Tag Archives: Television

What Is This Post About?

17 Mar

There’s not much going on in my head tonight. No words of wisdom. No original blogging ideas. Heck, I’m not even sure why I turned on the computer and logged into WordPress. It could be that I got tired of watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on BBC America. The episode that just ended saw Geordi turn into an alien. The next episode has Barkley turning into a superhuman. It seems that everyone is always turning into something on that show.

I went to a couple of sessions of the Southeastern Conference basketball tournament this week. My team lost, and the other games weren’t very exciting, either. Probably, the most exciting part about the week was finding myself behind a Fisker Karma. Don’t worry. I also didn’t know what it was, but I looked up the price. Base: $94,000.

The Karma

The Karma

I hope the driver remembers that Karma is a bitch sometimes.

For some reason, Eric Cartman just entered my head.Eric CartmanI haven’t seen Southpark in a long time. Unlike Star Trek: The Next Generation, they don’t turn into different things on that show. They do a lot of funny crap, though.

Oh, there’s this other thing that popped into my head. The Moody Blues recorded an album called Days of Future Past that I have always been fascinated with.Moody Blues

It’s a concept album that takes the listener through the day from morning until night. Each song is about a certain time of day. The album includes Nights in White Satin and other songs, but it begins and ends with poetry. Those poems are what has fascinated me.

The Day Begins

Cold hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colours from our sight
Red is gray and yellow, white
But we decide which is right
And which is an illusion

Pinprick holes in a colourless sky
Let insipid figures of light pass by
The mighty light of ten thousand suns
Challenges infinity and is soon gone
Night time, to some a brief interlude
To others the fear of solitude

Brave Helios, wake up your steeds
Bring the warmth the countryside needs

Late Lament

Breathe deep the gathering gloom
Watch lights fade from every room
Bedsitter people look back and lament
Another day’s useless energy spent

Impassioned lovers wrestle as one
Lonely man cries for love and has none
New mother picks up and suckles her son
Senior citizens wish they were young

Cold hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colours from our sight
Red is grey and yellow, white
But we decide which is right
And which is an illusion

So, what is this post about?

It’s about a car that is a bitch to pay for and could be a bitch to drive.

It’s about Eric Cartman, one of the great authority figures of our time.

It’s about the poetry of the Moody Blues.

It’s about needing to write something and just letting stuff pour onto the screen.

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Master Control

4 Mar

Back in the 80s, there was a television show called The Equalizer, which starred Edward Woodward as Robert McCall.The Equalizer

He was a former intelligence officer with exquisite tastes and a cool, black Jaguar. Of course, you can’t have a show about a retiree riding around in his car, so McCall placed an ad in the newspaper saying:

Got a Problem?

Odds Against You?

Call the Equalizer.

He got calls from ordinary people caught up in extraordinary situations and calls from people from his intelligence officer past. McCall got all of them out of jams with the help of some old intelligence officer buddies. One of those old friends was my favorite character on the show. He was even more cool than McCall.

Control was the head of McCall’s former agency and always seemed put out by McCall’s need for assistance. It could be that he was put out by his own bow tie.Robert Lansing

I was fascinated by Control because his name fit his persona. This guy only lost his cool when McCall was bugging him. Let a defector show up, and he had it under control. Let bullets fly by, and he was under control. Control was the epitome of control.

I started thinking about this character the other day when I almost lost control for the first time that I can think of. I wouldn’t call myself a control freak with the definition that I need to orchestrate everyone’s lives. However, I have always been a little obsessed with self-control. I was always the kid who followed the rules and didn’t get into trouble. When I hear friends talk about being punished by their parents, I don’t understand because I can’t remember doing anything to get punished.

Heck, the craziest thing I did was major in History. That really upset them.

I guess that’s good, but, as I get older, I regret not losing control a little more. People tell stories about driving the back roads and drinking beer, but I didn’t do that. Others talk about the spectacle that is Spring Break. I went to Europe with my parents. Of course, there are other illicit and illegal activities that people look back on. Guess what, I didn’t partake in that, either.

I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t miss anything by never losing control, but sometimes I think I did. I do know that Control in The Equalizer didn’t seem to be a very fun person. I hope that with my self-control I have been fun than him. At least, I haven’t worn any bow ties.

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They Aren’t John Shaft, But They Are Still Cool

18 Feb

Today, I was driving down the interstate when a red blur went by me. It was a red Ferrari. A couple of thoughts went through my mind.

“Damn, that’s a cool car.”

“Hey, I should blog about cool private investigators on television.”

One thought – obvious. The other one – not so much.

Anyway, here goes with the post. Private investigator shows were a big deal in the 1970s and 1980s, and my parents watched most of them. As a result, I watched them, too. It’s funny how television copies itself. Let one program hit it big, and a bunch more will follow. I guess some detective show must have hit it big because those shows were everywhere.

Obviously, private investigators were cool, but there were several factors that made up the coolness. Most important was a cool opening credits theme song. In fact, it’s impossible to be a cool television investigator without a cool theme song. Other factors can vary. There may be a cool car. There may be a cool assistant or sidekick. There are also bonus points if the show was a Quinn Martin Production with each episode made up of chapters and an epilogue.

With all of that being said, here are some cool television private eyes.

Barnaby Jones – Old? Sure. I never could figure out how he ran down suspects. However, there is a lot of coolness here. Barnaby had a great theme song. He was a Quinn Martin Production. More than that, his secretary was a former Miss America.Barnaby Jones

Jim Rockford – The Rockford Files was one of the coolest shows ever. Rockford lived in a trailer and drove a Firebird. Admittedly, it wasn’t a Trans Am, but everyone has faults. He was also used the latest technology, an answering machine. Oh, he also had a great theme song.Jim Rockford

Thomas Magnum – Magnum was the epitome of cool. Cool theme song. Cool car. Cool friends. Cool house in a cool locale. However, underneath all of that cool was a professional moocher who didn’t really want to do much.Thomas Magnum

Thomas Banacek – I have written a little about Banacek before. He was a “man about town” from Boston who investigated insurance claims along side his street wise chauffeur and a friend who owned a bookstore. Full of old Polish proverbs, he solved the craziest of crimes. His theme song left a lot of be desired. I wonder if there is an old Polish proverb that explains why a cool investigator would operate to lame music.Banacek

Frank Cannon – I have to give Cannon props for being another Quinn Martin Production, but I have to admit that it was rare to see him running down any bad guys. This guy liked to eat and liked to get paid so he could eat more. Cannon had a cool Lincoln Continental, and he lived in New Mexico. Now, that is what I call cool. His theme song was decent.Cannon

It’s because of these guys that I grew up wanting to be a private eye. Heck, it’s a job that can be done no matter who you are.

A former oil baron from the Ozarks.

A gambler from the Old West.

A guy who turned down the role of Indiana Jones.

A movie-making, airplane-building tycoon.

A voice actor who played the Lone Ranger.

These are just a few of the great television private detectives. Do you guys have some favorites?

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Childhood Memories – Dallas

27 Nov

The death of Larry Hagman brought to mind another television related childhood memory. My family, like many others, was totally addicted to Dallas and the ongoing saga of the Ewing clan.

The family that preys together stays together.

The family consisted of characters that defined a city, a network and a decade. Of course, Hagman was the star as J.R. Ewing, oldest and most devious son. He went after oil and women with the same furor.

However, Jock, the patriarch played by Jim Davis, truly led the family. I always thought that the show lost something when Davis passed away. I also felt bad because Davis had spent a career as a character actor before finally gaining a starring role.

When Jock died, Miss Ellie took over as leader of the family. Barbara Bel Geddes, a veteran actress, played her as a motherly figure with a streak of toughness. She was the real owner of Southfork Ranch.

Patrick Duffy played Bobby, the other son who worked in the oil business. He was not a ruthless or as smart as J.R., but he was a Ewing and could do what needed to be done.

Pamela, played by Victoria Principal, was Bobby’s wife. The first episode showed why this was such a big deal. Bobby eloped and came home with the daughter of Digger Barnes, Jock’s archenemy, and the sister of Cliff Barnes, J.R.’s archenemy.

Speaking of wives, Sue Ellen, played by Linda Gray, was the former beauty queen and long-suffering spouse of J.R. He chased women, and she responded by getting drunk. However, Sue Ellen fought back by having a few affairs of her own.

Lucy, played by Charlene Tilton, was another Ewing at Southfork. She was the daughter of Gary Ewing, the son who couldn’t stand the oil business and escaped to Knots Landing. As a growing boy, she was my favorite character.

Steve Kanaly played Ray Krebbs, Jock’s favorite ranch hand. He started out as an evil character but transformed into a good guy. The series began with him in the hayloft with Lucy, but later it is discovered that he was her uncle.

I remember all of those characters well, but a few other things stand out in my childhood memory. One was the opening credits with the classic Dallas theme. It interspersed scenes from the city of Dallas with the characters, and I couldn’t wait until they showed the field of my favorite team, the Dallas Cowboys. When my dad took me to a game in Texas Stadium, part of me thought I would see J.R. at the game.

I also remember “Who Shot J.R.?”, the original cliffhanger. Everybody spent the summer wondering who shot him. What stands out to me? I figured it out. It was Kristin Shepard, Sue Ellen’s sister. Want some real trivia? Kristin was played by Mary Crosby, the daughter of Bing Crosby.

So, there is my ode to Dallas. Rest in Peace, Larry Hagman. You brought us some great memories. If J.R. could have bought Jeannie from Tony Nelson, then there’s no telling what he could have accomplished.

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The Television Guide

20 Nov

A few posts ago, I wrote about the wonders of television in the early years of cable. Everyone was amazed when we could watch more than three channels, and there seemed to be an endless supply of on air entertainment. However, it wasn’t long before we began to complain about nothing on television to watch.

Well, these days we have Direct TV and hundreds of channels, and people still complain about nothing to watch. I know that I complain about it, anyway.

I would rather have them guide me.

With nothing better to write about, I decided to page through the channel guide and see what comes on at 9:00 tonight. There could be something on.

ABC – Castle (never saw it before)

Public Television – The Dust Bowl (by Ken Burns)

CNN – Anderson Cooper 360 (cancelled his daytime show because he’s a vampire)

See his fangs emerging?

ESPN News – SportsCenter (for the 18th time today)

MLB – To Be Announced (realized nobody watches MLB baseball anyway)

NBC Sports – Poker After Dark (a show I would actually watch)

Especially when she is playing.

Liquidation Channel – Gift Spectacular (skip Black Friday)

Food Network – Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives (met a woman this week who called it Triple D)

I think it would be a good idea to open a restaurant in New York City.

E! – Nicki Minaj: My Truth (admits that she sucks)

Home Shopping Network – Twiggy London Fashions (Did Twiggy eat herself to death?)

Twiggy, the first supermodel.

TNT – The Mentalist (one of a million crime-solving shows)

We – Roseanne (Ugh!)

I’ll say it again. Ugh!

A&E – Intervention (watch someone else’s suffering to make yourself feel better)

TLC – Breaking Amish: The Shunning Truth: Extended Episode (only a special episode would include two colons)

ID – Disappeared (solve a non-fictional crime this time)

Disney – Good Luck Charlie (probably going to need it to be a successful Disney star like Brittney)

Nickelodeon – Drake & Josh (has any Nick star gained more fame?)

ION – Criminal Minds (another crime-solving show)

Can we catch the sadistic killer within the next hour?

NOVA – Programming Will Return (out to lunch)

BET – Mama, I Want to Sing (girl goes from church choir to pop star – hope it ends better than Whitney’s story)

VH1 – Marrying the Game (yeah, I’m not sure)

C-SPAN – Tonight From Washington (pulls the money directly from your pocket and into the Beltway)

Carrying the load, man. Carrying the load.

The Weather Channel – Weather Center Live (what do they do without a natural disaster?)

Daystar – Jesse Duplantis (evangelist that I’ve never heard of – bad for a Bible Belt resident)

BYU TV – The Song That Changed My Life (followed by The Many Wives of Dobie Gillis)

AUDIENCE – Blackberry Smoke (southern rock)

HBO2 – Seabiscuit (a guy in high school was nicknamed Seabiscuit)

HBOLatin – Epitafios (Argentinian crime-solving show)

Where are all the hot women from the Mexican soap operas?

Cinemax 5 – Something Borrowed (Cinemax After Dark has better romantic-comedies)

Starz – Martin Lawrence Presents 1st Amendment Standup (the Constitution is always a good comedic source)

Starz Cinema – Made in Dagenham (a classic starring Sally Hawkins)

Encore Suspense – Diagnosis Murder (Dick Van Dyke is a doctor who does not trip over stools)

Showtime – Primary Colors (Clinton did that stuff before he was president, too?)

Don’t worry. I’ve don’t this a bunch of times. Have a cigar.

Showtime Next – Leaves of Grass (about a professor who fights crime)

Flix – The Deer Hunter (used loaded guns in the Russian Roulette scene)

Method Acting.

MGM – Kiss the Bride (would rather watch an Argentinian crime-solving show)

Palladia – Palladia Special (no information available)

I think I will skip all of that and get on the treadmill.

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Childhood Memories – TBS

16 Nov

When this blog was in its infancy, there were a couple of posts called Childhood Memories. One was about my parents taking me to an Elvis concert. Another was about the cross-country trips that my family took every summer. Yet, another was about our weekend excursions to Gatlinburg. It’s been a while since Childhood Memories made an appearance, and I felt it was time to bring it back out.

I remember how great it was when we first got cable television. No longer was I limited to three real channels and a fuzzy PBS. There was much more television to explore. Australian Rules Football on ESPN. Cheap looking news sets on CNN. Slime pouring from the sky on Nickelodeon. It was a potpourri over never before seen material.

However, a lot of cable channels were filled with before seen shows. Reruns of shows that had faded into off air oblivion only to be revised as time fillers. Some, like My Little Margie, went back to my mom’s formative years, but most were the shows that my older brother grew up with. Gilligan’s Island. The Munsters. The Andy Griffith Show (my all-time favorite). The list goes on and on.

Everyday brought adventures that had been replayed countless times, but my favorite cable watching time was Sunday mornings. Before getting ready to go to church, I would hop in a chair; cover up in a blanket; and turn it to TBS. First, I watched The Three Stooges beat the crap out of each other. People talk about violence on television these days, but I don’t think anything is like seeing a guy get hit over the head with a crowbar.

Going against the grain, I liked the Shemp version of the Stooges a lot better than the Curly version. Curly worked at being funny, but Shemp brought it naturally.

The best of the Stooges.

Moe was just meaner than Hell, and I am not sure what role Larry was trying to play. Whatever the case, I watched The Three Stooges religiously on Sunday mornings.

However, that was just the opening act for the true reason to watch TBS. When the Stooges got out of their jams, it was time to watch the Robinson family never get out of theirs. I was fascinated by Lost in Space. Will and Robot. Don and Judy. John and Maureen. Penny. Dr. Zachary Smith. Heck, the Jupiter 2 was a character all its own.

They are not Swiss, but they are the Robinson’s.

It was an awesome show, but here is the thing. Just as I liked Shemp better than Curly. I liked the black and white Lost in Space better than the color one. The black and white version had a seriousness to it. The first episode was a realistic glimpse into the space program. There was suspense as Dr. Smith and Robot were out to destroy to mission. When the family found themselves lost on unknown planets, danger faced them at every turn. A trip in the Chariot meant avoided whirlpools, earthquakes and giant aliens. I can’t describe how cool it was.

Then, the show changed. It went to color and the aliens became pastel colored vegetables and interplanetary carnival barkers. Dr. Smith became a comedic character who constantly fought with Robot. Each episode was filled with lines like:

“You bubble-headed booby!”

“Oh, the pain, the pain.”

In short, it went the way to The Three Stooges. I read that the show changed because it had to compete with Adam West’s campy version of Batman. It wasn’t a good decision, but hindsight is 20/20.

When Lost in Space was over, it was time to get ready for church. As I sat in the pew drawing on offering envelopes, I though about Stooges poking the eyes out of each other and Robot saying, “Danger, Will Robinson!” The whole time I was wishing that I was back home watching TBS. I remember many episodes from those shows, but I don’t remember much about what I heard in church.

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Movie Wisdom – George Peppard Edition

9 Nov

Hollywood did everything it could to make George Peppard a leading man. He appeared in several classic movies but never reached the star status that many had envisioned. In fact, his most enduring role was on “The A-Team”, the action-packed show that introduced the world to Mr. T. Despite this declining career arc, wisdom can be found in the movies of George Peppard.

From Home from the Hill

Be the kind of man that walks around with nothing in his pockets, no identification because everyone knows who you are. No cash because anyone in town would be happy to lend you anything you need. No keys ’cause you don’t keep a lock on a single thing you own. And no watch because time waits on you.

From Breakfast at Tiffany’s

You could always tell what kind of a person a man thinks you are by the earrings he gives you.

It’s useful being top banana in the shock department.

Anyone who ever gave you confidence, you owe them a lot.

It’s better to look at the sky than live there.

From How the West Was Won

Well, it don’t pay to eat too much on an empty stomach.

There ain’t much glory in lookin’ at a man with his guts hanging out.

From The Carpetbaggers

Well, a man is judged by what’s in his head, not in his bed.

From Rough Night in Jericho

Forty nine percent of something is better than a hundred percent of nothing.

The difference between an amateur and a professional: a professional figures out a way to cut down the odds before he makes his move.

A man starts choking a woman is looking to go to hell in a hurry.

If you can’t handle whiskey you shouldn’t drink.

From Damnation Alley

All the dead are dead – and the living are dying.

In previous Movie Wisdom posts, I have purposely avoided television series. After all, it is about the wisdom in movies. However, Peppard played a television detective named Banacek who quoted Polish proverbs. If you like, then you should watch this compilation of those sayings.

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A Renaissance Man

2 Nov

A Renaissance Man is defined as a man who has acquired profound knowledge or proficiency in more than one field, and it is the rare person who can reach this level of accomplishment. Leonardo da Vinci was probably the original Renaissance Man. An inventor, artist and scientist, his name is synonymous with a high level of expertise in many areas.

History has given the world many people who have qualified for such a distinction. Many, like Howard Hughes, are famous, but many more, like Tom Drake, are not. However, I believe that one man, who gained fame in the mid-decades of the 20th Century stands above them all. Who is this Renaissance Man?

Jimmy Dean – singer, actor and businessman.

Jimmy Dean – Renaissance Man

Dean’s singing career started in the 1950s, but he found more success as a radio host, where he discovered stars such as Patsy Cline. In the early 1960s, he found musical success of his own with “Big Bad John“, a country classic that tells the tale of a miner who sacrifices his life to save others during a mining collapse. The fame of this song led to guest hosting stints on The Tonight Show and to The Jimmy Dean Show.

From television, Dean moved into movies and played Willard Whyte, a reclusive billionaire modeled after Howard Hughes (previously mentioned as a Renaissance Man), in Diamonds Are Forever.

Willard Whyte – Fictional Renaissance Man

More memorable than Dean were his bodyguards, Bambi and Thumper.

Guarding a Fictional Renaissance Man

During this time of entertainment success, Dean co-founded the Jimmy Dean Sausage Company and became successful in the food industry. Although he sold the company, Dean’s commercials entertained television viewers for years and made the sausage a household name. It turns out that he was a talented product pitchman, as well.

Jimmy Dean, a true Renaissance Man, passed away in 2010.

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Unsolved Mystery

13 Oct

I’ve had a posting idea in my mind for a few days, but it will have to wait a few days longer because something else cropped up. Yesterday, I looked at the Stats page and saw “Robert Stack Sex”. Somebody actually typed “Robert Stack Sex” into a search engine and found their way to this blog. Now, this brings up a couple of concerns. First, why would anyone search for “Robert Stack Sex”? Second, why would that bring them to the SBI Universe?

Many of you are probably asking, “Who is Robert Stack?” He was an actor who made several good movies in the 1950s, but he found fame and a pop cultural legacy on television. In the early 1960s, Stack played Elliot Ness in The Untouchables.

Elliot “Sex Machine” Ness

Stack gained renewed fame a few decades later as host of Unsolved Mysteries.

Robert “Sex Machine” Stack

In the late 1980s, almost everyone watched this show and heard Stack say “what you are about to see is not a news broadcast”. Well, it may not be a broadcast, but I have some news. Somewhere in the world is a person who wants to know something about Robert Stack and sex. I contemplated this fact as I stared at the screen and the words, “Robert Stack Sex”, were burned into my eyes and concluded that what the searcher was looking for should remain an unsolved mystery. With that in mind, here are a few theories in an attempt to solve the mystery of the “Robert Stack Sex” searcher.

1. The searcher gets off on watching bad actors reenact crimes.

2. The searcher thinks the promo photo of Elliot Ness is an accurate representation of Robert Stack’s, uh, machine gun.

3. The searcher missed the “un” on The Untouchables and believes it is a porn movie about people who are constantly being “touched”.

4. The searcher is waiting the Unsolved Mysteries version of Robert Stack to open his trench coat and flash the screen with his machine gun.

5. The searcher is turned on by people who star in shows that begin with “un”. They imagined the letters in front of words like dressed and zipped and inhibited.

Whatever the case, someone has “Robert Stack Sex” on their mind, and they came here for help.

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YouTubing

14 Sep

I don’t spend very much time on YouTube. Sometimes, my nephews get me to look at funny videos, but that’s for their amusement more than mine. However, I started playing around with it the other night and quickly realized why I have avoided it. YouTube is like following Alice down the rabbit hole. It’s like Hotel California where you can check out but never leave. Each video takes you into a maze of other ones until you can’t remember how it all began.

After several hours, I escaped when my iPad began to run out of battery. I tried to sleep, but the videos replayed through my mind. That’s when I had a blogging idea. I would search the first thing that came to my mind then choose the seventh video on the list. When that video was over, I would choose the seventh video in the list of videos that pop up on the side and see where this YouTubing adventure would take me.

So, here we go. Oh, I know this would be a better experiment if Surrounded by Imbeciles had video capability. Other cool blogs have it, but this site really isn’t that cool.

Hopefully, the site is cooler than this shirt.

Ok, the first thing that pops into my mind – The Eagles. I guess the Hotel California thing inspired me. The seventh video is….Hotel California with lyrics. Shocking, I know. What are “colitas” anyway?

I googled colitas, and this picture came up along with lots of photos of naked Latino women.

Now, on with the show. The seventh sidebar video is Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger with lyrics. There are no images of Rocky, Apollo or Clubber. It’s just a black screen with white letters.

To make up for that omission, here are the three boxing legends.

Going from tough guys to a not so tough guy, we have Michael Jackson and Beat It with lyrics. I’ve always wondered what he was beating exactly.

Hey kid, beat it!

Caught in a Michael Jackson loop, we get the disco era version and Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough. Man, the lyrics really take on a different meaning when you read them.

From here, we go to Hopsin and something called Ill Mind of Hopsin 5. He’s a rapper, and he’s pretty good.

The Man. The Myth. The Hopsin.

Alright, up pops one of my favorites, Eminem. Except, he isn’t rapping. It’s a comedy skit called Eminem Goes Back to High School.

The Oral Presentation

The next video is pretty funny. It’s called White Boy Drops Sick Beat. You have to watch this one.

From here, we get Top 10 Worst Infomercials. I didn’t watch it all, but it starts by showing the advantages of having a Tiddy Bear. Watch, and you will see.

And the Tiddy Bear said, “Hmmph. Urgggh. Mmamm.”

I’ll be honest. I don’t think I can top the Tiddy Bear, so I will just stop there. To recap, we went from Hotel California to Eye of the Tiger to Beat It to Don’t Stop Till you Get Enough to Hopsin to a scholastic Eminem to a white kid beatbox to the Tiddy Bear. Was the YouTubing experiment a success? I don’t know, but it ran my battery down again.

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