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The Entrance to Hell Has a Drive-Thru Window

29 Jul

This morning, I took my stepdaughter to Dunkin’ Donuts before volleyball practice. It has become a ritual for us. Anyway, I drove behind the building to find a ton of cars lined up for the drive-thru window and decided to go inside, where we found almost no one.

One of our neighbors was drinking coffee, and a lady was waiting to take orders. Only, there were no orders to be taken. They were all being handled by the people rushing around the drive-thru window.

We ordered our food and got in the car while the same cars waited around the building. As I drove down the road, a question entered my mind. In truth, I have asked the question before.

Why do people sit in a long drive-thru line when it would be quicker to park the car and go inside?Line

It could be laziness. It could be that we have been brainwashed to think that the drive-thru is always going to be faster. It could be that they do not know how to park their cars.

There may need tons of reasons, but I cannot figure it out. I may not be smart enough to tell time, or I may not be able to figure out the fancy math that will tell me sitting in the car is always best. Of course, it could be my disdain for drive-thru windows.

In the early days of this blog, I wrote about the stupidity of having drive-thru windows at Sonic. However, the invention also has problems at other places.

Often, the person who is wearing the drive-thru headset cannot hear the order. That leads to the order coming out wrong. A wrong order means you have to get out of your car and go inside. Guess what. Going inside in the first place would have solved the problem.

People have made fun of my drive-thru aversion. They do not understand my desire to walk in a building a do business. For example, I like walking into the bank. The transaction goes smoother, and I can actually talk to the people handling my money. Guess what. They get to know me, too. If I have some future issue, then they might be more willing to help me out.

I know a lot of people feel the same way. A bunch of my Twitter folks, including Zach, provided great examples of how walking in is a lot better than driving through.

I wish drive-thru windows did not exist. Wait, I did not mean that. I am glad they exist so people will sit in them while I walk in and get my stuff done faster.

 

 

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Kicked Back and Relaxed With Ant-Man

28 Jul

On our last day of vacation, I needed to do something different. We had been to the beach. We had been to Savannah, Georgia. We had done everything that there was to do. That is when I decided to go to the movies.

I had no idea what theater was the best and decided to hit the one with the most screens. After all, if a place has ten screens, then it must be good. I turned on the GPS and headed to the big ten screen theater. I pulled into the parking lot but could not find the movie house that the GPS was telling me was there. No neon sign. No marquee. Just a strip mall with a 1970s beach town architectural style.

With my hopes of a good movie experience dashed, I bought my ticket to Ant-Man and went to the concession stand for a box of Buncha Crunch. Then, I made my way to my screen. That is when I got the shock of my life.

The theater was filled with recliners. Yep, these were big cushioned seats that could lay your head back and put your feet up. I might not be able to see Ant-Man. I might not be able to hear Ant-Man. But, I was going to relax with Ant-Man.image-45

The house was packed, and the movie began. Just as I was getting into it, I heard a strange sound. It was like everyone in the room had gas and decided to pass it. Then, I realized that it was the sound of pleather as people reclined their chairs. No problem. Once everyone is reclined, the noise would stop. However, it did not stop.

This is when I realized the downside of having recliners in a theater. It gives bored kids something to do. When the movie gets a little slow, they get on their reclining carnival ride and have a big time. It was easy to tell when the movie got exciting because the passing gas sounds stopped.

Ant-Man was a good movie, but it would be better in a theater with ragged old chairs that have broken springs sticking out.

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Driving in Bizarro World

20 Jul

There is always something going on with South Carolina. The state threatened to secede in the 1830s, and it led secession in the 1860s. More recently, the rebel flag has been taken down from its capitol grounds. Yep, there is always an issue. However, I am not writing about any of those. I am writing about something that I have experienced within the boundaries of South Carolina.

Recently, I drove from one tip of the state to the other. From its most northwestern point to its most southeastern. Along the way, I made an upsetting discovery.

All of the slow people drive in the left lane on the interstate. This is something that it seen all over the country. However, it is an epidemic in South Carolina. It is an affliction that hit people from license plates from different states, and it happened on different interstates. As soon as we crossed into the state, the slow people stayed in the left lane.

The rules of the road state that slow drivers stay on the right side. Those who are going faster and want to pass get on the left side of the road. As I drove through the Palmetto State, I went by more people by passing on the right than on the left. It is not like I was going super fast. My Ford Explorer is not known for its speed.

As I write, I cannot find the words to describe the situation. There were long lines of slow cars in the left lane as people went faster in the right lane. It was like driving in Bizarro World where everything is backwards.Bizarro

All I know is that there are a lot of people who need driving lessons. When I get passed on the right, I know that I need to get over and get out of the way. When these other people get passed on the right, they keep driving like nothing is wrong.

Historically, South Carolina has had some issues. Chalk this up as another one. When people get on its interstates, they automatically forget how to drive.

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Secrets of a Secret Society

13 Jul

Newsweek put out a special edition magazine called Secret Societies: Infiltrating the Inner Circle. Of course, I had to buy it. The thing has sat on my desk for weeks, and I finally picked it up. The magazine includes stuff that I have read before, and my mind started to wander toward a question.

Which secret society would I like to join?

The Illuminati would be cool, but I would have to work with reptile people.

The Shriners would be fun because I could ride motorcycles or go karts in Christmas parades. As a kid, I always looked forward to the Shriner band because a guy strutted in front of it while carrying a big sword.

Bohemian Grove sounds interesting, but the way they frolic in the woods in kind of strange.

The Bilderberg Group would be awesome. They only invite the wealthiest and most powerful. Getting to meet with them would mean being in the categories of the wealthiest and most powerful. Who would not want that?

Heck, the list goes on and on. The Loyal Order of the Moose. Modern Woodmen of America. I do not think the P.E.O. Sisterhood would accept me.

As I asked myself the question, all of that went through my mind. Then, it hit me. I do not have to wonder what secret organization I would like to join because I have already been a member of a secret organization.

I cannot remember how many years ago it was, or I cannot tell you how many years ago it was. After all, it was a secret society.

Some guys I knew decided to form a club where they could partake in intellectual discourse and debate. Out of these sessions, they could make decisions to help the community. It was also a way for the henpecked ones to get away from women for a while.

I was asked to join because they thought I would be good at partaking in intellectual discourse and debate.

Anyway, we met in a small church. To be a secret society you need religious symbolism, right? Also, one of the founders was a member of the church and had a key.

At the first meeting, we named it the Cedar City Men’s Forum and set up the rules of the club. I cannot remember the rules, but you cannot have a secret society without them.

After the formalities, we discussed the pressing issues of the day. Local politics. National politics. Star Trek. You know, the important stuff.

We had several meetings and talked about a lot of things. However, we also wanted to give back to the community. Luckily, there was a huge community project going on. The city had built a new park, and local citizens were raising money for a really cool playground. To get funds, they sold posts in the fence around the playground.

The Cedar City Men’s Forum bought a fencepost.image-43

To be a secret society you need secret symbolism to be displayed in public places, right? We needed our name to be out there for people to look at and wonder what it all means.

This afternoon, I went to the playground to find our fencepost, and there it was. Like other secret societies, the secret symbols outlasted the secret organization. After a few meetings, the Cedar City Men’s Forum discontinued.

I cannot remember why it ended, or I cannot tell you why it ended. It could have been because we ran out of stuff to talk about. It could have been because of an attempted coup against the leadership. It could have been because the henpecked guys were told to come back home. It could have been because someone said Star Wars was better than Star Trek.

Like other long-lost secret societies, we may never know.

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The Mysterious Cootie Brown

6 Jul

We were having brunch with friends, and some people who looked like they had been rode hard and put up wet walked into the restaurant. As they slowly made their way to the table, one of our friends said, “They look drunker than Cootie Brown.”

I have heard this saying my entire life and have always wondered something.

Who is Cootie Brown?

It turns out that Cooter Brown – apparently Cootie is his nickname – has his own Wikipedia page and has been discussed in the Old Farmer’s Almanac. In both places, attempts are made to uncover the mystery of Cooter Brown.

During the Civil War, he lived somewhere along the border between the United States and the Confederacy. This could have been the Mason-Dixon Line between Pennsylvania and Maryland or it could have been at any point on the map.Mason Dixon

This meant a couple of things. He could have been drafted by either side, and he had family on both sides. Instead of making a decision between the two, Cooter decided to stay drunk for the entire war and make himself useless for military service.

Cooter’s years of drunkenness has been remembered through the annals of time, and he has become the personification of alcohol-induced goofiness.

A lot of people know his name, but I wonder how many people know the story of Cooter “Cootie” Brown.

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Trivia Night

12 Jun

I have this book called 10,000 Answers: The Ultimate Trivia Encyclopedia. It is exactly what the title indicates – a book full of stuff that might win some money on a game show. Sometimes, I will scan through the book because you never know when the information will come in handy.

Since I cannot think of anything else to write about, I figured a post about one of these book scans would be interesting. We will go through the pages at random and see what useful information can be found for each letter.Trivia Night

The trash collectors in the Hi and Lois comic strip are named Abercrombie and Fitch.

Sir David Brewster invented the kaleidoscope.

Cerumen is the medical term for earwax.

On Bewitched, Samantha Stephens maiden name was Dobson.

Cesar Chavez’s real last name was Estrada.

In 1940, Ida Fuller received the first Social Security check.

“Great Bird of the Galaxy” by Gene Roddenberry’s nickname.

The Hermitage is the home of President Andrew Jackson.

Ixcatlan, Mexico is the setting of The Magnificent Seven.

Justice for All was the original working title of All in the Family.

The python in The Jungle Book is named Kaa.

Little Reata is the original name of the oil company owned by Jett Rink in Giant.

William Morgan invented volleyball.

Frank Calder was the first president of the National Hockey League.

Operation Barbarossa was the German code name for the invasion of Russia during World War II.

Port Charles is the setting for General Hospital.

Mary Quant created the miniskirt.

Winston Churchill’s pet poodle was named Rufus.

Kristin Shepard shot J.R. Ewing.

Charles Lindbergh was Time magazine’s first Person of the Year.

The Snapple company was originally named Unadulterated Food Products.

Volunteer was Lyndon Johnson’s secret service code name.

Tex Ritter’s horse was named White Flash.

Wolfman Jack’s radio station in American Graffiti was XERB.

In 1941, Gary Cooper won the Best Actor Academy Award for playing Tennessean Alvin C. York.

In 1927, pitcher Tom Zachary gave up Babe Ruth’s 60th home run.

 

 

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The Bitter Gene

2 May

On Friday, we had a gathering of faculty and staff to celebrate the end of another academic year. As a few of us sat around a table, the conversation jumped from one topic to another. During this time, someone stated that they liked a tweet that I created about my distaste for coffee. He also does not like coffee and was happy to find someone who agrees with him.Coffee

As we bonded over this issue, the dialogue moved from the liquid and toward those who drink it. Basically, we hate it when coffee drinkers look at us like we are crazy. It usually goes like this:

Would you like a cup of coffee?

No thanks, I do not drink coffee?

They stand in stunned silence and act like they are looking at an alien.

Anyway, one of the biologists overheard our conversation and asked if I like beer, another liquid that I am not crazy about. I will drink it if there is nothing else around. I will also drink it if I am in a crowded bar, and it is the simplest thing to order. However, I have never craved a beer.

All of my life, I have heard people say, “A cold beer would be really good right now.” If I am thirsty I may desire water, a soft drink, an energy drink, chocolate milk. Heck, anything. However, I have never thought to myself, “I would love to have a beer.”

Getting to the point. I told the biologist that I am not a fan of beer, either.

He said that I have the Bitter Gene and that my chemical makeup means that I taste coffee and beer differently from others. I am getting one taste, and they are getting another one.

Now, I know what to say when someone asks how there is any way that I do not like coffee. It is simple. I am genetically superior.

 

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The Yard Dog Award – The Destruction of Steve’s

17 Apr

I noticed a message about an intramural tournament on our campus marquee, and it brought to mind an intramural tournament during my college days. It also made me realize that the experience from long ago deserved the Yard Dog Award.Yard Dog

My roommates and I spent several late nights playing pickup basketball. That, of course, means a couple of things. First, we thought that we were decent basketball players. Second, we were too nerdy to find more fun late night activities.

Anyway, some of the regular players thought it would be a good idea to form a team and enter the intramural basketball league. Robert, one of my roommates, and I did not think it was a good idea. We did not consider ourselves to be the next Michael Jordan and knew that the other guys, no matter how delusional they were about their own skills, were also not the next Michael Jordan’s.

The team was called Steve’s. I have no idea why it was called Steve’s. Apparently, somebody thought that would be funny. That should give you an idea of our sense of humor.

We agreed to show up for the first game with the understanding that we would only play in an emergency, like someone losing a leg. When we walked into the gym, Robert and I knew that we should have stayed home.

The opposing team consisted of Prop 48 guys. In other words, they had been recruited to our school to play basketball but had not qualified academically. Their pre-game warmup was a dunk contest, and we were practicing our set shots. Yep, the nerdy guys who played pickup basketball was going to play against a team of college players.

Heck, their coach even showed up wearing a suit. Our coach did not show up wearing a suit because we did not have a coach.

The game went as you would expect. I cannot remember the score, but it was definitely too many to not enough. It was, in eloquent terms, an ass kicking.

As the clock wound down, Robert and I were still sitting at the end of the bench. Then, a couple of our friends, who had survived this beating, convinced us to go into the game and let them off the hook.

We did the best we could. We played hard on defense. We actually got some rebounds. I even made a layup because the guy guarding me knew that it did not make any difference. Unfortunately, there was one guy on their team who had not come to that conclusion.

I had the ball and passed it to Robert at the top of the circle. There was no one around him, which meant that he had an open three-point shot. That is when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw one of the players run at Robert from under the basket. He jumped and hovered like a helicopter. As Robert let the ball go, the guy hung in the air and waited. Then, he blocked it.

When I say he blocked it, I am not describing it properly. When he hit the ball, it sounded like a gun going off. When it hit the wall at the other end of the court, it sounded like a bomb going off. Oh yeah, the ball did not hit the ground in between. This guy blocked a three-point shot and it slammed into the wall at the other end of the court.

I cannot remember if Steve’s continued playing in the league because Robert and I never went back. We had taken part in one of the biggest blowouts in basketball history and were not about to repeat the experience.

With all of that being written, the Yard Dog Award goes to those who thought playing in the intramural basketball league was a good idea. An individual award goes to the person who thought Steve’s was a catchy name.

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Trivia Matters

9 Mar

For the last post, I did some major searching for all things 601. During that process, I went to the bookshelf and grabbed this huge trivia encyclopedia. It is a book that has been in my possession for a long time and has done an excellent job of filling my mind with useless information.Trivia

To borrow a quote from a friend, “I know all kinds of stuff that will not make any money or get me into heaven.”

Skimming this book, the idea popped into my mind that it may lead to a semi-interesting blog post. I will randomly flip through the pages a pick a piece of trivia for each letter.

A – Frederick Austerlitz is the real name of Fred Astaire.

B – Bowie, Arizona is the birthplace of John Rambo in the Rambo movies.

C – Caledonia is the ancient Roman name for Scotland.

D – William Driver, a sea captain from Salem, Massachusetts, coined the term “Old Glory” for the American flag.

E – John Etherington invented the top hat.

F – Jai Alai is played in a fronton.

G – Janet Guthrie was the first woman to compete in the Indianapolis 500.

H – Professor Harold Hill is the title character in The Music Man.

I – “I Darrin, Take This Witch Samantha” was the debut episode of Bewitched.

J – The J.D. in J.D. Salinger stands for Jerome David.

K – The Baby Ruth candy bar was originally called the Kandy Kake.

L – “Liberty, Intelligence, Our Nation’s Safety” is the motto of the Lions Club.

M – Mon Lei was a 50-foot Chinese junk owned by Robert L. Ripley.

N – A notaphilist collects paper currency.

O – Castor Oyl is the brother of Olive Oyl.

P – Pitching and Wooing is the autobiography of Bo Belinsky.

Q – Mary Quant created the miniskirt.

R – Winston Churchill’s pet poodle was named Rufus.

S – Barbara Stanwyck’s real name was Ruby Stevens.

T – TCB were the letters on a gold pendant worn by Elvis Presley.

U – Upton Machine Company was the original name of Whirlpool.

V – Benedict Arnold fled to England on a ship named Vulture.

W – Woolworth is the bowling term for a 5-10 split.

X – XERB was Wolfman Jack’s radio station in American Graffiti.

Y – Yarrow, Stookey and Travers are the last names of Peter, Paul and Mary.

Z – Zog I was the last king of Albania.

That is the list. Yep, trivia matters.

 

 

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Collapse of the Snow Dome

5 Mar

This is my 600th post, give or take a few, and I thought about doing something in commemoration. Instead, this post will go in another direction.

Today is March 5. Spring Break is next week. Not long after that, we will have the first day of Spring. Why do I mention all of that? Because this is what everyone found when we awoke.image-23

March is supposed to come in like a lion. This time, it came in like a polar bear.

For the past several years, we have lived under the Snow Dome, and none of the white stuff has made it to the ground. Now, the Snow Dome has faltered, and I am not happy about it.

Al Gore has an office in Nashville. Once these roads clear, I am going to visit him and find out what went wrong.

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