Tag Archives: Las Vegas

Never Been to Spain

1 Jul

Today, we are supposed to be in Barcelona, but, as many of you know, we had to cancel the trip. Instead, we are going about our usual business and getting ready for a long weekend. For some reason, all of this makes me think of Three Dog Night. They had a song called “Never Been to Spain,” which is apt for a time like this. We have still never been to Spain.Three Dog Night

It also mentions never being to England, but I have actually been there. It also mentions heading to Las Vegas and to Needles. As it turns out, I have also been to those two places. There are also some lines about Oklahoma and Heaven. I have been to Oklahoma, but I have not been to Heaven. I just hope that I get to Spain before that.

Anyway, here are the lyrics to “Never Been to Spain

Well, I’ve never been to Spain
But I kinda like the music
Say the ladies are insane there
And they sure know how to use it

They don’t abuse it
Never gonna lose it
I can’t refuse it

Well, I’ve never been to England
But I kinda like the Beatles
Well, I headed for Las Vegas
Only made it out to Needles

Can you feel it?
Must be near it
Feels so good
Oh, it feels so good

Well, I’ve never been to heaven
But I’ve been to Oklahoma
Oh, they tell me I was born there
But I really don’t remember

In Oklahoma, not Arizona
What does it matter?
What does it matter?

Oh, I’ve never been to Spain
But I kinda like the music
Say the ladies are insane there
And they sure know how to use it

They don’t abuse it
Never gonna lose it
I can’t refuse it, oh, oh

Well, I’ve never been to heaven
But I’ve been to Oklahoma
Well, they tell me I was born there
But I really don’t remember

In Oklahoma, not Arizona
What does it matter?
What does it matter?

There Is Not Much Quite Like

27 Feb

While walking on the treadmill, I started thinking about how lucky I have been. That luck has come in numerous ways, but I was specifically thinking about travel. My mind went to some of the great places I have visited and the great sights I have seen.

There is not much quite like…

drinking wine in the chateau of Inglenook Vineyards.Honeymoon 016

catching the sun set over the buttes of Monument Valley.West 2010 232

hearing the water break on the USS Arizona Memorial at Pearl Harbor.

leaving an offering at the grave of Wild Bill Hickok in Deadwood, South Dakota.

watching the Potomac River flow behind George Washington’s home at Mount Vernon.

feeling the power of water rushing over Niagara Falls.

zip-lining through the trees of north Georgia.

climbing the mesa at Ghost Ranch and looking the landscape often painted by Georgia O’Keefe.SONY DSC

sitting on the porch of the Old Faithful Lodge and watching buffalo roam through the geysers.

lying in the grass of Jackson Square and eating a beignet from Cafe Du Monde.

floating down the Rhine River and looking at the castle ruins passing by.

staring at the presidential faces of Mount Rushmore.

playing Blackjack at a Las Vegas table and watching the chips come and go.

touring Graceland and seeing The Outlaw Josey Wales playing in the TV Room.

hanging out on a beach in Cancun and watching my stepdaughter play volleyball.Cancun - Volleyball

strolling through the Vatican and trying to get a glimpse of the pope.

reading a book by a pool in Costa Rica.

climbing a waterfall in Jamaica.

being mesmerized by the killer whales and bald eagles in Glacier Bay.

dancing to “Me and Mrs. Jones” in a nightclub in Chicago.

standing in silence at the bombing memorial in Oklahoma City.SONY DSC

trying to see the tops of the Giant Sequoia in California.

driving through Hereford, Texas and passing thousands of head of cattle.

betting on Jai Alai in Florida.

lounging on the couch and watching television with my wife.

My Favorite Search Term of All Time

23 Apr

It is always interesting to see how people find their way to this blog. Like most bloggers, I look through the search terms and come away amazed at some of the stuff that gets typed in. At times, I wonder how they got here, and that’s when I search it to find the trail from them to me.

Recently, a search term popped up, and there was no reason to go looking for it. I knew exactly how it led them here. It is probably my favorite search term of all time, and I am proud to claim it as part of the Surrounded by Imbeciles experience. What could be so great? Take a gander at this.

where is all the whores in tunica ms

It is great on so many levels, but you must understand that it is not a surprise. I have written about Tunica, the gambling capital of the south. I have also written about whores. In fact, I have written about whores more than once. Therefore, if someone is looking for a prostitute in Tunica, then a search engine will bring them to me. It really is something to be proud of.

Here’s the thing, though. I have been to Tunica countless times, and I have never seen someone who I thought was a working girl. That doesn’t mean they are not there. Heck, there’s lots of money in Tunica, so it only makes sense that prostitutes would be there to get some of it. I just haven’t noticed them. Of course, it could be that I haven’t seen anyone that I thought should be paid for sex. Unless the guy (I assume it was a guy) on the prowl is fond of the Hoveround type.

Put in a quarter, and it will vibrate.

Put in a quarter, and it will vibrate.

Simply, Tunica is not the place to go to find a whore. Want to eat at Paula Deen’s? Go to Tunica. Want to play some Blackjack? Go to Tunica. Want to see people smoke a cigarette while wearing an oxygen mask? Go to Tunica. Want to have a high-class escort for the weekend? Don’t go to Tunica. Go to Las Vegas!!!

Although prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas, escorts can be found everywhere. In fact, I used to make a game out of it and see if I could guess who was and who wasn’t. There is this one little casino that is kind of a dive. When I go in, I always get a Blackjack seat close to the bar. That way I can watch the people and figure out what is going on. It’s easy to see a woman walk in alone and walk out with someone in a matter of minutes. It is even easier when she makes her way back.

It’s a little more difficult in the larger casinos. These places don’t want the women hanging around, and security is everywhere. That means that the women at the bar have to be more discreet. It also means that many escorts arrive with their clients. If a man and woman walk into a casino together, then how can you prove that she is getting paid? Of course, there can be suspicions. When an 80-year-old man walks in with a 25-year-old woman who looks like she stepped out of a magazine, something is up.

To help the person who searched – where is all the whores in tunica ms – I have some advice.

1. Don’t look for a whore in Tunica. Go to Paula Deen’s buffet instead. You will get more bang for your buck.

2. If you want to find a whore in a casino, then go to Las Vegas. Just sit at a bar by yourself and see what happens.

3. Try to find a prostitute who has a degree in English.

She can also help you with your Longfellow.

She can also help you with your Longfellow.

Once your few seconds are up, she can help with your sentence structure.

Listeria – Travelogue Edition

17 Oct

The latest issue of Travel and Leisure has an article called “101 Places Every Traveler Should Know”. As you know, I am a freak for lists, so I scanned the article to see which ones I have visited. The following is my personal list from the 101, along with a three word synopsis of each.

The Road to Somewhere

2. Maine – lots of lobster

7. Las Vegas – please read this

14. New York City – too many people

17. Kauai, Hawaii – most beautiful island

24. London – where’s the queen?

26. Jackson Hole, Wyoming – outdoor adventures galore

27. Salmon River, Idaho – riding rapids rapidly

33. San Francisco – tour Alcatraz Island

40. Miami – hot women everywhere

41. Los Angeles – seeing fallen stars

45. Napa Valley – vine to bottle

49. British Virgin Islands – hitting the bars

51. Chicago – my favorite city

54. Charleston, South Carolina – history and food

55. Amsterdam – red light district

59. Big Island, Hawaii – lots of lava

60. Sedona, Arizona – get some crystals

68. Venice – birdshit never dries

78. Yosemite National Park – beauty beyond belief

89. Rome – ancient and modern

95. New Orleans – varieties of decadence

The Senator in the Coonskin Hat

17 Sep

Did you know that a Tennessean tried to end gambling in Las Vegas? Estes Kefauver was born in Madisonville, Tennessee and practiced law in Chattanooga. Interested in politics, he won a seat in the House of Representatives in 1939 and became a Senator in 1949. Kefauver’s trademark was wearing a coonskin hat.

During his time in the Senate, Kefauver became chairman of the Special Committee on Organized Crime and used this seat as a platform to gain national exposure. He attacked the influence of organized crime in the casinos of Las Vegas and urged the federal government to put a stop to legalized gambling in Nevada.

In 1952, Kefauver attempted to take advantage of his nationwide fame by running for president. His campaign failed, as did a run for the vice presidency in 1956. If Estes Kefauver had succeeded in his fight against legalized gambling, then what happens in Vegas would…not be all that much.

One Night in Vegas

4 Sep

Crazy stuff happens in Las Vegas. Just ask Prince Harry or the guys from The Hangover. It’s a place where you expect the unexpected. It could be something tame like locking your keys in the car at Hoover Dam – with the car running. Or, it could be something crazy like, I don’t know, getting a bunch of women to visit your suite and play strip billiards. Whatever the case, it seems that everyone who goes to Vegas comes back with a story.

This is the story from my last visit.

As the cab took us to check in at The Mirage, the hotel with the erupting volcano in front of it, my girlfriend noticed the sign in front of Caesar’s Palace. Elton John was performing that week, and she wanted to go badly.

I never understood what a volcano had to do with a desert mirage.

After getting the room situated, we walked through the mall at Caesar’s and made our way to the box office. The Caesar’s mall is designed to look like the Roman Forum and is filled with fancy stores. Since the Roman Forum was outside, this mall is designed to look like its outside.

It never rains in the mall at Caesar’s Palace.

The lady at the box office said that the show was sold out, but we might have an opportunity to get in. The first three rows were reserved for high rollers, and they probably wouldn’t fill all of the seats. If we would come back a few minutes before the start of the show we could get a couple of those seats.

We went back to the box office ten minutes before showtime and got third row seats FOR FREE. We walked down there like we were somebody. If the people in the upper deck only knew. Anyway, the show was great. Elton John’s piano was right in front of us, and the stage wasn’t very tall. It was like seeing him in a piano bar. They showed cool videos with each song, and he explained what each one meant.

Then, the usher walked up and tapped me on the shoulder. I thought this is it. Some high roller decided that he wanted the tickets, and we were going to get kicked out. Instead, the usher said:

“During the next song, you need to go onstage.”


“During the next song, everyone in the first three rows gets to go onstage and dance.”

When the next song started, I grabbed my girlfriend and said, “Let’s go!”

“Where are we going?”

“Up there.”

Dozens of people danced around Elton’s piano as we danced to “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting“. The linked video shows a similar scene. I hung around the lead guitarist because I wanted to see what he was doing. Balloons fell around us as Elton played and sang. It was one of the coolest things ever.

Yep, it didn’t take long to get from “Light Blue 4” to the stage.

When we got back home, I told everybody about it. Some thought we made it up. Others thought it was cool. My more close-minded friends went another direction with stuff like:

“Did Elton get your number?”

“I bet they only invited guys up there.”

“I hope you stuck close to your girlfriend.”

You know, crap like that. I don’t care. I still thought it was great.

As we left the concert, my girlfriend and I were still talking about being onstage. We walked through the mall to get back to The Mirage and were not paying attention to where we were going. As we turned a corner, I literally ran into this guy.

Hey, what the fuck?

That’s right. After dancing around Elton John’s piano, I almost knocked over Ozzy Osbourne.

I didn’t get anyone to play strip billiards with me, but that was my best night in Las Vegas.