Tangled Up in the Schneid

23 Feb

When people think of men playing slow pitch softball, a few images might pop into their heads. A bunch of non-athletic guys hobbling around and drinking beer. A church league where there are a lot of swings and misses. An intramural league in college where the athletics team up to dominate everyone else.

That may be what people think about, but I grew up in a different kind of game. My dad sponsored a professional men’s slow pitch softball team, and we played at the highest levels of the sport. We flew throughout the country to play in the biggest tournaments and had players at the peak of their athletic form. When I try to describe how good these guys were, people can’t believe that most of the players could hit softballs out of baseball stadiums.

(Time for a little bragging. In recent years, my dad, his manager and four of his players have been inducted into the Tennessee Softball Hall of Fame.)

We played in a lot of big games, but a game was truly important when Ray Molphy, the Voice of Softball, was announcing the game.Ray Molphy

I can vividly remember playing under the lights on a Saturday night with thousands of people around the field. Ray’s voice would be booming through the air as he announced the game. While he didn’t take sides, Ray told me privately that he was also pulling for us. Our budget wasn’t as large as the teams we were playing, so we were a perpetual underdog that made sure our opponent was in for a fight.

Like all good announcers, Ray had catchphrases that everyone recognized.

If a player had hit for a single and a home run, then he had hit for “the minimum and the maximum”.

When a team was coming up to bat in an inning, the first batter was in the box; the second batter was on deck; and, the third batter was “lurking in the shadows”.

If a player had not yet gotten a hit, then he was “tangled up in the schneid”.

I have been thinking about Ray’s lines because I feel that I am tangled up in the blogging schneid. I am having a hard time coming up with anything that is interesting or original. My posts are lacking something that I can’t put my finger on. It just feels that there is something missing.

When a player stepped to the plate and heard Ray talking about the schneid, they would react a couple of ways. One, they would get mad and make it worse. Two, they would use it for motivation to get a hit. I don’t know which way I am going to react, but, right now, I feel like the schneid is all over me.

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Evil Hair Razor Women Butt

20 Feb

Yes, that was a search term that led someone to this blog. When I saw it, I knew that I had to use it at some point, but my mind couldn’t conceive of a good way. Then, Madame Weebles wrote a post about the search terms that she encounters. It’s some funny writing that everyone should read, and it offers a different take on the “let’s write about search terms” format.

The Madame listed terms that would make good band names. Like a good blogger, I am copying that idea. If a band called Evil Hair Razor Women Butt plays in my town, then I am going to the show.

Can you believe that this is what popped up when I image searched Evil Hair Razor Women Butt?

Can you believe that this is what popped up when I image searched Evil Hair Razor Women Butt?

Here are some other bands that would put on a great show. (Note: Song titles and other tidbits were discovered while searching the search terms.)

Dirty Deek and the Dondo Chiefs were part of the British Invasion and had a great debut album with “Something Sinister” but couldn’t follow up that success with their second album “Unknown by Unknown”.

Bite the Vampire made it to Number One on the Punk charts with “Toxic Fluid” and hit the Top Ten with “Someone is Dying”. Ironically, those two titles were prophetic as lead singer Matt Gaze suffered an early demise.

The Black Blobs were early Metal pioneers who created underground classics like “Nothing At All” and “Leave the Tail”.

Robby Gipsy was a psychedelic folk singer in the late 1960s who never had a hit but whose songs have come to define the era. When people hear “Butterfly”, they are automatically taken back to the Summer of Love.

Japanese Jeremiah was an 80s One Hit Wonder with “Why Don’t You Come?”

Western Porno brought us the electronic dance craze “Trip to Mars”.

Hillbilly Salutations is an Alternative Bluegrass band that has been included on many soundtracks, including the movie “Lost in the Highlands.

Coctail was a 90s girl group that broke up after making it big with “Mad Man”. The lead singer has gone on to greater fame as a solo artist.

Bigfoot is an Alien was a college band that sang mostly covers. But, they always brought the co-eds to their feet with “Exploratory Purposes”.

Joey Whale was a singer/songwriter in the 70s who penned such classics as “Once Upon a Time” and “Boston Harbor”. Today, he can found in the lounge of the Golden Nugget in Las Vegas.

The performers for Bonaroo were released today. There is no way that they could be better than this group.

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Beauty Boutique

19 Feb

This past week was pretty big in my world, as my girlfriend bought a new business – Beauty Boutique. After years of working for other people in the makeup and home decorating industries, she decided that it was time to try something for herself. I could not be more proud of her for taking this step. As my dad has always said, “It’s hard to make money working for somebody else.” Unfortunately, I didn’t totally listen to his advice.

Beauty Boutique has been in existence for a couple of years and has proven to be successful. I know that my girlfriend can use its prior success as a foundation on which to grow. The boutique offers lines of women’s fashion, accessories, and beauty products. It also offers services such as hair styling, waxing, massages, facials and most anything you can think of that makes people feel and look good. In fact, I am hoping it does some miraculous things for me.Beauty Boutique

For those of you who live nearby, please top by Beauty Boutique and see what it has to offer. For those who don’t live nearby, I hope you visit the Nashville area one day. When you do, please make Beauty Boutique one of your destinations. After all, one can only spend so much time in the Honky Tonks.

Be sure to tell the staff that you heard about Beauty Boutique while strolling through the SBI World. Who knows? You might get a discount.

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They Aren’t John Shaft, But They Are Still Cool

18 Feb

Today, I was driving down the interstate when a red blur went by me. It was a red Ferrari. A couple of thoughts went through my mind.

“Damn, that’s a cool car.”

“Hey, I should blog about cool private investigators on television.”

One thought – obvious. The other one – not so much.

Anyway, here goes with the post. Private investigator shows were a big deal in the 1970s and 1980s, and my parents watched most of them. As a result, I watched them, too. It’s funny how television copies itself. Let one program hit it big, and a bunch more will follow. I guess some detective show must have hit it big because those shows were everywhere.

Obviously, private investigators were cool, but there were several factors that made up the coolness. Most important was a cool opening credits theme song. In fact, it’s impossible to be a cool television investigator without a cool theme song. Other factors can vary. There may be a cool car. There may be a cool assistant or sidekick. There are also bonus points if the show was a Quinn Martin Production with each episode made up of chapters and an epilogue.

With all of that being said, here are some cool television private eyes.

Barnaby Jones – Old? Sure. I never could figure out how he ran down suspects. However, there is a lot of coolness here. Barnaby had a great theme song. He was a Quinn Martin Production. More than that, his secretary was a former Miss America.Barnaby Jones

Jim Rockford – The Rockford Files was one of the coolest shows ever. Rockford lived in a trailer and drove a Firebird. Admittedly, it wasn’t a Trans Am, but everyone has faults. He was also used the latest technology, an answering machine. Oh, he also had a great theme song.Jim Rockford

Thomas Magnum – Magnum was the epitome of cool. Cool theme song. Cool car. Cool friends. Cool house in a cool locale. However, underneath all of that cool was a professional moocher who didn’t really want to do much.Thomas Magnum

Thomas Banacek – I have written a little about Banacek before. He was a “man about town” from Boston who investigated insurance claims along side his street wise chauffeur and a friend who owned a bookstore. Full of old Polish proverbs, he solved the craziest of crimes. His theme song left a lot of be desired. I wonder if there is an old Polish proverb that explains why a cool investigator would operate to lame music.Banacek

Frank Cannon – I have to give Cannon props for being another Quinn Martin Production, but I have to admit that it was rare to see him running down any bad guys. This guy liked to eat and liked to get paid so he could eat more. Cannon had a cool Lincoln Continental, and he lived in New Mexico. Now, that is what I call cool. His theme song was decent.Cannon

It’s because of these guys that I grew up wanting to be a private eye. Heck, it’s a job that can be done no matter who you are.

A former oil baron from the Ozarks.

A gambler from the Old West.

A guy who turned down the role of Indiana Jones.

A movie-making, airplane-building tycoon.

A voice actor who played the Lone Ranger.

These are just a few of the great television private detectives. Do you guys have some favorites?

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Honors for the Deceased

13 Feb

Awards shows are not high on my viewing agenda. However, I like the times when they show people from their respective entertainment industries who died during the past year. It probably sounds morbid, but it brings back memories of watching or listening to them. It also introduces people who made huge impacts behind the scenes. I don’t know what it is. I just like it.

This week, the Grammy Awards took time with its annual roll call. It included several people who made an impact in Nashville – close to where I live. There was Patti Page, who gained fame with The Tennessee Waltz, and other people who worked on Music Row. The roll call also included two of my favorites who I have written about before.

Andy Griffith was famous for being a comedian and television icon, but he was also an accomplished musician and singer.Andy Griffith Guitar

Levon Helm was famous for being the drummer for The Band, where he was also lead vocal on many of their most popular songs. He was also in a couple of cool movies.The Right Stuff

There were a lot of other people honored in the Roll Call, but it came to a close with an all star rendition of The Weight, one of Helm’s greatest songs.

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Lights in the Sky

11 Feb

The other night my girlfriend and I were in Walgreen’s buying toiletries and such, and we made our way to the magazine rack. She bought a magazine about the lifestyles of the rich and famous, while I bought Open Minds, a publication about UFOs. I haven’t opened it up yet, so it was probably a waste of money. Actually, it was definitely a waste of money. It doesn’t matter because I wanted it at the time. The definition of impulse buying I suppose.

Like a lot of people, I have always been fascinated with UFOs. When in a bookstore, I will usually end up in the UFOs/Ghosts/Vampires aisle looking a books by Erich von Daniken and Richard Hoagland. Heck, I even made a pilgrimage to Roswell, New Mexico and the International UFO Museum and Research Center. While there, I saw this realistic display of an alien autopsy.West 2010 524

And this replication of Mayan art that is supposed to show an astronaut.West 2010 521

Is it real? I don’t know. But, it’s cool to think about. Last night, my girlfriend and I saw Zero Dark Thirty, and it was the first time I have seen Area 51 in a movie that did not involve aliens. That has nothing to do with this post, but that’s pretty cool, too.

As a UFO buff, I must admit that I have had a UFO experience. It wasn’t an encounter of the third or fourth kind, but it was an encounter. During my high school days, my buddy and I were out on the town doing things that high school kids do. The action was winding down, so I drove him home before heading to my house. As we went down the road, we noticed a light in the sky. I said something along the lines of, “What’s that?” Enlightening, I know.

“It’s probably a radio tower.”

“There’s never been a radio tower there before. Besides, they have red lights, and that one keeps changing colors.”

We watched it until we pulled into his driveway. That’s when we just stood in his front yard and stared at it.

“Maybe it’s an airplane.”

“It’s not moving.”

“Maybe it’s a helicopter.”

“Maybe, but it’s not making noise.”

At some point, we realized that we were not going to figure it out, so he went inside to get his dad. You need to understand that his dad was a prominent politician and held one of the most powerful offices in the state. This was no flunky that we were pulling out of bed to look at a UFO.

He came out bleary eyed and stared at it with us. Suddenly, a bright ray of light shot out of it toward the ground and stopped just as suddenly. It wasn’t a spotlight. It was like a laser beam. His dad never said a word. He just went to bed. After a while, my buddy went inside, too.

I drove home with the light still hovering in the distance and stood outside to watch until I couldn’t stay awake anymore. The next day, I called my friend to talk about it, but he didn’t want to talk.

“I’m not talking about it.”

“Why not?”

“Because people will think we are crazy.”

“I know what I saw, and it was a UFO.”

“No it wasn’t. There’s no such thing as aliens.”

“Who said anything about aliens? It was an object flying in the air, and we couldn’t identify it. That’s what a UFO is.”

“Whatever, I didn’t see anything.”

Three people saw an Unidentified Flying Object. One (his dad) never mentioned it again. Another (my buddy) denied seeing it. The other (me) buys a UFO magazine and hangs out in the UFO aisle at the bookstore.

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Bane, Beyonce and Buffalo Wild Wings

6 Feb

Everyone knows that the Super Bowl turned into the NFL version of Vicki Lawrence’s 1972 hit “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia“. The biggest sporting event that the United States has to offer came to a screeching halt, and officials of all sorts began to scramble all over themselves. Well, Twitter didn’t come to a halt, and those in the Twitterverse began to scramble to come up with the wittiest comments.

Like millions, I scanned my Twitter feed during this dark time and, like millions, noticed that I was reading the same stuff over and over. Twitter people come up with some very imaginative and funny lines, but they can also become copycats. I noticed that a few themes began to emerge. The first person who tweeted this things were being original and funny. The next billion or so were a little late to the “Super Bowl of the Dark Ages” party.

Bane was everywhere. Or was it Baine. No, it could have been Bain. For a one syllable named villain, there sure were a lot of spelling versions. He was an obvious reference for the interrupted game. It the movie, he blows up the field during a kickoff return for a touchdown. In real life, the lights went out after a kickoff return for a touchdown. I understand the reference and found it clever the first time. But, I didn’t find it clever the 10,000th time.

SPELL MY NAME!!!

SPELL MY NAME!!!

Beyonce was also all over Twitter. Of course, she was all over Twitter before the lights went out. All of the tweets were about her pulling all of the power out of the stadium or about her booty bumping into the generator. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if either one of those were the actual cause.

We bow to you, Mrs Carter.

We bow to you, Mrs Carter.

I thought the references to Buffalo Wild Wings were the most ingenious. For those who don’t know, the restaurant chain has a long running advertising campaign where patrons delay sporting events to stay in the bar longer. If I was the CEO of Buffalo Wild Wings, then I would have a new commercial out a fast as possible.

Yes, it was us.

Yes, it was us.

Those were funny, even though they got stale after a while. Another trend I did not find funny at all. Several tweets went out that mentioned how it was rich people who were trapped in the Super Dome this time. Obviously, this was a reference to people being trapped in the Super Dome during Hurricane Katrina. Also obviously, it was coming from people with a more liberal view of politics. I know this because there were some other tweets about it being the fault of the GOP.

Making fun of the GOP is fine, but I felt that the tweets took light of the situation during Katrina rather than making an overt political statement. It’s strange that those who consider themselves the most enlightened are sometimes the cruelest when attacking those who disagree with them. Folks on the extreme left and right will think this crazy, but I think they have more in common than they realize. Close-mindedness and refusing to understand the other view come to mind.

Ok, I didn’t mean to get on a political soapbox when I am actually on a Twitter soapbox. Now, back on track.

I’m not good at being funny on Twitter because I have an affliction. I think of clever stuff after the moment has passed. With that being said, here are some not clever things that I thought about after it was all over.

Andrew Jackson saved New Orleans once. He should have gone down there and saved it again. I know. History humor is not that humorous. Still, it took a Tennessee person to save New Orleans from the British, so I figure he could save it from Bane or Beyonce or Buffalo Wild Wings.

Hell, they already put up a statue of him down there.

Hell, they already put up a statue of him down there.

As an aside, it seems to always take a Tennessee person to get something done. Jackson saved New Orleans. Sam Houston brought in Texas. James K. Polk grabbed California. Cordell Hull created the United Nations. Tina Turner was Beyonce before there was a Beyonce.

I also thought of Marie Laveau, the witch queen of New Orleans. Redbone sang a song about her, but there is something better. If you knock on her grave three times, then she may grant you a wish. I knocked, but I didn’t get the wish. I figure she turned out the lights because the Super Bowl interrupted Mardi Gras.

Knock three times.

Knock three times.

However, I had another idea that was most fitting. The lights went out to honor Don Meredith, quarterback and Monday Night Football personality. Watch the video to understand why.

Turn out the lgihts. The party's over.

Turn out the lights. The party’s over.

That’s about it for my Super Bowl Twitter analysis.

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The Lessons of Richard III

5 Feb

One of my students told me that the remains of King Richard III were discovered under a parking lot. Then, I read a couple of articles about the discovery and the DNA testing that followed. Now, there are articles about re-examining the life and rule of the king. All of that is interesting and important to history, but that’s not what I thought about while reading the articles.

I thought about Richard III and what he would think about all of this. As king, he probably thought that his grave would never be lost. It would have a monument standing forever, and people would visit it for generations to come. He was a king with all of the power and fame that goes with the position. There is no way that he would fade from history enough to have his grave lost and covered by some form of construction. As he knew, it’s good to be the king.

At least, that what Mel Brooks says.

At least, that what Mel Brooks says.

However, it didn’t turn out that way, and there was Richard under cars leaking oil. I think that’s the mistake that people make. Famous people assume that their deeds will always be chiseled in stone. Regular people think that their way of life is the way that it’s always going to be. Nations think that they will last forever. But, none of that really happens. No matter how many monuments are built or markers are erected, they will ultimately fall into ruin and be covered by future people making their place in the world.

Does anyone remember the greatest leader of the Hittites? I bet he thought they would. For a long time, no one remembered any of the Hittites.

How many people can remember all of the presidents? Only 43 people have ever held the position, but not many people can name them all. I’m sure this guy thought he would be remembered by school children for years to come.

Who am I?

Who am I?

Sure, there are people who are known by most everyone. George Washington and Julius Caesar come to mind. But, will they always be remembered? I don’t know. There’s a Washington Monument, but it doesn’t seem too sturdy these days. If it stands for a thousand years will future people know who it honors and what he did? The Great Pyramid is still standing, but how many people know who had it built? Surely, he didn’t know that one day his monument would be endangered by urban sprawl.

Not the postcard view.

Not the postcard view.

I see the same thing in my town. Every morning, I pass a vacant lot that used to be a park named in honor of a former mayor. There is also a football field named for a man who coached at a local military academy for many years. The academy closed in the 1980s, and the field fell into disrepair. It has been resurrected as a park where walk, jog and play. When those men were honored, they probably thought that children would swing and touchdowns would be scored on their fields forever more.

Even worse, a drive down a country road will likely take you past family cemeteries that are covered with weeds and crumbling under the pressure of tree roots. As cities grow and land becomes limited, many cemeteries become lost and covered by that growth.

What are the lessons of King Richard III and the other people who I mentioned? That nothing last forever. We, both famous and not so famous, have markers, monuments and grave stones to prove that we were here and be remembered. But, it is a futile attempt. If King Richard III can be covered by a parking lot, then we all can.

As I titled another post, only the rocks live forever, and they are usually the ones without inscriptions. We can put up all the monuments in the world, but we have to realize that they will not always stand. We can only live our lives and make our marks on our little part of the world. For kings, presidents and anyone else in the world that should be enough.

Before I stop writing, there is one more thing I should do. I present to you a likeness of King Richard III.King Richard III

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Secrets Revealed

3 Feb

Those who have read this blog from its creation know why it came into being. I created it, and, as the number of posts grew, people began to read and some began to follow. I didn’t tell anyone in my personal life about the blog, but it wasn’t like I was keeping a deep, dark secret. It just didn’t occur to me as something to share. I lived my life, and, sometimes, I would get on my computer and write.

Today, I told my girlfriend about the blog. I know. It’s terrible that I didn’t tell the person closest to me. That’s why I told her. People all over the world read my words, and I wanted her to read my words, too. After all, many of the posts have been about my adventures with her.

So, today a secret was revealed, and it made me feel kind of like this guy.

Deep Throat

Deep Throat

With that being said, I welcome my girlfriend as a new reader of Surrounded by Imbeciles. I hope you like reading it as much as I like writing it.

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Experiencing the Catbird Seat

2 Feb

Wednesday night, my girlfriend and I had reservations at The Catbird Seat, a Nashville restaurant that has garnered international recognition for being on the culinary cutting edge. We had no idea what to expect but knew that we had to experience it. In fact, we were so anxious that we arrived thirty minutes early.

That was good because it gave us the opportunity to go to The Patterson House, a cool bar that is on all of the trendy lists.

The Patterson House

The Patterson House

It is known for unique cocktails, and ours were unique. I got an Old Fashioned infused with bacon, and my girlfriend got a drink called Daisy, which is also the name of her dog. The bacon drink was cool, but the really cool thing happened when the waiter brought our check. It was not in a regular check folder. It was in a book – a real book with words and chapters and everything.

After the drinks, we made our way next door to The Catbird Seat and entered a small room with a curtain on one side and an elevator on the other. When Dorothy looked behind the curtain, she found an old man. We didn’t look behind the curtain, but there wasn’t an old man back there. It was a young hostess. She took us on the elevator to the restaurant. No tables. No art on the wall. We were going to sit around the bar; watch the chefs work; and eat the art.

The Catbird Seat

The Catbird Seat

With everyone in close proximity, we people watched. It’s the natural thing to do. In one corner was a couple with a camera, and they were taking pictures of each offering. I was trying to be smooth, so any picture on this post were not made by me.

Next to them sat a couple who had that tattooed, retro, 1950s vibe going on. They were the coolest cats in the place.

The next couple was a guy getting liquored up and a woman who ended up with the check. The look on her face was priceless because the food was far from it.

A foursome sat on the other side of us. It looked to be a young couple dining out with her parents. They seemed to like the meal, but I am sure that her dad stopped at Waffle House on the way home. There is no way that he got enough to eat.

The last people looked to be a woman with her son, who was probably a student at Vanderbilt. Overall, the crowd had a little variety to it.

Anyway, here is how it works at The Catbird Seat. You don’t order. You eat what they prepare. There are a bunch of courses with small portions. Each plate is a carefully prepared edible experiment. Some of it you will like, and some of it you won’t. But, each will be a different experience. Also, you are given a different alcoholic beverage to compliment each course. I ended up sipping a little from each one because somebody had to drive home.

Oh, and a chef explains the ingredients of each course and what they are trying to create.

The first course contained three bite-sized offerings paired with a Jean Louis Denois Brut Classique, which comes from Languedoc, France. The first bite looked like a small ice cream cone but was made of scallop, potato and roe. We didn’t like it. However, the second bite was awesome because it was essentially a Rice Krispie treat filled with seaweed. The third bite was a play off hot chicken, a Nashville staple. Except, this was fried chicken skin with spices.

Course number two was a small salad made of king crab, broccoli, green tea, yuzu and togarashi. It was paired with a cocktail made from Sawa Sawa Sparkling Sake.

Course three was not my favorite because the chef said the word truffle three times while describing it. I have no idea why chefs love truffles. They could mess up a wet dream. Anyway, this was a soupy combination with the aforementioned truffles, chicken skin, green apple, celery, roe and a runny egg. I don’t like runny eggs, either. Also, I’m not a ig fan of beer, but that was the highlight of the course. They brought out an awesome beer from the KleinBrouwerij de Glazen Toren Brewery in Saison d’erpe-mere, Belgium. Man, it took me a while to get that typed.

The next course finally contained some meat. Sturgeon, clams and blood sausage made a great combination with Kuentz Bas Riesling to drink. We were informed that it comes from Alsace, France. It turns out that the French do something right after all.

The fifth course brought more meat with chicken breast from Wedge Oak Farm along with fennel, black olive, black garlic and parsnip. It was washed down with Lechthaler 2010 from Italy.

More meat came with the sixth course. This time it was veal cheeks with beet, horseradish, yogurt and dill along with the Austrian produced Kirchmayr Zweigelt 2011.

By this time, I was having a hard time keeping up, and the courses were running together. According to the menu they gave us open leaving, the next course was made up of fig preserves, queso de torta, finca pascualete, and a few other things that I can’t read at the moment. I know that we had La Gitana Manzanilla sherry.

The meal was coming to a close, and that always means dessert. This time it meant three desserts. The first one was an almond ice cream popsicle covered with citrus cells , campari gel and cinnamon. It was awesome and came with the Italian Amaro Segesta with soda.. Not so awesome was the second dessert, an egg shell filled with maple, bacon and thyme. I thought that bacon could make anything good. It doesn’t. Next, we had oak ice cream with vanilla cake, a cherry crisp, pineapple and bourbon balls.

As I wrote, we liked some of it and didn’t like some of it. But, that isn’t the point. The point is that we had a great experience and expanded our dining horizons.

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