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Childhood Memories – Dallas

27 Nov

The death of Larry Hagman brought to mind another television related childhood memory. My family, like many others, was totally addicted to Dallas and the ongoing saga of the Ewing clan.

The family that preys together stays together.

The family consisted of characters that defined a city, a network and a decade. Of course, Hagman was the star as J.R. Ewing, oldest and most devious son. He went after oil and women with the same furor.

However, Jock, the patriarch played by Jim Davis, truly led the family. I always thought that the show lost something when Davis passed away. I also felt bad because Davis had spent a career as a character actor before finally gaining a starring role.

When Jock died, Miss Ellie took over as leader of the family. Barbara Bel Geddes, a veteran actress, played her as a motherly figure with a streak of toughness. She was the real owner of Southfork Ranch.

Patrick Duffy played Bobby, the other son who worked in the oil business. He was not a ruthless or as smart as J.R., but he was a Ewing and could do what needed to be done.

Pamela, played by Victoria Principal, was Bobby’s wife. The first episode showed why this was such a big deal. Bobby eloped and came home with the daughter of Digger Barnes, Jock’s archenemy, and the sister of Cliff Barnes, J.R.’s archenemy.

Speaking of wives, Sue Ellen, played by Linda Gray, was the former beauty queen and long-suffering spouse of J.R. He chased women, and she responded by getting drunk. However, Sue Ellen fought back by having a few affairs of her own.

Lucy, played by Charlene Tilton, was another Ewing at Southfork. She was the daughter of Gary Ewing, the son who couldn’t stand the oil business and escaped to Knots Landing. As a growing boy, she was my favorite character.

Steve Kanaly played Ray Krebbs, Jock’s favorite ranch hand. He started out as an evil character but transformed into a good guy. The series began with him in the hayloft with Lucy, but later it is discovered that he was her uncle.

I remember all of those characters well, but a few other things stand out in my childhood memory. One was the opening credits with the classic Dallas theme. It interspersed scenes from the city of Dallas with the characters, and I couldn’t wait until they showed the field of my favorite team, the Dallas Cowboys. When my dad took me to a game in Texas Stadium, part of me thought I would see J.R. at the game.

I also remember “Who Shot J.R.?”, the original cliffhanger. Everybody spent the summer wondering who shot him. What stands out to me? I figured it out. It was Kristin Shepard, Sue Ellen’s sister. Want some real trivia? Kristin was played by Mary Crosby, the daughter of Bing Crosby.

So, there is my ode to Dallas. Rest in Peace, Larry Hagman. You brought us some great memories. If J.R. could have bought Jeannie from Tony Nelson, then there’s no telling what he could have accomplished.

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The Television Guide

20 Nov

A few posts ago, I wrote about the wonders of television in the early years of cable. Everyone was amazed when we could watch more than three channels, and there seemed to be an endless supply of on air entertainment. However, it wasn’t long before we began to complain about nothing on television to watch.

Well, these days we have Direct TV and hundreds of channels, and people still complain about nothing to watch. I know that I complain about it, anyway.

I would rather have them guide me.

With nothing better to write about, I decided to page through the channel guide and see what comes on at 9:00 tonight. There could be something on.

ABC – Castle (never saw it before)

Public Television – The Dust Bowl (by Ken Burns)

CNN – Anderson Cooper 360 (cancelled his daytime show because he’s a vampire)

See his fangs emerging?

ESPN News – SportsCenter (for the 18th time today)

MLB – To Be Announced (realized nobody watches MLB baseball anyway)

NBC Sports – Poker After Dark (a show I would actually watch)

Especially when she is playing.

Liquidation Channel – Gift Spectacular (skip Black Friday)

Food Network – Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives (met a woman this week who called it Triple D)

I think it would be a good idea to open a restaurant in New York City.

E! – Nicki Minaj: My Truth (admits that she sucks)

Home Shopping Network – Twiggy London Fashions (Did Twiggy eat herself to death?)

Twiggy, the first supermodel.

TNT – The Mentalist (one of a million crime-solving shows)

We – Roseanne (Ugh!)

I’ll say it again. Ugh!

A&E – Intervention (watch someone else’s suffering to make yourself feel better)

TLC – Breaking Amish: The Shunning Truth: Extended Episode (only a special episode would include two colons)

ID – Disappeared (solve a non-fictional crime this time)

Disney – Good Luck Charlie (probably going to need it to be a successful Disney star like Brittney)

Nickelodeon – Drake & Josh (has any Nick star gained more fame?)

ION – Criminal Minds (another crime-solving show)

Can we catch the sadistic killer within the next hour?

NOVA – Programming Will Return (out to lunch)

BET – Mama, I Want to Sing (girl goes from church choir to pop star – hope it ends better than Whitney’s story)

VH1 – Marrying the Game (yeah, I’m not sure)

C-SPAN – Tonight From Washington (pulls the money directly from your pocket and into the Beltway)

Carrying the load, man. Carrying the load.

The Weather Channel – Weather Center Live (what do they do without a natural disaster?)

Daystar – Jesse Duplantis (evangelist that I’ve never heard of – bad for a Bible Belt resident)

BYU TV – The Song That Changed My Life (followed by The Many Wives of Dobie Gillis)

AUDIENCE – Blackberry Smoke (southern rock)

HBO2 – Seabiscuit (a guy in high school was nicknamed Seabiscuit)

HBOLatin – Epitafios (Argentinian crime-solving show)

Where are all the hot women from the Mexican soap operas?

Cinemax 5 – Something Borrowed (Cinemax After Dark has better romantic-comedies)

Starz – Martin Lawrence Presents 1st Amendment Standup (the Constitution is always a good comedic source)

Starz Cinema – Made in Dagenham (a classic starring Sally Hawkins)

Encore Suspense – Diagnosis Murder (Dick Van Dyke is a doctor who does not trip over stools)

Showtime – Primary Colors (Clinton did that stuff before he was president, too?)

Don’t worry. I’ve don’t this a bunch of times. Have a cigar.

Showtime Next – Leaves of Grass (about a professor who fights crime)

Flix – The Deer Hunter (used loaded guns in the Russian Roulette scene)

Method Acting.

MGM – Kiss the Bride (would rather watch an Argentinian crime-solving show)

Palladia – Palladia Special (no information available)

I think I will skip all of that and get on the treadmill.

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Childhood Memories – TBS

16 Nov

When this blog was in its infancy, there were a couple of posts called Childhood Memories. One was about my parents taking me to an Elvis concert. Another was about the cross-country trips that my family took every summer. Yet, another was about our weekend excursions to Gatlinburg. It’s been a while since Childhood Memories made an appearance, and I felt it was time to bring it back out.

I remember how great it was when we first got cable television. No longer was I limited to three real channels and a fuzzy PBS. There was much more television to explore. Australian Rules Football on ESPN. Cheap looking news sets on CNN. Slime pouring from the sky on Nickelodeon. It was a potpourri over never before seen material.

However, a lot of cable channels were filled with before seen shows. Reruns of shows that had faded into off air oblivion only to be revised as time fillers. Some, like My Little Margie, went back to my mom’s formative years, but most were the shows that my older brother grew up with. Gilligan’s Island. The Munsters. The Andy Griffith Show (my all-time favorite). The list goes on and on.

Everyday brought adventures that had been replayed countless times, but my favorite cable watching time was Sunday mornings. Before getting ready to go to church, I would hop in a chair; cover up in a blanket; and turn it to TBS. First, I watched The Three Stooges beat the crap out of each other. People talk about violence on television these days, but I don’t think anything is like seeing a guy get hit over the head with a crowbar.

Going against the grain, I liked the Shemp version of the Stooges a lot better than the Curly version. Curly worked at being funny, but Shemp brought it naturally.

The best of the Stooges.

Moe was just meaner than Hell, and I am not sure what role Larry was trying to play. Whatever the case, I watched The Three Stooges religiously on Sunday mornings.

However, that was just the opening act for the true reason to watch TBS. When the Stooges got out of their jams, it was time to watch the Robinson family never get out of theirs. I was fascinated by Lost in Space. Will and Robot. Don and Judy. John and Maureen. Penny. Dr. Zachary Smith. Heck, the Jupiter 2 was a character all its own.

They are not Swiss, but they are the Robinson’s.

It was an awesome show, but here is the thing. Just as I liked Shemp better than Curly. I liked the black and white Lost in Space better than the color one. The black and white version had a seriousness to it. The first episode was a realistic glimpse into the space program. There was suspense as Dr. Smith and Robot were out to destroy to mission. When the family found themselves lost on unknown planets, danger faced them at every turn. A trip in the Chariot meant avoided whirlpools, earthquakes and giant aliens. I can’t describe how cool it was.

Then, the show changed. It went to color and the aliens became pastel colored vegetables and interplanetary carnival barkers. Dr. Smith became a comedic character who constantly fought with Robot. Each episode was filled with lines like:

“You bubble-headed booby!”

“Oh, the pain, the pain.”

In short, it went the way to The Three Stooges. I read that the show changed because it had to compete with Adam West’s campy version of Batman. It wasn’t a good decision, but hindsight is 20/20.

When Lost in Space was over, it was time to get ready for church. As I sat in the pew drawing on offering envelopes, I though about Stooges poking the eyes out of each other and Robot saying, “Danger, Will Robinson!” The whole time I was wishing that I was back home watching TBS. I remember many episodes from those shows, but I don’t remember much about what I heard in church.

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Movie Wisdom – George Peppard Edition

9 Nov

Hollywood did everything it could to make George Peppard a leading man. He appeared in several classic movies but never reached the star status that many had envisioned. In fact, his most enduring role was on “The A-Team”, the action-packed show that introduced the world to Mr. T. Despite this declining career arc, wisdom can be found in the movies of George Peppard.

From Home from the Hill

Be the kind of man that walks around with nothing in his pockets, no identification because everyone knows who you are. No cash because anyone in town would be happy to lend you anything you need. No keys ’cause you don’t keep a lock on a single thing you own. And no watch because time waits on you.

From Breakfast at Tiffany’s

You could always tell what kind of a person a man thinks you are by the earrings he gives you.

It’s useful being top banana in the shock department.

Anyone who ever gave you confidence, you owe them a lot.

It’s better to look at the sky than live there.

From How the West Was Won

Well, it don’t pay to eat too much on an empty stomach.

There ain’t much glory in lookin’ at a man with his guts hanging out.

From The Carpetbaggers

Well, a man is judged by what’s in his head, not in his bed.

From Rough Night in Jericho

Forty nine percent of something is better than a hundred percent of nothing.

The difference between an amateur and a professional: a professional figures out a way to cut down the odds before he makes his move.

A man starts choking a woman is looking to go to hell in a hurry.

If you can’t handle whiskey you shouldn’t drink.

From Damnation Alley

All the dead are dead – and the living are dying.

In previous Movie Wisdom posts, I have purposely avoided television series. After all, it is about the wisdom in movies. However, Peppard played a television detective named Banacek who quoted Polish proverbs. If you like, then you should watch this compilation of those sayings.

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A Renaissance Man

2 Nov

A Renaissance Man is defined as a man who has acquired profound knowledge or proficiency in more than one field, and it is the rare person who can reach this level of accomplishment. Leonardo da Vinci was probably the original Renaissance Man. An inventor, artist and scientist, his name is synonymous with a high level of expertise in many areas.

History has given the world many people who have qualified for such a distinction. Many, like Howard Hughes, are famous, but many more, like Tom Drake, are not. However, I believe that one man, who gained fame in the mid-decades of the 20th Century stands above them all. Who is this Renaissance Man?

Jimmy Dean – singer, actor and businessman.

Jimmy Dean – Renaissance Man

Dean’s singing career started in the 1950s, but he found more success as a radio host, where he discovered stars such as Patsy Cline. In the early 1960s, he found musical success of his own with “Big Bad John“, a country classic that tells the tale of a miner who sacrifices his life to save others during a mining collapse. The fame of this song led to guest hosting stints on The Tonight Show and to The Jimmy Dean Show.

From television, Dean moved into movies and played Willard Whyte, a reclusive billionaire modeled after Howard Hughes (previously mentioned as a Renaissance Man), in Diamonds Are Forever.

Willard Whyte – Fictional Renaissance Man

More memorable than Dean were his bodyguards, Bambi and Thumper.

Guarding a Fictional Renaissance Man

During this time of entertainment success, Dean co-founded the Jimmy Dean Sausage Company and became successful in the food industry. Although he sold the company, Dean’s commercials entertained television viewers for years and made the sausage a household name. It turns out that he was a talented product pitchman, as well.

Jimmy Dean, a true Renaissance Man, passed away in 2010.

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Unsolved Mystery

13 Oct

I’ve had a posting idea in my mind for a few days, but it will have to wait a few days longer because something else cropped up. Yesterday, I looked at the Stats page and saw “Robert Stack Sex”. Somebody actually typed “Robert Stack Sex” into a search engine and found their way to this blog. Now, this brings up a couple of concerns. First, why would anyone search for “Robert Stack Sex”? Second, why would that bring them to the SBI Universe?

Many of you are probably asking, “Who is Robert Stack?” He was an actor who made several good movies in the 1950s, but he found fame and a pop cultural legacy on television. In the early 1960s, Stack played Elliot Ness in The Untouchables.

Elliot “Sex Machine” Ness

Stack gained renewed fame a few decades later as host of Unsolved Mysteries.

Robert “Sex Machine” Stack

In the late 1980s, almost everyone watched this show and heard Stack say “what you are about to see is not a news broadcast”. Well, it may not be a broadcast, but I have some news. Somewhere in the world is a person who wants to know something about Robert Stack and sex. I contemplated this fact as I stared at the screen and the words, “Robert Stack Sex”, were burned into my eyes and concluded that what the searcher was looking for should remain an unsolved mystery. With that in mind, here are a few theories in an attempt to solve the mystery of the “Robert Stack Sex” searcher.

1. The searcher gets off on watching bad actors reenact crimes.

2. The searcher thinks the promo photo of Elliot Ness is an accurate representation of Robert Stack’s, uh, machine gun.

3. The searcher missed the “un” on The Untouchables and believes it is a porn movie about people who are constantly being “touched”.

4. The searcher is waiting the Unsolved Mysteries version of Robert Stack to open his trench coat and flash the screen with his machine gun.

5. The searcher is turned on by people who star in shows that begin with “un”. They imagined the letters in front of words like dressed and zipped and inhibited.

Whatever the case, someone has “Robert Stack Sex” on their mind, and they came here for help.

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YouTubing

14 Sep

I don’t spend very much time on YouTube. Sometimes, my nephews get me to look at funny videos, but that’s for their amusement more than mine. However, I started playing around with it the other night and quickly realized why I have avoided it. YouTube is like following Alice down the rabbit hole. It’s like Hotel California where you can check out but never leave. Each video takes you into a maze of other ones until you can’t remember how it all began.

After several hours, I escaped when my iPad began to run out of battery. I tried to sleep, but the videos replayed through my mind. That’s when I had a blogging idea. I would search the first thing that came to my mind then choose the seventh video on the list. When that video was over, I would choose the seventh video in the list of videos that pop up on the side and see where this YouTubing adventure would take me.

So, here we go. Oh, I know this would be a better experiment if Surrounded by Imbeciles had video capability. Other cool blogs have it, but this site really isn’t that cool.

Hopefully, the site is cooler than this shirt.

Ok, the first thing that pops into my mind – The Eagles. I guess the Hotel California thing inspired me. The seventh video is….Hotel California with lyrics. Shocking, I know. What are “colitas” anyway?

I googled colitas, and this picture came up along with lots of photos of naked Latino women.

Now, on with the show. The seventh sidebar video is Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger with lyrics. There are no images of Rocky, Apollo or Clubber. It’s just a black screen with white letters.

To make up for that omission, here are the three boxing legends.

Going from tough guys to a not so tough guy, we have Michael Jackson and Beat It with lyrics. I’ve always wondered what he was beating exactly.

Hey kid, beat it!

Caught in a Michael Jackson loop, we get the disco era version and Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough. Man, the lyrics really take on a different meaning when you read them.

From here, we go to Hopsin and something called Ill Mind of Hopsin 5. He’s a rapper, and he’s pretty good.

The Man. The Myth. The Hopsin.

Alright, up pops one of my favorites, Eminem. Except, he isn’t rapping. It’s a comedy skit called Eminem Goes Back to High School.

The Oral Presentation

The next video is pretty funny. It’s called White Boy Drops Sick Beat. You have to watch this one.

From here, we get Top 10 Worst Infomercials. I didn’t watch it all, but it starts by showing the advantages of having a Tiddy Bear. Watch, and you will see.

And the Tiddy Bear said, “Hmmph. Urgggh. Mmamm.”

I’ll be honest. I don’t think I can top the Tiddy Bear, so I will just stop there. To recap, we went from Hotel California to Eye of the Tiger to Beat It to Don’t Stop Till you Get Enough to Hopsin to a scholastic Eminem to a white kid beatbox to the Tiddy Bear. Was the YouTubing experiment a success? I don’t know, but it ran my battery down again.

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Poppelgangers

6 Sep

Have you ever noticed that pop culture is a copycat entity? If there is a popular game show that offers a million dollar prize, then other shows are created that offer million dollar prizes. If there is a show about crime scene investigators, then there are other shows where DNA is the secret to solving crimes. This is something that has happened in pop culture since there has been pop culture.

However, there is another phenomenon out there. On that occasion when the stars are aligned correctly, two people will have the same idea at the exact same time. This doesn’t create copycats. It creates poppelgangers, pop cultural twins, that appear and, at times, disappear simultaneously. Like doppelgangers, there is a good one and an evil one. I will list five and distinguish the good from the evil. If you can think of any let me know.

The Addams Family and The Munsters

The family that preys together stays together.

Description: A family of monsters lives in a mansion and faces daily hijinks that the audience is supposed to laugh at.

Good Twin: The Munsters – Based on classic movie monsters, this show had some truly funny episodes. On top of that, they had a cool car and a cool, guitar-driven theme song. Plus, there was Herman’s forehead and the lovely Yvonne De Carlo, one of the hottest actresses who ever graced the screen.

Evil Twin: The Addams Family – First, it was based on some kind of comic instead of literary characters. Second, the characters were too weird and gave me a headache each time I watched it. I give it props for having a memorable theme song and having Carolyn Jones all tangled up in goth. I have a thing for goth, but it’s not enough.

Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie

In a magical showdown, they used the “turn your enemy into a doll” trick simultaneously.

Description: A hot blonde with magical powers gets her man in trouble on a weekly basis with those magical powers.

Good Twin: This is a difficult one, but I am going with I Dream of Jeannie. Barbara Eden’s outfit was very revealing and her pillow-filled living space looked like a good place to….rest. Larry Hagman played her master, which prepared him for role of power-broker J.R. Ewing in Dallas. The show was also propaganda for the space program. USA! USA!

Evil Twin: It pains me to say it, but it has to be Bewitched. Derwood, Dagwood, Darren. Whatever his name was, he was played by two actors. That’ll mess up a show every time. Elizabeth Montgomery was awesome, but I would have liked to seen more of her. One of those witchy Halloween costumes would have helped. However, what truly made this evil was the inclusion of Agnes Morehead, her mother, and Paul Lynde.

Tombstone and Wyatt Earp

Don’t shoot the messenger, but you have some food stuck in your moustache.

Description: Wyatt Earp gets everyone shot at the OK Corral except for himself. Afterwards, he goes on a vengeful campaign to kill the people who killed his brother.

Good Twin: This is another tough decision because I like both. However, Tombstone is the good twin. Why? Val Kilmer is an awesome Doc Holliday, and he utters cool line after cool line. In addition, I believe this movie shows a more accurate portrayal of the gunfight. The historian in me had to say that.

Evil Twin: While Val Kilmer makes a better Doc Holliday, Kevin Costner makes a better Wyatt Earp. That should put this movie in the “good” category, but there just isn’t enough there. One more thing, it’s too long. The foreshadow scene at the beginning and the flashback scene at the end could have been done away with.

The Matrix and The Thirteenth Floor

Everyone has seen The Matrix poster, so here is The Thirteenth Floor poster. Pretty cool, huh?

Description: A computer expert discovers that his world is actually a computer program.

Good Twin: The Thirteenth Floor. Never heard of it? That’s because The Matrix explosion obliterated it. But, I don’t care about that. The Thirteenth Floor has three levels of “reality”. There is the one that the computer guy lives in. There is the one he travels into. Then, there is future Los Angeles that he ends up in. It also has Gretchen Mol, and you can’t go wrong with that.

Evil Twin: The Matrix. First, Keanu Reeves is the savior of mankind. I don’t feel good about our prospects in that scenario. Sure, Laurence Fishburne makes things cool, but wouldn’t you have rather seen Samuel L. Jackson in that role. “AGENT SMITH! I’M GOING TO FUCK YOU UP!”

The Brady Bunch and The Partridge Family

Please, just don’t sing.

Description: A family full of kids that wear primary-colored clothes get into crazy situations and sometimes sing.

Good Twin: This is an easy one because The Brady Bunch was awesome. Marcia was so much of a knockout that she got Joe Namath and Davey Jones to come to the house. The other kids were a little whiny, but the relationship between Alice and Sam the Butcher made up for that. Behind the scenes, the oldest son was making a play for the mom. How can you beat a story like that? Enquiring minds want to know.

Evil Twin: The Partridge Family was another show that gave me a headache. That red-headed kid was a disaster, and Shirley Jones could not hold a candle to Florence Henderson. The manager was kind of creepy. The one daughter was cool, but the entire show would have been a lot better if they didn’t sing so much. Oh yeah, the bus was ok if you were going to Woodstock.

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Cartoons Do It Better

14 Jul

Tonight, I saw The Amazing Spider-Man, the top ranked movie at the moment. It was a good movie and was very entertaining. However, this is the second installment of Spider-Man in recent years, and both face a problem. It doesn’t matter who stars – Tobey Macguire or Andrew Garfield. It doesn’t matter if it’s in 3-D or on IMAX. It doesn’t matter how many cameos Stan Lee has. No Spider-Man can compete with this one.

I grew up watching reruns of the 1960s cartoon version of the superhero. The background was frozen, and the characters barely moved. But, I couldn’t wait to see what villain would show up next. The Green Goblin was my favorite.

He had an awesome flying cycle and threw flaming jack-o-lanterns. At least, they looked like jack-o-lanterns to me.

However, the coolest part was the theme song that stuck into the minds of kids everywhere. So cool, it was covered by The Ramones. You know the beat, and you know the words.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man

Does whatever a spider can:

Spins a web, any size,

Catches thieves just like flies–

Look out: Here comes the Spider-Man.

Is he strong?

Listen bud,

He’s got radioactive blood.

Can he swing from a thread?

Take a look overhead;

Hey there– There goes the Spider-Man.

In the chill of night

At the scene of a crime

Like a streak of light

He arrives just in time.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man

Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

Wealth and fame He’s ignored

Action is his reward.

To him, life is a great big bang up

Wherever there’s a hang up

You’ll find the Spider-Man.

And remember, the cartoon is always IN COLOR.

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In Memory of Andy Griffith

3 Jul

Yesterday, I watched the last episode of Centennial, which featured Andy Griffith. This morning I woke to the news that Andy Griffith had died. Everything that can be written will show up on the Internet in the next several hours, and there is not much that I can add. Except, The Andy Griffith Show is my favorite television show, and he portrayed my favorite television dad.

In the early days of this blog, I wrote a post about my fascination with his show, and I feel that it is appropriate to link it here.

Rest in Peace Mr. Griffith. You provided millions with laughter and enjoyment.

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