial Revolution, but it is easy.Flour

In the old days, people went to the store and bought bags of flour. When they got home, the flour would be used to make cakes, cookies, biscuits, pies and all sorts of delicious things. Knowing that their product was used for various things, the leaders of the flour industry diversified. When consumers went to the store, they saw bags of flour. However, they also saw bags of cake mix, cookie mix, biscuit mix, pie mix and all sort of delicious things.

I can see the consumer walking down the aisle. I need flour. Wait, I want to make cookies. I had better get some cookie mix. Hold on, there is the cake mix, I had better get that, too. Oh yeah, I need to make that pie. Instead of purchasing one bag, the consumer purchases several bags. Therein lies the trick of product diversification.

All of this came to mind while my wife and I were shopping for clothes. I needed some new stuff, and today was a good day to get it done. We walked into a store, and I found a shirt that I liked. The resulting conversation went something like this.

“I like this shirt.”

“That’s a summer shirt.”

“Ok.”

“You can’t buy a summer shirt.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not summer.”

“What does that have to do with it?”

“You can’t buy it because you can’t wear it.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not summer.”

“We will have another summer. It’s not like we have seen the last one. Besides, why can’t I wear the shirt anytime I want?”

I stopped because I could tell that she was getting upset, but I still did not understand why I could not buy a shirt and wear it whenever I wanted. Then, it hit me.

Product diversification.

Decades ago, someone in Paris or New York came up with a brilliant idea to increase sales. I cannot remember the last time I listened to what someone in Paris or New York had to say, but that is not the point. The point is that the idea has sunk in. It went something like this.

What if we convince people that they need to wear different shirts for every season. Then, our sales will increase every three months. At some point, this will become the style, and people will be afraid to break it because of peer pressure. If they wear the wrong thing, then other people will think they are not out of fashion.

Now, we have summer shirts, winter shirts, spring shirts and fall shirts. Product diversification was an art form. Then, it became fashionable.

 

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Letting My Fingers Do the Typing

20 May

I had this well-structured post ready to roll, but I am not feeling it. Honestly, it seems too mechanical, and I am in a more organic mood. It is a night to let my fingers move over the keyboard and type what comes out of them. It is like playing with a Ouija board. Put your hands on the pointer and see where the energy goes.

In college, my roommates and I decided to break out the Ouija board. It was going good for a while. We asked about the hot girls in our classes and if we had a chance with any of them. We asked stupid questions that college guys ask. Then, one of the roommates asked if the Devil was in the room with us. To make a long story short, we became convinced that our apartment was built on top of an Indian burial ground. Everyone ended up sleeping in the same room.

I think there is a Ouija board somewhere in the house.

Wait, it suddenly got quiet. My wife and stepdaughter had one of those competition shows blaring. I think it was The Voice. It could have been American Idol. Anyway, they turned it off, and things suddenly got quiet. It is almost an eerie quiet.

There is a video on my desk called Rock and Roll: The Early Days. I watched it when I was a kid, and it fascinated me. The rise of the first stars is followed by their fall. Next semester, I am teaching a class on the history of American music and knew that this is something I wanted to show. Unfortunately, it only comes in VHS format. Luckily, we still have VCR’s on campus that work.

The quotation bubble at the corner of the screen just turned orange. That means someone left a comment. I just commented on a few blogs, so it is probably a reply. I got into this blogging business to write and have found that I enjoy reading just as much. It is always good to leave a comment on a post that you find fascinating.

By the way, do you want to know how powerful blogging can be? In my last post, I complained about Nashville not having a proper amphitheater. The Tennessean just unveiled a rendering of Nashville’s new downtown amphitheater. Now, that is power.Amphitheater

I found out about that through my wife’s Facebook. A friend who read the post sent over the link and said I would like it. I do not have Facebook. I am convinced that the Devil my roommate asked the Ouija board about is the one who invented Facebook. Obviously, it does good things, but those only cover up the evil within. Do you know how many problems are started on Facebook? A bunch.

There is a local controversy going on as I type this. A well-known guy has been accused of taking $5 million from people through a fraudulent scheme. There are people on Facebook actually defending him and saying everyone makes mistakes. That is true. We all make mistakes. However, stealing $5 million from people you have known all of your life is not a mistake. It is a calculated crime. Wait, all of that is alleged.

Anyway, it is not my point to talk about an alleged crime. The point is that Facebook makes us too connected. I know it is hypocritical to say because I blog and am on Twitter, but I am going to say it. We were not meant to be that connected to everyone else.

I suppose that I am finished with this string of thought. I should get out of my office and pay attention to other people in the house.

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